Once and always~I was a birthmother

[RachelleNH]

I met my high school sweetheart when I was 17. He was the one your parents warned you about! A dropout, from an abusive family and homeless at the time. We met through my best friend at a concert..Our eyes met and it was love at first sight. We connected immediately-and actually-we had a lot in common-From music tastes, to a cynical outlook and sense of humor to problems at home-My dad was also an alcohololic and quite abusive at the end stages of his life-he wasn't always that way though...I once had a normal life-and a happy family.

My family tried to force us apart-I remember my dad saying "any man who can't stand up isn't a man" and I did nothing but rebel. At 18-I ran away with him. We had no money or future at the time..and certainly no plans. We got jobs at a local hotel and they gave us an apartment in exchange for services-I cleaned and he did maintenance. Things were okay-for awhile. And then the troubles came...he wanted to party and have all kinds of people that I didn't care for in our place...then suddenly-I turn up pregnant. He denies that he's the father..says I cheated...and leaves. I don't know what to do or who to talk to. Scared and too embarassed to go home, I ran away for Georgia--hoping for a fresh start. The salvation army took me in, counseled me a litte, and finally they talked me into going home with my family. At first I was totally against it-they hated the guy...they would only laugh and say "I told you so" and worse I was beginning to agree with them. Torn between worlds, I still felt like I loved him.

I had the baby and raised it on my own...3 years went by, not knowing where he was or even caring. I'd moved on...And then my sister goes and hangs out with a good old friend of mine, and guess who's there? Yup...and so she gets us back in touch...I meet him at this lousy bar, not knowing what to expect...and he gets on his knees, begging for forgiveness-telling me that our best friend claims to have been with me..and that he was the father. What a joke! I hated Jaime..he was this egotistical jerk who'd come over and talk about all the girls he'd been with. So we make up...at the time, I was doing well. I'd made a life for myself..My own little apartment, a good job...but I was lonely and he reeled me right in. One particular night, he shows up with bags packed...he tells me he's got nowhere else to go..My heart leaps-of  course I'm delighted. He moves in. Things are going too well...until..guess what?! I'm pregnant...AGAIN?! How did that happen!? I wasn't sure what to do...It's christmas time...We were at a christmas party with his family (believe it or not!) and I started gushing blood..they take me to the hospital. The dr. says the baby probably won't make it..I'll miscarry within the week. Uh-huh..never happened. I bled like that the entire pregnancy. Which brings me to the list of problems that occured leading the next course of events and decisions I had to make for my kids.  I lost my job-the dr. says I can't work-I need bedrest...things started falling apart rapidly after that. He got cut back at work and wasn't making much at all..we got an eviction notice. On the streets, with my daughter in the cold (I'll never forget that winter it was 30 degrees here in FL) I wasn't sure what I was going to do, I knew I just couldn't support these kids on my own. I already had one and was struggling. I was also planning to get rid of Brian-permanently...I was so mad at him...I blamed him for everything. Maybe it was my fault..but I felt like he should be taking responsibility too! So I considered abortion...I went into an abortion clinic. They explained the process..I'm sitting there waiting...there were all these young girls in there...all pregnant and there on their lunch hours. This was totally horrendous to me. I got up and left. Driving, I went 2 miles away and saw this adoption agency. How wierd, right in the rich side of town...I went in. I met this woman who I felt like I'd known my entire life. I decided what I was going to do-I was going to be a birthmother.  We looked through all these scrapbooks that the couples had prepared...not thinking I'd find anyone-I was shocked at all the wonderful families just waiting..there were So many! None really grabbed me and said "Hey! Pick me!" until I saw a couple that reminded me of me and Brian...all the same interests. Fishing, nature, gardening, the ocean...they had a stable home, a few dogs, a bit of land and a boat. She couldn't have kids, a hysterectomy had stopped that long ago. I asked to meet them. A week later, we met and I felt like they were the ones. I took a week to consider and came to the decision. I picked them. They went to every doctor's visit I had..and we emailed all the time. The time came and I invited them to the labor and delivery. Marci held my hand through every second-which lasted a whole 8 hours! It was a boy-completely healthy and 8 lbs. 21 inches long. I didn't want to hold him, I was in shock or something. I felt like if I did-I'd change my mind..I desperately wanted to keep him...but I knew this would be a rough road for all of us. I did what I felt was right. They roomed in the hospital (just like she'd had him herself-he stayed in the room with them until discharge) I recovered almost immediately-in fact I got cussed out by a nurse for taking myself to the bathroom ten minutes after birth. I was feeling myself again! It hadn't kicked in until a week later...and my milk came in..I curled up into a ball and bawled for days. I was really depressed. Part of the adoption process includes counseling. I had a journal...I wrote every thought that came to mind in it. It's now with my scrapbooks.

I had a child to care for that needed my attention. My daughter helped me through it and didn't even know it! My life returned to normal in several weeks. I was told I'd really done well through everything. I'm kind of a tough girl...life has taught me how to make lemons out of lemonade.

Mine was a semi-open adoption, which means that I get yearly letters and pictures-sometimes entire scrapbooks!  and he actually has the name I chose at birth! :) He knows he's adopted.

8, almost 9 years have gone by..and there have been times that I feel like I made a huge mistake...I feel the sense of loss. What keeps me going is knowing that one day-we'll have a chance to meet and I'll be able to tell him myself about his brother and sisterk show him all the poems and journals and thoughts of him, and share all of these feelings I've bottled up over the  years..and maybe  we can exchange stories and laugh..at least I hope!

Today, I feel like I did the right thing, even if it killed me inside. I'm glad that I didn't choose to abort, I could've never lived with the reality that that was a child that would never be-and the regret and anguish one friend of mine who did abort goes through every year. I'm proud of him-he's a smart, good looking kid..and you'd never know he's adopted. His parents look like just that-his parents! And I will always be here waiting. I've come far since that blurry day so many years ago. I've gotten away from their dad (my kids were all from the same dad) and I graduated with honors with my AA in business. I have kept a stable job now for the entire 8 years and have no regrets...only hope!

[mouse1085]

Dec. 12, 2009 at 4:02 PM

that's one wild, wonderful story! You certainly had your share of rough times, you should be proud of yourself, you did what was best for your baby to be and your daughter.  He'll respect you for that and your daughter will come to realize the sacrifice you made to make sure she had a good future.  Great job mom!!

[Kellyjude1]

Dec. 12, 2009 at 5:53 PM

  Such an emotional and heartfelt journal.  I am blessed by adoption.  My son's birth mom is still a part of our lives and we are so grateful for that!  She is truly our angel. Choosing life is so precious.  We were also told our son looks just like us, it is amazing.  For us this was a miracle and our prayers were answered.  I am sure your son will know of the love you carry in your heart always for him.  Keeping those journals and poems will mean so much to your son.  God Bless