I am a walking statistic, and I just want to break the cycle

[HappyEndings]

I was made fun of and picked on in elementry school, because I was a tom boy, a bookworm, and I didn't wear name brand clothes.

In Jr. high, my grades dropped, I couldn't pay attention in class, was battling depression, and crying myself to sleep every night. I got into smoking, drinking, and drugs.

In high school, my grades were non-exsistant. I skipped school. Got involved w/ a guy, who I'd been friends w/ for a yr. Thought we were in love and going to get married. Gave him my virginity. In return, he spent most of our 2 yr. relationship being physically, verbally, and emotionally abusive, possesive, and controlling. I was in and out of trouble w/ the law. He talked me into dropping out. And at 16 I became a mother. By 17 I was a single mother. I got a job, and struggled to pull my life together. Later that same yr. I was involved in an accident. I broke both my legs, and had to learn how to walk all over again.

With the money I got from the accident, I got my license, a car, my own apt., and home schooled to get my diploma. Kicked the guy that I had been w/, (another 2 yr. disaster) out because I found out he was only w/ me, because he didn't wanna live w/ his mom.

Met the guy who is now my husband. We moved into a trailer that I bought w/ my money. Got preg. again at 22. Got married at 25. Got preg. again at 26. Moved into a house that once again, I bought w/ the last of my settlement money.

My husband, in the last wk. has totally turned into another person. Out of the blue, he's started leaving, and not coming back until the next day. Going out to bars. Complaining about how bored he is. I've tried to change some things about me, tried to fight for him, and our marriage, cried 20 times a day, and feel like my life is falling apart. He just doesn't show that he cares at all. No compassion, no comfort, it's like he's a total stranger. He says he loves me, and that he doesn't want a divorce, but then he starts talking about how things will never change, etc.

And to top it all off, I'm 2 wks. late. (I'm not talking for work either). He says that regardless of whether we stay together or not, we're having trouble providing financially for our kids, and a new baby would just complicate things, and make our exsisting kids grow up poor. So he mentioned an abortion. I'm totally against it. I refuse, and don't believe in abortion. He even went so far as to bring our kids into it, asking them if they wanted another baby around. So I told him that I didn't even have to claim him as the father, we could get a divorce, and he could make a choice. Either claim the child as his own, or don't. But whatever he decided, I'm still having the baby.

So now I'm prob. gonna be a single mom, raising 4 kids from 2 diff. fathers, working a dead end job, just trying to keep my kids, fed, healthy, w/ a roof over thier heads. I just don't know what to do to break the cycle. I don't want a divorce, or an abortion and I'm tired of being a statistic.

[scarrymama]

Nov. 30, 2009 at 3:19 PM

Wow girl, I just don't know what to say...I wish I had magic spell to say to make it all better...wish I had the right words to say...but what are the right words??? I hear you, I'm listening....if you need to chat, I'm around....NEVER GIVE UP. Even when it looks hopeless, don't give up hope. My thoughts and prayers will be with you.

[tlweiss]

Dec. 1, 2009 at 7:07 AM

I can only hope and pray for you to be able to break out of this mold. You look like you are headed in that direction.Good for you. Wanting to make a change is the first step to doing it. Keep up with the posts. You will find many people watching and caring from afar.

[bugsandpirates]

Dec. 1, 2009 at 7:34 AM

"So now I'm prob. gonna be a single mom, raising 4 kids from 2 diff. fathers, working a dead end job, just trying to keep my kids, fed, healthy, w/ a roof over thier heads. I just don't know what to do to break the cycle. I don't want a divorce, or an abortion and I'm tired of being a statistic. "

Your above quote, broke my heart but also gave me a sense of admiration.  You know your life hasn't been anything but easy, but your main concern is to improve your life and provide for your children.  I wish I could tell you that you won't get a divorce, or what to do about the baby, but only you can make the right choice.  And yes, I do believe the choices that you made in the past are who you are today, and can you imagine life without your children, if you didn't go through those moments.

I wish you the very best in finding peace and happiness.  You will be alright. 

[Lb128f]

Dec. 2, 2009 at 12:40 AM

I'm sorry. Maybe you and your DH could try counseling...obviously you have to get him to open up to talking about what's going on (with him) and with you all as a couple. If you find that you are headed for divorce or if not...there is a way to get yourself out of the "cycle" -- it won't be easy...but, you CAN do it!

Anyone can get student loans for college...a State college (not some Internet college...they will just charge extra fees and take all your student loan money). As a Mom of 4 you can get the highest amount possible for school...and, it will be enough to pay for school and books AND you will have money left over to live on.

If you are single (and you may even qualify if married)...you can apply for Childcare assistance through Social Services and your children can go to Preschool, a Sitter or Daycare at little or NO cost.

You can take classes 3 days a week, 4 classes each semester (2 semesters a year -- Aug.- Dec. and Jan- May)...if you budget your student loan money you will have enough to get you through the summer months. And...in 4 years (or less) you will have a BS degree in whatever you decide you want to do...and...YOU can do anything you want!

At any local State college they have Admission Counselors who can help you decide what to major in (whatever you are interested in) and they have counseling programs and special programs for Women...usually a Women's Services office.

In 4 years...you are going to be 4 years older...you can be that with or without a degree...you should go! If you were able to get your diploma (or GED) on your own...you can do this too.

If you happen to be single...you will be receiving Child Support (or Welfare if no one is paying support) and will also qualify for other Social Services...WIC (if you aren't already getting it), Food Stamps, help with utilities and maybe even housing help. These programs are in place for people like you who need help for a period of time until they can make it on their own. If you really want to make things better for a lifetime (for you and your children)...you can. Good Luck!