Food...my love, hate relationship!

[chela17]

My mind is running everywhere right now and I feel like this journal post should be really 3 posts because the things on my mind are so random. Ok well, let me start.

I need to get a hold of myself and really take this gym thing seriously. Time is passing me by and therefore my gym membership is also passing me by. This has been the 3rd week with it and I have only gone a handful of times.

It seems to be a constant battle with my weight. I mean I look at pictures that I took a year ago, this April, and even this summer and I can't believe I just let myself go! It's the time of year that I wish I was down those sizes because of all the cute dresses/clothes that are out for the holidays, but here I am stuck in my oversized sweaters and sweats because I can't seem to get my act together.

I know I want it bad, so why is it not happening or why is it not clicking. I know 3 weeks of my constant discipline with the gym and eating right will help, but I can't seem to get myself snapped into reality. I want to take our Christmas photos soon, but I fear I will not like any of them because of how I will ruin the picture. I have to commit to this and keep my mind positive.

I know that beating myself up over it will just make the situation worse and make things seem like forever and that I am getting nowhere! I really let myself go this time though and I am not even smoking weed this time. In '08 I gained a lot of weight because I was smoking a lot of weed and I just blew up. When I was high, I did not care what I looked like nor did I feel ugly because I was always stoned. I just ate when the munchies came and that made me feel good.

My problem now is that I can't seem to be disciplined with the food. Meaning I think I will need to start a chart of the foods I eat during the day or carry a notebook so I can remind myself what was my calorie intake and also focus on the fact that I am not getting enough fruits and vegetables. I think this will help me a lot and keep me focus as well =). Like I said, I am trying to keep myself positive about the situation and not beat myself over it so I am looking for new ways to help improve my habits.

Being addicted to food sucks, especially when I love to cook and I am good at it =(