Joshua's story

[MySaviorMyGod]

 One of my best days ever,one of my worst days ever. I went into preterm labor twice.First @7months then the final time 8 months.The Doctors gave me something to mature the babies lungs.(ouch a shot in my hip)Anyhow,He was born 11/26/95. The doctors first told me that He had a heart defect.ONE heart defect.THe good news was it was the most common heart defect in infants.A little surgery and thats that.so,Im ok with this.Well,not ok...but,,dealing I guess.Anyhow,,the doctors come back a few hours later telling me things have change and that they found two more hearts defects.Now this WAS a problem.He had two holes in his heart,the left and right ventricals were on the wrong sides,and then his aorta was narrow when it should be wide.The doctor tells me that he will die with out surgery.And its 50-50% with surgery.How can I make that choice??Well,I guess it wasnt as hard as I thought,Hmm definitly death without surgery and with it 50 50 hmm,so i went with the surgery.Of course right.Things look great i guess.I go see him and I see his chest still cut wide open with what looked like plastic wrap covering his heart.Being able to see his tiny little heart pumping was unreal.He looked so beat up,like someone beat him.It was a nightmare.. a few weeks go by the doc's start taking him off machines and meds.Maybe home in time for Christmas...We were excited.Well,,11/20/95 the hospital calls:"you need to come in,Joshua is very ill and back on everything,,I really need to come in"I knew it,I felt it, it was the end for him.I walk into his room and see about 6 doctors all around his little body.A nurse sees me and takes me to a private waiting room and has me wait there.The doctor comes in and sits down folds his hands and bows his head and says.........(Ill never forget his words)"I'm sorry there was nothing we could do to save him.I held him after he died.As I sat on the floor with my dead little son in my arms,I start to see his head move,,,I yell to the nurse,,and she explainned that its nerves and stuff settling.So,she takes him out of my arms they wrap my little baby up and carry him away and I never see him again. Ok,12/22/95 The day I have to put my son in the ground...I look back now and almost think this was worse then the actual death.This was the final momment.Im really never gonna see him ever again.Now up to this point,Ive went to happy to sad to a "this aint real"thing and now ,,,anger. Now,as I stand over the hole where his little body is gonna be put in,tears freezing on my face.Hoping Jesus suffered on the cross,me just damning god for taking my son.I lost my mind,I ran after him,what I was gonna do with him I have no clue lol.But I couldnt let them cover my little baby up with dirt.I guess they gave "grandpa the money back.I guess they felt so bad about me and Josh that they couldnt take our money. ~Joshuas First birthday was hell.I wanted to be with him so badly that I almost got what I wanted.But,Not realizing if I died I would of lost both my boys.The one who was still alive and the one in heaven. .While in the hospital not having either one of my kids made me realize that fast.,I got home after being there for I think 3 days.I slowly started to get better.I still cried and got so high.I was high from the second we left his grave till the day I found out I was having my Dylan.God blessed me around that time a few times.The first time was .I needed closure I needed to say good bye,I asked God to give me a sign,something I cant over look.As I was saying this and looking out the window I asked for a flock of birds or something,,thats when two flocks over flew each other.It was so amazing.Ill never forget it as long as I live.Then The night my husband and I where together,All I wished for was aonther chance with a son.I knew.I did get pregnant that night.9 months later Dylan was born.I was so selfish with Dylan.I hardly even let his dad hold him.Thank God Jim was so understanding.I just couldnt help myself.Nobody could tell me why Joshua got sick..all they could tell me is its one of those things or a freak of nature.so,I was loving Dylan every second I had with him.

[ajc0623]

Nov. 27, 2009 at 2:02 PM

I am so sorry for your loss.

[AmaliaD]

Nov. 27, 2009 at 5:32 PM

i am glad you could have another baby.  i lost my second son in may,  i am blessed with his older brother, completely healthy who is 4.  without my living son i would just die... i cant have more because the genetic syndrome that took my baby, has a one in four chance of happening to all my kids and they cannot invitro a healthy cell because they dont even know all the genes that cause it... i am kinda jealous you could have another baby.  and i know what you mean about holding the dead baby,  it is the worst thing. 

[ninajo]

Nov. 27, 2009 at 6:40 PM

Thank God you did come back too your other son and now you can live on for your little Dylan too....I love your story...We never know what we can do until we have to do it...God Bless you...NinaJo

[Moosiecake]

Nov. 27, 2009 at 8:03 PM

You are a remarkable woman with such inner strength!  Dylan is so very lucky to have you as his mother!!   Hugs and Love to you dear lady

 

[PsychologyMama]

Nov. 27, 2009 at 11:09 PM

im so sorry

[marinesweetie]

Nov. 27, 2009 at 11:11 PM Your such a strong woman. Idk what I would do if I ever lost my son. I'm so protective of him bc we came close when I was in labor. I'm glad you were able to conceive dylan. I hope his life is a wonderful one as well as your other son.

[wonderwoman545]

Nov. 27, 2009 at 11:53 PM

Wow! I'm deeply saddened by your pain. I'm also greatly happy about your Dylan. My heart goes out to you and hope that one day your son will know just how special you both are. Much love!