Find My Family - ABC Exploits Adoption

[SalBac]

I did not write the piece below. I point that out not to distance myself from it, but to give proper credit to Martha Osborne. Thanks, Martha, for writing this, and thanks, Katherine, for sending it to me. 

Find My Family
ABC airs sensationalized adoption series
November 13,2009 / Martha Osborne
   
In the most exploitive and disparaging-of-adoption media effort yet, ABC will air a 'sneak peek' of their new series Find My Family on Monday, November 23rd. With a sensationalized and soap-opera style, ABC will take viewers into the lives of adoptees and birth families in their Search to be reunited.

With the tagline "Some people have spent their whole lives searching for the one thing that matters most... Their wish will now come true. Let's find your family", producers completely discount any worth of the adoptive families who have loved and raised these children. Instead the show emphasizes the loss of a child's "Real family" as the one-and-only central issue of all adopted children's lives.

The entire premise of this show is upsetting on so many levels. I encourage every family of an adopted child to prepare mentally for the public reaction, and the reaction of their children who may find themselves the sudden center of assumptions about their needs, desires, and personal feelings on their adoption.

This new series is being heavily promoted on ABC. Created by the producer of Extreme Makeover, Find My Family is laden with emotional angst and tearful moments meant to increase ratings and viewership. Unfortunately, the general public's opinion and understanding of adoption is largely shaped by the media. ABC's exploitive new series will focus on the most extreme issues in adoption, and is sure to have an effect on how our children's teachers, extended family, and friends view and accept adoption.

For years, the adoptive community has sought to rectify the past vilification of birth-parents as people who gave away their children. Birth parents are now widely recognized as the First Parents of children, deserving of love, respect, and understanding. It is in no one's best interest to turn the tables and begin to portray adoptive families as second-class, or less-than' a family created biologically. This new series is a step back for everyone.

Preparing a Younger Child:

    * A younger child should not watch this show, period. It focuses on emotional, adult-level identity issues and situations that are impossible for a young child to process.
    * Families can empower their children to deal with unwelcome questions from adults and other children by using the Wise Up! Workbook.
    * The holidays are a wonderful time to discuss the idea of families in general. What kind of families are there? Bringing adoption into a general discussion helps normalize the idea and emphasize tolerance and acceptance of all kinds of families.

Preparing Upper-Elementary and Middle School Children: Taking the Direct Approach

    * This is a wonderful age to start letting your child know that birth families, even if we have never met them, or may never have the opportunity, are part of our families. A welcome part. Whether to search or not in the future is your child's choice and has absolutely no relation to the way your child loves you. I should know, I'm adopted. My parents (and yes, I mean my adoptive parents) are my parents and I love them in a way I could love no one else. Searching for my birth family is about me, my identity. Let your child know when they are still young that you do not feel threatened, and you may receive the gift of open-communication throughout their teens.
    * Discuss the media, specifically as it applies to the marketing of ideas, forming of opinions, and exploiting of people for their own profit. It may also be pertinent to discuss the entire idea of people agreeing to have the most private, personal parts of their lives, filmed and put on television for the purpose of entertainment.
    * Let your child know that it is okay to have mixed feelings and changing emotions about any topic, including adoption. It's not a rejection of the adoptive family to wonder about birthparents, or life in another country.
    * If this series becomes widely-viewed, your child will receive very intrusive and personal questions. The show is meant to cast all adoptees as longing-for-their-lost-life. Practice, roll-play, be ready.

Search and reunion of adoptees and birth families is part of adoption, and always will be. All adoptive families and birth families are connected through our children, whether we accept that idea or not. Our children bind us. It is a precious, priceless connection. This show cheapens and sensationalizes what is sacred. ABC, your show is an insult, and hopefully a flop.

Maybe I'm naive, but I'm holding out hope that the show isn't as bad as the trailers make it seem. Then again, the language the show's producers use in the trailers make their agenda pretty darn clear: Get ratings at all costs. Very sad.

[rraebralop]

Nov. 21, 2009 at 11:09 PM

I'm with you Martha and SALBAC... from the trailers I've seen it does exactly what this letter states... sensationalizes the emotion and discounts families...  yikes!  I hope this show finds its way off the air in short order.  I would imagine my children's birthparents would be offended by this as well.

[meriana]

Nov. 22, 2009 at 11:33 AM

Personally I don't watch shows like that.  They really are not realistic since they portray reunions as the wonderful culmination of a life time of questions finally answered. In truth, while many reunions are just that, there are many that are very different. Sometimes the birth parent has died, other times they are at a point in their lives where a reunion is just not feasible. There is also the fact, never brought out in these shows, that the person searching may not like what he/she finds...the person and the person's lifestyle may be far different than what the adoptee has imagined. Imagination vs reality can, at times, be a cruel reminder that we are all human and we all have different ideas, values and lifestyles. Further the fact that a biological link exists is no guarantee that the adoptee and the people found will even LIKE one another. Relationships are built over time, not in a one hour sequence on national televison. Sometimes those relationships flourish and grow, other times they do not for whatever reason. While I do believe that every adult adoptee should have the right to know their own history and those in it, everyone needs to keep in mind that ALL the people involved did what they felt best at that moment in their lives and while reunions can be wonderful, they can also carry their own share of pain. Reunions are not the end of the journey, just the beginning of a new one.

[SalBac]

Nov. 22, 2009 at 2:18 PM

I agree with you, meriana!

I talk about that very thing in my book, What I Want My Adopted Child to Know: An Adoptive Parent's Perspective. I wrote a chapter called "Before You Search" because I think adoptees owe it to themselves, their parents, and their birth parents to consider all possible outcomes of a search/reunion. I've seen the gamut from bliss to misery. I especially love that you said Reunions are not the end of the journey, just the beginning of a new one.Very well put!

(Original Poster)