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Living in HELL (also posted in SHABIO08)
- Nov 25, 2009 at 2:03 AM
- By
- Comments (2) Total Views (120) Everyone can see this journal post.
Literally.
It started with November 1st and Mr Pee Pants aka Ryan aka ex-bf. Yea, not going to get into that right now because its a super loooooooong story and this will be too long already.
Next up, November 10th... my oldest son, Ishan, had an appt with his adhd counselor. She just doesn't get the whole situation at my house. At this point the month isnt total crap but its close.
Fast forward to November 16th, was supposed to start my internship at Headstart BUT my sitter crapped out on me. WONDERFUL!! Still haven't started my internship.
The 17th, well then so does my phone so I spend 1hr at Sprint and all they do is change out my battery. LAZY ASSES!! I had to go back in yet again and wait almost 2 hrs just for them to tell me what I already knew and then switch me to a new phone. Well, between those two visits to Sprint... I end up getting a flat tire. Thank God for the QuikTrip down the street. By the time I got home, my tire was already flat again. Turns out there was a slash in the sidewall. AWESOME!
The 18th, I asked Travis to help me get new tires since its getting to be winter and my tires are practically bald. Which was all good, he helped. I went over to Mr Pee Pants house for a couple hrs before I had to meet Travis. My mom kept my kids so I could chill. WELL, I kept getting calls and calls and calls from Travis. I guess I was supposed to just hop skip and jump when he calls. I get bitched at for being lazy and worrying more about what Tom Dick and Harry are up to. Btw, who the hell are those guys anyways?? The whole time Im getting tires, Travis is being the biggest dick ever. I was sooooo sick of it. Unfortunately after I got only 3 tires, I am now totally broke. No more money for the rest of the month.
The 19th.... OMG. I was so excited about Ishan's 1st basketball practice. I was so proud because I played when I was in middle and high school. This was my sport! I asked Mr Pee Pants to go with me because him and Ishan are buddies and he knows what Ishan goes through since he also has ADHD. We get there and Ishan is all happy and playing with the basketball. THEN practice really starts. He does not want to participate at all. He was whining and crying and asking to go home. I kept trying to talk to him but he didnt care. I was soooo frustrated. I was crying and he was crying. That was the 1st half hour. Ishan finally decided he wants to join in, which made me happy. About 10 minutes later... Ishan slaps one of his teammates twice!! I go over to him and he is giving this kid some major attitude. The coach came over and told Ishan if he keeps it up then he will be kicked off the team (which was a little much) and so Ishan runs off crying and hides. I go after him. I try to calm him down. Does not work at all. I kept talking to him about how the other kid felt and how to make friends etc etc. This was just sad. Practice finally ended. We go home. Im frustrated out of my mind and sooo embarrassed. I just feel sooo bad.
The 20th... This is when I just couldnt take it anymore. I was basically having a breakdown. I called my doc office to see if I could get an appt to see my doc. That was at 8am and they finally called back around 4:30pm. I did get a prescription for anti-depressants. This night was crazy. My mom decided she wanted to go over my head on this one idea Ishan's ADHD counselor had that I actually agree with!!! If Ishan doesnt want to eat what we are having for dinner then he has to find something to eat and make it himself. Im cool with that. My mom was not. She fought with him about him wanting to eat a freakin peanut butter sandwich. WTF?!?! I ended up giving him the peanut butter so he could make his sandwich and my mom was pissed. Oh I wanted to slap her so hard and say HELLO! MY SON! I started my Celexa that night.
The 21st... I barely slept much the night before but I was feeling decent. I even put funky pigtails in my hair. That night I told Travis about what was going on. WOW oh WOW! He thinks that I am just lazy and I should get off my ass, that I'm not depressed at all. He does not care. Asshole. He took our 2 youngest thankfully. I picked Ryan up that night, we were supposed to hang out anyways but his mom was on his ass again so he asked if he could stay with me for a few. He brought his dog with him. I took my meds that night. WORST NIGHT EVER!! No sleep at all. I got up and had to pace around because my body would not stop shaking. I felt so out of control.
The 22nd... It gets worse. I felt sooo empty and there was nothing. I couldnt get out of bed. I didnt eat at all. I was half asleep the whole time. I couldnt even get up to pick my other kids up from Travis. My mom ended up doing it. She watched my kids all day and all night. I was downstairs in bed with Ryan and Beast. Im so glad that Ryan was there. He just held me and told me everything was going to be okay. He tried to cheer me up but failed badly. Worst day ever!! so far.
The 23rd... Ryan is still at my house so I take him to work in the morning. I had a little bit more sleep last night. This day was good. I was up with the kids and taking care of the dogs. It was good. I went and saw my doctor that day. She said she could see and hear how depressed that I am. She wants me to go see a counselor and up my dose to a pill and a half because she doesnt think 20mg will help me. Btw, Travis still doesnt care. Then I took Ryan and Beast home. Slept all night.
Today... WOW back to feeling empty. I was crying off and on all day. Stayed in bed again. Thankfully my mom was home!! She saw me in bed crying and just left me alone the rest of the day. I was def feeling like shit. I felt like stopping and never starting again. Still havent eaten anything since Saturday night. No motivation to do anything at all.
I can barely function. I take care of my kids but I dont take care of myself or clean etc like I am supposed to. I waste my time on facebook. I dont even enjoy being on facebook or the computer really. I just look at the same things over and over hoping for something different. I fake my happiness. No one knew at all. Things just kept getting worse and worse as months passed. This was just my breaking point. Just because I look happy doesnt mean that I am. Thankfully its been 18months since the last time I had thought about suicide (btw, I have had depression since 8th grade, just comes and goes). That was when Travis left me at 4 months pregnant. I never really think about it but I do talk about just giving up. I dont know if that is close enough tho. Between having Ishan and having Brooklyn, I had thought about suicide the most. I know how I will do it BUT I will never try it. I have my 3 babies. I finally got help for how I am feeling and acting. I cant even fully describe how everything is.
BUT guess what... My mom and Travis want me to stop taking my medication because they think its what is causing me to act like this. Unbelievable. They dont see. I try to be as strong as I can be and manage it myself. This was just me letting it happen. I wasnt fighting it anymore. I cant take it anymore. This is where I am so thankful Ryan is around. He is so supportive of me. He has been the only one to be there for me. I have talked to a couple of fellow CMers about this. Just wish they lived closer or something!!
I just wanted to let you ladies know whats up and why you dont see me post hardly at all. I just look around and I dont even know what to say half the time. My head is out of whack. Now Im just trying to get shit straight.
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I am so very sorry for all you are going through.but medication alone is not going to help your depression. I speak from experience that the real key to healing is to not only take meds, but to also be in therapy. it helps to have someone to talk to who is thoroughly supportive and is going to help you not hinder you. I hope you will get some help in that fashion. depression is a very serious illness.
- sati769leigh
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