Why am I so ugly?

[Shyma]

I eat more chocolate than vegetables. My husband says I'm beautiful. His mom says she used to be fat and he says "yea, you were. I just didn't want to hurt your feelings and tell you. You looked like a blow fish!" She got the lap band and throws up everything and now she wears like a size 4. I just want to see a beautiful person in the mirror and not someone who can only look at the mirror that shows my reflection from the neck up. I eat. I'm a stay at home mom to 4 kids and I don't have any one I know in this stupid place, my friends are all back in NC and I eat. My husband comes home and tries to hug me and I do everything I can so our stomachs don't touch and I eat. He tells me how good I smell and says he loves me.... every day he tells me he loves me, and I just keep eating and I don't see anything good about myself . I just want everything to just stop and I want to diet and not fall off the wagon again and again and again and I've got so many reasons to lose the weight and I can't. So i eat. I don't want to eat, and i feel like $hit afterwards. I tried being bulimic once and I simply cant. I cant starve myself. I want to be around to see my kids grow up and i keep eating. My chest hurts, and they say my heart is OK. So we celebrate with brownies and soda. I drank the smoothie for breakfast, with french toast. I hate the way I feel, and I hate the way I look, and i hate the fact that no one is listening. I'm supposed to be the one who holds the house together, who's the one who's supposed to hold me together? I love it when all the kids are around me because they take my mind off of the way I feel. Somethings got to give! I'd give anything for someone to knock on my door and say "Hi, lets go exercise together, lets do this diet together" Or just knock on the door and say "hi" I don't know anyone here and I feel like an Alien in a new world. I just want to feel something, anything, just something for me. Sometimes I feel like none of  this real. I just want to be able to hold on a conversation with someone other than children. I can't breathe. Everyone needs an outlet, and i don't have one. Why is my life so ugly?

[sati769leigh]

Nov. 22, 2009 at 5:00 PM

for one, you are not ugly. beauty has NOTHING to do with how you look on the outside. Sounds to me like you have some stuff going on emotionally that is weighing on you and making you feel a need to comfort eat. I dont know what it is or could be, but maybe you could reach out to someone to talk about it. If you REALLY want to lose weight you should do small things to change. just little things. get any and all junk food out of your house for starters. buy some healthy snacks to munch on. park your car as far from the door of wherever you are going and walk a bit further. do little things to change. do it slowly. dont stress yourself about it. cause if you stress it you might fail then feel even worse. just little things. slow and easy.

if you ever want to talk I am a PM away

[runningwithdogs]

Nov. 22, 2009 at 5:55 PM

Ya know, I feel the same way...the only difference is I have lost about 80 pounds. I still feel ugly and unattractive. I am still new in my town, I have a hard time connecting to Dh.

All I can think of to say -to you and me- is this too shall pass,

[roseym]

Nov. 22, 2009 at 6:10 PM

I know how you feel, I am 288 pounds, have lost a little weight before but gained it back. my husband always tells me how beautiful i am but i look at pictures of myself and know I am huge.

 

owner of ~Plus size moms weight loss support group OH yeah