Frustration sets in as the mental
formations I try to put to words shift and evade me. Still, I do not
go to either of the poles of opposites -- of either letting my
frustration pour out in literary abandon or sinking into a complete
block. I choose to sit with the stillness. I sit with both the light
and the dark I find there. Wise words resonate inside me.
"The more you sense the rareness and value of your own life, the more you realize that how you use it, how you manifest it, is all your responsibility. We face such a big task, so naturally we sit down for a while." - Kobun Chino Otogawa Roshi (1938-2002)
How we use this time is so very sacred. A hallmark of youth is that we run through life. I know I ran though mine, dancing and roaring; feeling, experiencing. Now I am here, in such a different place that often it feels like a forest moon of some distant planet. Sunlight beams through a verdant canopy each hour of the day. Rising before the sun has taught me that deep, earth energy resonates in a periwinkle magic hour before the new day is born.
Heather Sundberg's Spirit Rock dharma talk, " Darkness & Light, Suffering & The End Of Suffering " is fresh in my mind. (http://www.dharmaseed.org/teacher/202/talk/2613/) This is a wonderful talk, filled with fresh insights about making the darkness conscious. It comes with me to the pillow.
In the first moments of waking, of eyes opening, I see silhouettes of the trees I call “Sisters.” Purple sky turns gold as I begin. I take a few minutes for dressing and grooming, and then I kneel in my sacred space. But before I kneel, I bow. I bow again after I kneel, pressing my forehead to the floor. I bow in honor of this life I have been given, of the life before me and within me. I bow to the light but also to the darkness. And then, I sit.
What happens within us happens in the cosmos. This is the ancient message of the Vedas. This is the song singing to me at daybreak. This is what is looming in the darkness, waiting for us to notice. Inner and outer realities are one continuum. Everything exists only in relation to everything else. Darkness and light are components of the whole. There is no, “Other.”
You need not do anything.
Remain sitting at your table and listen.
You need not even listen, just wait.
You need not even wait,
just learn to be quiet, still and solitary.
And the world will freely offer itself to you unmasked.
It has no choice, it will roll in ecstasy at your feet.
- Franz Kafka
In this stillness, inner spaciousness grows so that all things may come and go free from the trappings of reaction or resistance. We cannot escape the shadows. We can, however, choose to accept them -- and in doing so, transform them. In bowing to the darkness, in honoring our suffering, we create opportunity for the darkness itself to fuel the light.
The earthy smell of Siskiyou Cedar looms heavy in the air. With my incense burning down, my time on the pillow is nearing its end. I bring my focus back to my breath, back to the vast space where all things exist together, where there is enough room for both light and shadow, where the indigo night sky meets the day. Everything, even writer's block, is a teacher.
- as usual your words you use to express are absolutely beautiful and moving. You move me to want to write, explore, imagine and engage in an more absorbing realization of life again. Thank you for such a gloriously loving, open and insightful post.