it's been about 3 months

[jramsaran]

Well.  The 10th will make it three months.  Don't go around forgetting the day you downed a bottle of pills in the middle of what is supposed to be a happy life.  And it is a happy life...just an unbalanced one.  One where the right amount of neuro-secretions isn't there.  And so they fill you up with drugs.  

My therapist said to me the other day: if you succeed.  can you think of the number of people who would ask "why didn't they come to me for help?  why didn't they talk to me?"

And that made sense to me.  So I talk to people, because I am not quite fixed yet.  Still working out the imbalance that I call my brain.  Still don't feel "right", but then again anti-psychotics are far more different than the usual cocktail of antidepressants that I am used to.  These feel....heavier.

So that's where I have been for three months...recovering from a suicide attempt.  Some of my friends have seen me over on FB, where journaling and friend interaction is much more limited I think.  Here you get closer to people, and I miss that closeness.  

I think I want it back.

So my friends...how do I get back in?

[KristiS11384]

Dec. 8, 2009 at 2:25 PM

(((HUGS))) I'm sure this post and opening yourself up to others will be all that is needed.

[MegaMamaTX]

Dec. 8, 2009 at 2:43 PM

Good for you! And good luck to you in your recovery. If you need more friends, I'll be one!

[belladonna777]

Dec. 8, 2009 at 2:49 PM

slowly Jess.  I am in your exact same boat.  I have been MIA since my attempt and I too miss the closeness and support but just dont know how to find my way back......................................

[sherriet]

Dec. 8, 2009 at 3:11 PM

You've always been in.  I'm always around for you. Hugs.

[kittyhasclaws]

Dec. 8, 2009 at 4:38 PM

Jess, you know me.  You know my family.  You've been around for support for me on so many things.  You've been understanding, you've been kind, you've been helpful.  I've always been happy to call you my friend.  So when I say what I'm about to say to you, just know that I still love you.

You can't delude yourself and say that what you were living was supposed to be a happy life.  You had been unhappy with your treatment for a long time before this happened.  You came to me with some of your problems- not all, but some.  You told me about how he would be an asshole to you until he wanted to get some ass.  He demeaned you in front of both me and Jacob.  He made you feel like a bad mother when Gabby broke her arm.  You feared Gabby getting hurt or sick would bring more of it on you. He had no regard for your feelings, and couldn't even be bothered to remember my name even after we'd been friends for a few months.  He got MAD at you for trying to surprise him when he came home from AFGHANISTAN, for pete's sake!  This is what you'd call a happy life?

Jess, you were removed from pretty much everyone you physically knew.  You were removed from your support system.  You broke.  I still think your diagnosis was wrong.  I know bipolar.  I lived with someone who had it for years.  He DID kill himself because of it.  And guess what?  He didn't have someone there who would actually tell him that they'd take the child out for a few hours so he COULD go slit his wrists or down a bottle of pills.  He had someone there that STOPPED him more than once before he succeeded. 

Depression is a bitch, and I know it.  But you can't delude yourself to believe that this was even half your fault.  You were not living a happy life.  And I doubt you are right now.  But I wouldn't know because I haven't really been able to talk to you because he's been watching you.  He probably will even read this if you don't delete it because he's probably watching your account.

I love you, Jess, and I will always be your friend if you want me to be, but don't lie to yourself.  You'll just keep hurting yourself.

[attorneymama]

Dec. 8, 2009 at 6:47 PM

We've always been available for you, and we always will be. The question really has been, and will be, will you let yourself, and will you be allowed to get close again? What if we voice our thoughts about the diagnosis you've been given? What if we give you the support you need to actually do what you need to do to make this life a happy one? None of your true friends are going to sit by and say nothing when we know something needs to be said.

((hugs)) There is no reason for you to lack closeness with people who love you.

[genxmomma]

Dec. 9, 2009 at 9:33 AM

I love you and miss you so much Jess, and I worry about you all the time.  But I am afraid to write the wrong thing and end up getting you in trouble with him.  I do wish there were more I could do to help you when you need it most because you have certainly been there for me when I needed it.  But the last thing I would want to do would be to make your life even more difficult because he didn't like something I did or said.  Big hugs for you and Gabby!  Miss you both like crazy!

[suzyberenguer]

Dec. 9, 2009 at 6:43 PM

Jess... (and Lexxxi) you have always been in and will ALWAYS be in my heart. ALWAYS.