WHAT A YEAR

[Nitanni]

This year has been quite the coaster ride, but this time, I am really hoping. It hurts a little sometimes (past disappointments can haunt you), but I’m just trying to pray and hope for the best.

My fan fic on Cafemom ended on 11/27. It was 109 consecutive weeks that was worth it and would never take back. I did it because I wanted to love someone, even in fiction, that was worth it, and I did…now if only life could imitate art. *sigh* Ah, well.

My book, Activity Partner, was released as an eBook through Amira Press in February and then in print on Amazon.com on my son’s 13^th birthday in May. I have been getting small royalty checks every month, not to mention some fan mail. It’s hard to believe, but there it is—I’m a writer! I’m working on another book, and there is another totally different one in what I call the “gestational” stage (it’s in my head). But this goal was 10 years in the making, and here it is.

This year, I met my compu-pal, just1moreangel, who is a fellow WWE fan. We met and went to Wrestlemania! We stayed for about a week, had moments we’d never forget, and later this year-by following my heart, listening to it--I met him...him--the man I wrote the fan fic about! And he is worth it, in his eyes I found vindication for the 109 weeks, I really did. He stays in my prayers and part of  my heart. Plans are in motion for Wrestlemania 2010. Besides the fan fic, the other thing that Cafemom gave me was this great friend/sister, as well as my “bridal party.” (private joke) Tara and Jen are still my great friends and I am grateful for them.

Another great thing is Moms Who Are Caregivers. This group of women are strong and face adversity every day caring for those they love so deeply in the most trying times of their lives, and make time to be there for each other, for me. They are great friends and I’m grateful to this group. God bless them all, they've really helped me and still do.

Home has changed a little. We’re more amicable these days. There was a talk, a painful one, but things are a bit better now with attitudes. The work load hasn’t changed, I’m still doing all I’ve done before, but I’m just content to not be berated as much. I still want my own life and space, but I’m thankful to God for making it bearable.

My son is my focus and worry. He is 13, and just doesn’t want to study or do anything that isn’t enjoyable. He’s stereotype, from what I hear, but it’s driving me nuts. His grades have suffered, and now he is under punishment for that, so the battle begins. I just keep praying for something to happen within him, or some help to come. I even went to Big Brothers & Sisters, but there is a serious shortage of mentors. He also had a falling out with his bio-dad. This man, after 9 years of no contact though I sent him pics & letters, keeps trying to tell my son lies about me—lies that have been proven to be just that already. It’s awful, and that is yet another thing we have to deal with. I feel as if I’ve failed, though I know I haven’t, but I always thought there would be someone before all this happened.

Work is work. If you’ve survived layoffs, your workload has increased, simple as that. I love my job (I work in kids’ playgroups and afterschool programs) but the corporate side of my job has reared its ugly head and snorted. I see the chess game many of us will lose (I was corporate for 13 years), but all I can really do at this point is work hard and keep the kids as my primary focus. That helps so much when the BS is slung.

I also started riding my bike to Navy Pier. It's beautiful. You see how big the sky and water is, and you see that God has it all worked out. I always find peace there. I sometimes brought my laptop to work fan fic, or I would just sit, stare out and pray. I am thankful I found this place, I really am.

The family building is not finished, though the job has been paid for. I will never hire a relative (or at least mine) to do anything like this, and I had a bad feeling even when my mom hired my uncle. We’re stuck and losing money until it’s done, but I don’t know when that will be, so I have to try to get extra hours, sell more on eBay and get my next book out pronto.

The part of this year that was just painful was the death of my dog, Totty. I am still dealing with that. Even though she lived eight years past her life expectancy, it still hurts because I miss her. I haven’t picked up her blankets and bowls yet, but when I’m ready, I will.

All in all, no tears like before, but plenty of sighing-lol. There were moments of extreme sadness and doubt, but every time God gave me moments and people to draw on--especially from Cafemom, to help me tilt my chin up. I look forward to 2010, and I hope that more of my prayers and wishes will be granted, that my loved ones will stay in God’s care with me. I’m not exactly in the Christmas spirit yet, but I enjoy watching others in it.

[butterflybelle2]

Dec. 18, 2009 at 6:27 PM

Love ya girl! :)

*T*