how do i keep going? 11.22.09

[luna08]

one minute he's here, then next he's laying on a hospital strecher. needles and wires. doctors rushing in and out. how do you go on. how do people do it. how do they sleep at night? do they?

kazuya has been in the hosptial for now going on 4 days. the first day i got to stay with him, i stayed up preactly all night, listening to the monitors beep beep beep. i rarely put him down, i wanted him next to me. the look in his eyes made me want to cry. every test, every needle, every single cry he made.

then i had to leave, to take care of luna. i had to say good bye, not knowing when i could come back. i dident want to leave him, but couldent stand not knowing if my dd was being taken care of. he's in good hands, all the nurses love him. i went to see him this morning. he was swaddled and content in a nurses arms, which is where he's been most of the time. they all love holding him.

he should be here though, where he lives, where we are a family. everytime i see something that belongs to him i cry, everytime i sing luna to sleep i have to stop because it makes me cry. i should be singing him to sleep to. everytime i see a bottle, everytime i pump, i know its going to him but he should be in my arms next to me not there eating from a bottle. i cant even talk about it and how i feel for very long because i cant help but cry.

i want him back so badly. i want him to be well. its not fair. i know it could be worse but i rather him not be sick at all. i now know  how moms with children in the NICU feel. not being able to see him. waiting day after day . it seems like all i do is cry, all i feel is saddness. even with luna here i know i should be happy but its so hard to have him so far away. only getting to see him for 20 mins every few days. what  if he forgets who i am, what if he forgets how to breastfeed. im missing so much bonding time, im missing his first month. my heart feels like its going to explode, like i cant go on another day. thanksgiving was going to be our first holiday as a new new fmaily, but i may not even be able to see him. how do you keep going

 

[FaJita]

Nov. 22, 2009 at 11:37 PM

I am so sorry... I can't imagine what you must be going through. Do you pray? You don't have to believe in a traditional god or anything. Praying helps, especially in times of sorrow. It sounds like you could use all the support you can get right now. Keep writing if it makes you feel better. Feel free to write me if you want. Right now you are doing all the things any good mother would do so try not to be hard on yourself.

[pnwmom]

Nov. 22, 2009 at 11:51 PM

Keep writing Mama, it does help.  I am lighting a candle for you and your family.  It's ok to cry and feel sad.  Don't be hard on yourself, you are doing a great job.  Hang in there.

[GoodMomma24-7]

Nov. 23, 2009 at 12:14 AM

Your post brought tears to my eyes...I just said a prayer for your baby.  I don't know what to say, but big, big hugs.  I'm so sorry this is happening, but I have faith in God, and I know He hears our prayers.  I'm praying for your little one.