My marriage is an absolute disaster

[starcrossedlove]

 I am having a really negative time with my husband lately. We have a lot of downs and then neutraltime where it is not good or bad. It has been like this for four years and I want to be a wonderful loving wife but I find myself often feeling like I can not do it for this man. He is not a leader and it is very hard for me. I try to lift him up and tell him what an amazing person he is and how proud we are of him but it seems to have no effect. I realize he is insecure and this was a problem he had for many years for meeting me and it can not be undone overnight but I have lost the will to try. There was never a spark of love between us, I thought I could force it. I married him because I was pregnant, he didn't even propose. I am the most lonely person in the world. He doesn't cheat or physically abuse me, but he emotionally abuses me. We never have sex. Ever. The last time was sometime in early September/late august. I have no interest in him. I don't want to get a divorce at 25 but I can not see myself living this way for the rest of my life. I do not want my kids to grow up seeing a horribly dysfunctional marriage. If there was originally nothing there you cant force love. I have had people tell me it will work if I really want it and I think in some cases where the "spark" was just lost it is possible but you can not create something from nothing. This thing we call a "marriage" has festered into a disease. No one is ever happy and I am not faking it anymore. The faking isn't working I have been trying to fake for over 3 years. I guess I don't have anything else to say. On top of all of the other crap that is going on this is the last thing I need.

[tabtabmom]

Nov. 29, 2009 at 5:35 PM

I am sorry. Is your husband saved? If not start praying for him to be.

[starcrossedlove]

Nov. 29, 2009 at 5:37 PM

yes he is. I pray for us to be in "love" everyday. I ask others to pray for us too.

(Original Poster)

[runningwithdogs]

Nov. 29, 2009 at 5:39 PM

Hon, happiness is over rated...that said, don't sit there and quietly die inside because you don't want to 'disappoint' anyone. I did it for 5 years...I married my ex because I was pregnant. I told him it wasn't a good idea, and for 5 years and two kids, we tried. It wasn't going to work. EVER. I had more attraction to my shower head than I had to him. The thought of him repulsed me.  I had given up on everything...even myself. But one day  I said enough was enough. I asked him to leave, I filed for divorce and moved on with my life. I happened to meet my DH (and as much as we bicker...and irritate each other, he IS the ONE). I got a renewed sense of self. I started taking care of myself. Not just to keep him attracted, but because I felt like I finally deserve it. 

YOU DESERVE IT. Like I said, happiness is over rated, but allowing yourself to die a little each day is wrong. It may be hard. It will be scary. But in the end, you will be alive again.

[Teejay602]

Nov. 30, 2009 at 7:08 PM

I mean this in the nicest way... Love is a Choice.

[Teejay602]

Nov. 30, 2009 at 7:46 PM

I mean this in the nicest way... Love is a Choice.

I think it can be for some. I DO love my husband however I am not in love with him and I never have been. I realize that many arranged marriages do not start with love and it comes with time but that is not always the case. No one can tell me what emotions I can and can not have so I am going to have to trust my heart on this one and not force myself to "fake" a life of "love". Does this also mean sex is a choice? I should do it even though it makes my stomach turn? A "loving" wife would I suppose and to me that just seems like a woman that needs extensive counseling.

(Original Poster)

[marny]

Nov. 30, 2009 at 11:14 PM

I have a similar story to you. I just got married in July, knowing my heart just isn't in it (yet?). I just keep hoping that we will grow to be in love. I'm working really hard on it and I share these feelings with my husband. I know it hurts him but I feel that honesty is important. I have to constantly remind myself of his good qualities, and tell him (and me) why his is a good father and husband. I made a choice, not knowing if it was the right one. Now I just have to make it that way. I think it can be too easy for us (women) to expect too much from "love". We want to be "in love" and we want strong overpowering emotions to prove that we are in love. We are more likely to envy our friends' marriages and crave what we see in movies. 

I really admire your honesty because well, no one wants to admit that they are unhappy with their marriage. We all want our friends and families to think everything is happy and wonderful and you're right, it's exhausting to keep that up all the time. As much as I hate what you're going through, it is nice to hear that I'm not the only one. It is nice to know that someone else has a less than perfect marriage. And you can only fix it after you admit what it is doing to you both.

Sorry I don't have any advice. I'm in the same boat, sinking ship that it may be, but really, thank you for sharing and for being so honest. I wish you the best!

[marny]

Dec. 1, 2009 at 8:21 AM

Sorry I don't have any advice. I'm in the same boat, sinking ship that it may be, but really, thank you for sharing and for being so honest. I wish you the best!

Awww thank you. I didnt realize you were having the same issues. I kept it inside for SO many years that when it came out it was the biggest relief ever. I do expect more from love, you are totally  right. I was in love once and it was taken away and I NEVER got over it. I think that is a huge part of this. Nothing will ever compare to how I used to feel and I guess I hate that.

(Original Poster)

[08mpayne]

Dec. 1, 2009 at 3:05 PM

Divorce is hard....sometimes harder than staying with someone you don't love.  THere is a reason that there is a saying, "The grass is always greener..."