Lost in Life

[Mommatoobe]

 I don't believe I have ever done a journal. There is just so much going on in my life I haven't a clue where to start. I don't really have anyone to talk to so I do believe I will just type to myself!

I had ruff teens years. I was pretty outgoing and tried more than I should of. I got pregnant when I was 18 after only being with the Daddy for 2 weeks. We got married after knowing eachother less than a month. That was in 2008. Our daughter was born Dec 5, 2008. She is the joy of my life...although I really miss my sleep.....wait do i even still know what that is? Guess not.

She was born 5 14oz and 2 weeks early. She got jaundice within a day of birth and it was so bad she spent 48 hours under phototherapy lights. It was very hard to see her that way and to make matters worse she wouldn't breastfeed. I couldn't get her to latch on. I have every specialty person trying to help and nothing worked. It broke my heart...my baby didn't want me! She didn't eat the first 2 days she was alive. By the time we left the hospital she weighed 5 2oz and was of couse still 20inches long. Tall and skinny.

Kasandra wore premie clothes for the first 3 months. She used to sleep through the night...I miss those days.

In the past year there has been so much that has gone wrong in life. I used to excersize...haha that is a laugh unless once a month counts. I did my make up daily....and had time to take a shower everyday. We lived on base when I was pregnant with Kasandra. My husband and I fought alot...one of the days we drove out to stay at my grandparents house we stopped by a bank and he accidently pulled 500 dollars out of someone elses account! He was in the Military. A few months after I gave birth...he was in and out of court....Guily! He was put on ankle monitor for 4 months. He was kicked out of the military...I was a Nanny of 5 who watched 6 children 6days a week working all the time. He got a job delivery pizza and we both didn't make much at all. Plus....we had to fork out thousands for the damn ankle monitor. Because of everything that was going on we had to move off base and in with my grandparents.

Living with Family SUCKS! My husband and I began fighting alot....he worked late and all the time....even on Sundays...my ONLY day off! My grandma nitpicks every damn thing I do. I hate it. So to releive my stress I would pick fights with him and take it out on him...horrible but I didn't relize I was doing it.

Kasandra has had yeast infections too many times to count. She currently has one and it breaks my heart.

Well anyway....

Back in Oct my husband father flew up here from the lower 48's. My husband and his dad drove from AK to ND where his family it. A few days after they left on their long drive my daughter and I boarded a plane! She was nearly 10 months old then. She didn't want to sit still for nothing. She was a quiet baby on the plane fortunately. Kasi and I got to meet "Daddy's" family for 3 weeks. Hubby got a good paying job, then lost it for showing up to work late. He blamed Kasi because she was up screaming til 3am and he had to get up for work at 4am and he overslept his clock. We still fought alot but I thought we were getting along so much better!

After 3 weeks my daughter and I boarded another plane...and fyi it wasn't just one plane each time is was 3-5 planes and 3-5 airports EVERY time I says we boarded a plane! BTW- I HATE the SEATLE Airport...I hated all those transit train things. Well we left to OR to visit my family for a week while my hubby stayed in ND.

The first day apart I was recieving a lot of text messages from him. He misses us so much. He loves us. He never wants to see us board a plane without him again! A few days later he showed up in OR....he drove there to see us. He spent 2 days with us before driving back to ND and the next day on to KY. Well on Halloween....a day before my 20th birthday I didn't really hear from him much. Then on my birthday.....I still hardly heard from him. Then the day after my birthday....the day Kasi and I boarded the plane to head back to AK....he tells me he has been thinking a lot about divorce the last SIX MONTHS!!! WHat?!?!? I cried all morning....I couldn't even face my 6 year old sister that I hadn't seen in 4 years to give her a hug before she had to leave for school!

A few days after we got back to AK I went back to work...I have been the Nanny of the 5 for 2 years now and I love it....just the pay sucks...I use more on gas than I make. Well...My whole family kept asking "So does DH miss you?" "Is he ready to get you back down there with him?" and I would play it off like yeah he is the loving husband and father and can't wait til we get down there......

continue tomorrow

[NannyB.]

Dec. 3, 2009 at 7:33 AM

It sounds like you just need a little encouragement.  The baby's problems are pretty typical of small babies, but probably nobody told you that, and I'm thinking she has outgrown all of them by now.  And your hubby probably doesn't have a clue as to how to encourage you and make you feel better.  It doesn't mean he doesn't care--he's just a man and he doesn't know how.  That's what moms and grandmoms and aunts and other family females typically do very well, so if you need it, ask for it.  If you don't have family, you can ask me.  I'm a mom of 3 and grandmom of 5.  One of my delights is in encouraging young moms.