-
The hardest thing i ever had to do in my life.
- Dec 7, 2009 at 12:57 PM
- By
- Comments (9) Total Views (220) Everyone can see this journal post.
i was a week late. so i decided to take a test to make myself feel better .and it was POSSITVE. both of them.So Im preg once again. For the 4th time. i got on the phone with the clinic 15 mins later making a apointment. I fefused to have this baby. My husband and I refused to have a 4th child. Its our personal desicion for our family. We cant afford it. Dont have the patience. Its not fair to my kids. Mia is only 5 months old. Brayden 20 months old. Haylee 3 years old. I never wanted 3. But I love the 3 I got. My dr told me my body wouldnt handle another preg. My body hasnt had time to heal from the 3 preg I had on top of each other. It isnt fair to my kids for me to be on bedrest for all that time. Miss all that time with them again like when I was preg with Mia. I wont do this to them. I refuse. IDk what else we could have done. I cant be on BC bcuz i have alergic reaction to the hormones. We used spirmicide. he never cam in me. we seem to fail everytime. i never thought i would have an abortion. it wasnt for me. but when a situation actully happend to me. it feels the best choice for my family. i am so mad and agravated this even happend again. and that i have to go threw this disgusting terrible thing. i am an aweful person. but i have to live with this for the rest of my life. and at least i will know it was best. its a month away from my husband getting fixed also. OF COURSE.
saturday 12/5/09
my husband and i drove 1.5 hours. we got there. i was nervous of protesters. we saw one. and they wernt aloud on the property so he was far away. i was the first one there. really small waiting room. by the time i left the waiting room was full of wemon. nice people at the clinic. i was scared bcuz it was something knew. and i didnt know what to expect. i filled out the paperwork. signed the papers. i got even more scared bcuz the paperwork i had to sign was bcuz the shot i was gonna get to start the misscariage was NOT fda approved. so i got even more scared. they called me back. i payed. got my finger pricked for blood work. peed in a cup. and got a ultrasound. i was 6 weeks. the dr saw me, talked to me., and told me after i get this shot i have to make sure i go threw with the pills bcuz the baby will be born with terrible birth defects. i almost backed out at that point. but to me that would have been selfish. all i could think about were my 3 babys. i was really afraid of the needle it looked scary. idk how i went threw 3 labors. and 3 epidurals. the dr said "o this is nothing u wont feel it" and he was right. i didnt feel it AT ALL. he gave me a perscription for tylonal with codein for the cramps when i insert the pills 6 days later. they said i could insert them 5-9 days later. and i have to do it 2 night in a row. they gave me 8 pills. i chose to put them in friday and saturday night so my husband was home to help me with the kids. bcuz i was told i cant do a lot so i dont hemerage. 4 pils in the vagina friday night before bed. and 4 pills saturday night before bed. now this is what im most afriad of. the pills and the pain. i was told from people who done this that it hurt worst than labor. and the majority of the people told me they didnt feel much. just period cramps and slept threw it. i hope thats how it is for me. i keep making myself sick over thinking about it. im just a big baby. but i just want to get it over with. i went to the clinic expecting to take a pill there by mouth not a needle. bcuz everyone who told me thier story said they were givin a pill. but i got a shot. but like i said it was harmless. i also was told 24 hrs later they inserted the pill so it was a shock to me i had to wait all week. im on a strict diet till thuresday. bcuz folic acid can interfer with the medicine i got in the shot. it sucks having to read everything i eat, and not eat the things i crave and love. so now i wait till friday night. and this week is probaly gonna last forever. maybe by then i wont be scared, ill just be ready to get this over with. iv been really tired and depressed i guess u can say. not bcuz of the abortion. bcuz i had to do it in the first place. ill be happier when its all over. i really believe this. i know people regret it after they do it. and i dont have not one regret. this was the best thing for my family and my family is my life. my number one concern. if someone asked me do i think they should do this i would say if deep down in ur heart u know its the right choice for u. then yes i think u should. i will update after i do the pills this weeknd. i hope i helped a lot of people.
