Remind me to lose my mind AFTER college *Rant*

[Momma_Halo]

I am three months away from finishing college and I KNEW that this day would come and I am not talking about finishing college. I am talking about an Anxiety attack that would be the end all to every Anxiety attack I have ever had. 

Most of them are like tiny tremors that just jar you. Others are like having the flu... just don't feel that good. But this one felt like a tiny heart attack. I have had a lot of junk happen to me in a matter of months that have been on my mind. But I was raised to keep it to myself and stay strong. 

No help from the government beyond a 170 dollars of food stamps. They have pretty much told me that they just didn't care that I am in college and to deal with what they give me. Then later on finding out from a friend of mine that her ex husbands sister put herself into a drug induced bi-polar disorder and is in and out of jail for selling drugs. The welfare office went straight to the jail and helped her to get on over 800 dollars of food stamps and 30,000 dollars a month of disability! HOW IS THAT FAIR?! I bust my butt daily because I was raised to believe if you work hard you will go far and if you need help just ask. And I asked and they told me they don't care about good hard working individuals who do everything in their power to better their lives when they don't have all the resources. If it wasn't for my mother in law I wouldn't be in college right now.

Which brings me to the next problem... no money for Christmas. I don't care about the presents but I am just worried about keeping a roof over our heads. We are praying that a check is really in the mail. Because last time we heard that they decided we didn't deserve a check and revoked it. And we had to sell almost all our belongings to make payments and crappy credit does not help with finding a nice cheap apartment (and I am only 3,000 in debt). 

Next, my sister and brother decided the military was their thing. Fine, I am happy for them. But now my sister wants to move to California and southern Cali to be exact. I am really close to my sister and she is my support system. So for her to move away and go over seas to work on jet engines my heart sank even more. My brother I am not as close to but his wife and I are. And they just announced they are divorcing. And in my family when the D word is announced people just disappear and never come back! No, no one kills them it is just they never want to hang out with us anymore. Thanks brother!

I have been dealing with some nasty allergies due to someone wearing too much perfume for even a French whore. And breaking out in hives almost every night! This is my last week of class and I am not sure if I should make a huge fuss or not. And after this she is graduating. And confronting people does not help my anxiety attacks. 

Speaking of class I have had loads of homework and I have been trying to get them done only to fall short. So now I have a ton of homework and just hoping for a C+. This class has been kicking my butt and I don't think I got anything from it at all. Then while I am stressed out because of homework and class I look around and the only thing that is getting done in my house is homework and dishes. And that bothers me because my house is a mess. 

Add all the sleepless nights from staying up and doing homework, instructors who post print out tests when it is two days before it is due and you are no where near a printer, and your diet consists of soda and junk food... ANXIETY ATTACK!

I remember hitting a nerve in my foot and it caused my leg to go numb and then everything went into a fog. In that fog I felt like I was running to find my husband in the college and when I found him begged him to come out into the hall... started rambling non-sense and then woke up to my husband calling my name and looking up from the floor. 

After that I have had a five day weekend and I spent all five days recovering. I haven't done a lick of homework, picked up one thing around the house, and I feel as though I just woke up yesterday. My husband told me it was like having a ghost in the house. He didn't like it one bit because I had literally lost sleep, I had dark circles under my eyes, and I had a stomach ache the whole time. He thought I was pregnant at one point but we squashed that one. 

So yesterday when I mentally "woke up" I looked around and saw a huge gaping mess in my house because my boys just don't know how to clean or turn on a washing machine. So I announced that Christmas is coming early and I started on some arts and crafts. I made a Christmas wreath and started cleaning the kitchen.

We put up a lot of the Christmas decorations and the outside is ready since I cleaned it really good spraying off cobwebs and sweeping away leaves and other junk that collects by the door.

Today unfortunately was spent cleaning yet again but I attacked my room when I realized my room has added to the stress. My TV some how migrated over to sit on top of my clothing hamper while my husbands junk took over the top of the dresser. Clutter up to my knees on my husbands side of the bed. I even found half of my dishes! So I started picking up and organizing my bedroom finding half the crap I have been missing for months.

All the while listening to Christmas music.

This is going to be a month long cleaning. I can feel it. My boys won't let me clean it in a month and will automatically mess it up again. I need a vacation.