sat 12/12/09
i inserted the 4 pills last night at 9:20 pm. i layed in bed and played cards and whatched movies with my husband till 1am. no pain no bleeding yet. i took my tylonol with codein just in case and went to bed. i woke up at 7 am to pee. and i had a little blood on my pad. and i passed what i think was the baby bcuz i had to push a little to help it out bcuz i felt the preasure. i couldnt see what it was in the toilet bcuz the water was red from blood. i went back to bed till 11am and now im up and doing a little cleaning and watching tv. no pain at all yet. not even cramps. so i think i had myself all worked up and worried for nothing! my bleeding is really light so i know its gonna get heavier soon. i might get cramps too after i insert the 4 other pills tonight. i hope not. i will update after tomorrow. i cant wait till its all over. after tomarrow it will be. i will just be bleeding for a couple weeks. i have to be careful and watch things i do so i dont hemerage. cant lift over 25lbs they said. thank god my hubby is home to help me. but really i feel great and im so glad i did it. i refuse to have sex till my husband gets fixed. i will not go threw this again. i feel bad a little bit that i even had to do this. but now that i did it and i know it wasnt painful and im not depressed etc, i feel really happy its almost over.
sunday 12/13/09
Last night i inserted the last 4 pills. still no cramps or pain at all. stil very little blood. i hope its working. the paper they gave me does say that some women can take a week to start bleeding. i would be that rare chance. and i prolly will be in the 5% that the procedure doesnt fully work for and have to get the vacum done anyway to get the rest of the stuff out of me. i laughed today bcuz i had myself so upset and sick all week afriad of the pain. and NOTHING! lol shows what a huge baby i am. i told my mother today. i thought it would have been harder. i knew she would freak if i had another child. my family is still stuck on how young we are etc. and we already have 3. but she was shocked but supportive. she agreed i did the right thing. i knew she would. but i still didnt want to tell her bcuz i didnt want a lecture on how we arnt careful enough. blah blah. well i will keep updating. i have a checkup visit the day after xmas. to check and see if everythign cleaned out. i will update them and throught the week if anything changes.
sat 12-26-09
i went back to the clinic today to get checked and make sure everything was cleaned out of me. i thought i would be the 1 out of 10 women where the pill didnt work. bcuz i had no pain. and not a lot of blood at all. but it did. everything was fine. im glad this is all over. what i thought would be the hardest thing i ever had to do turned into the eaisiest thing i ever had to do. no pian. hardley any blood. and i dont regret it. i had to do it. i wanted to do it. and im glad i did.
Comments:
Good for you for thinking of your 3 beautiful children first. I too hope you can sleep through the weekend with period type cramps. Thank you for letting people see the realistic heart felt side of a difficult decision many many women end up on a different side of when faced with it personally. Best of luck and best wishes to you. 
thank u so much
You have to be a mother to the ones you have... and you are right, it sounds as if this would cetainly take away from them. I also I want to commend you for sharing this...
{{{hugs}}}
I agree with purpleducky. Something permanent seems like a good solution for you and your family....
Kudos on your tough decision, and I feel the same you do, you have to take care of your children already on this planet FIRST, and no mother has a right to pass negative judgement, because you put your babies first.
I would've done the same. I hope it IS just like a period and drama free for you!
yes my husband goes jan 8th for a visectomy. and next year i will be getting fixed myself. thank u all for the support
Please send me a friend request if you need anyone to talk to.
Just checking on you....sounds like it is going well....look at your beautiful three and know that you made the best decision all around.
Already a member? Click here to log in
You are a very couragous woman to post this on here. I am so sorry you have had to go through this. I strongly suggest something more permanent for birth control. You seem very sure that you don't want anymore. How about a tubal ligation or Essure for you or a vasectomy for your husband? I strongly suggest the Essure but I am bias because that is what I had done. I hope you feel better. HUGS!!
- purpleducky
Message Friend Invite