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My adopted daughter having issues......
- Dec 14, 2009 at 10:37 AM
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- Comments (7) Total Views (401) Everyone can see this journal post.
For my friends who dont know, I gave a daughter up for adoption when she was 5 months old, and we have been talking via internet for 2 and a half years now, not reunited yet because there is 1100 miles between us. She is now almost 21 and has a daughter 5 months old - the age she was when I relinquished her.
This below is a post I put on my myspace page this morning because we share interaction there, which is easier to copy and paste than to rewrite:
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Current mood:  happyCategory: Life (Je déteste le fait que ma mère est une femme si égocentrique et je ne sais pas pourquoi j'essaie même d'être ami avec elle. Je vais renoncer, parce que peu importe qu'elle ne m'acceptera pas pour qui je suis. Je ne suis pas désolée que je sois la personne que vous détesteriez le plus., parce qu'il peut avoir été pour le meilleur pour vous!
translation to english: I hate the Fact that my mother is a so egocentric woman and I do not know why I try even to be friend with her. I will renounce, because little imports that she will not accept me for that I am. I am not grieved that I be the person that you would hate the more., because it can have been for the better one for you! Thats what Jenny posted as her status on facebook. She doesnt know I had already deleted her from my facebook way before she posted it so she could have put it in English lol but since I left her a comment yesterday before I did -it emailed me that she commented after me so I had to go look and that up there is what I found. Jenny doesnt get it. I've been having an issue with her accepting 3 and 4 yr old Jimmy and Abbey as her brother and sister, she refuses to accept them. She wont picture comment them, she wont even talk about them, she even purposely puts status comments on her adopted brother and sister pictures who are 7 and 17 "Chandler my youngest brother and Isabella my youngest sister", I think that is to "make it clear" that she doesnt acknowledge Jimmy and Abbey. Up until now I have let it go..... I as a mother to Jimmy and Abbey, will not be seperated from my family. I was talking to Jenny a few days ago on yahoo messenger and she went off on me again. I was expecting it at some point as she has done in the past. she was doing so well, for about 6 months now, not the vulgar child she had been to me before, with name calling and such, but actually nice, and actually talked to me. I kept my guard up because even though she is a mother now and knows a mothers love first hand, I have been hurt by her too many times. On yahoo messenger I told her how I had just filled out a card to send to MY dad in Arkansas and I put updated pictures of his grandbabies :O) in the card. She said "YUMI?" and I flipped out, I said, NO - jimmy and abbey are MY children and they are his grandchildren! I told her once and for all I had to let her know that I am a package deal, I have two babies, one on the way and a husband and just as I would not expect her to push her family aside so she and I can have a relationship, I will not put mine away for her. Its me and my kids and husband, or not at all. Well I guess she made her choice very clear. She posts updates like above, by saying she renounces me - and that getting to know her would have been my benefit but now is my loss. And what does "egocentric" have to do with accepting her flesh and blood? She is a very confused woman, with issues that needs to look up the definition of words before she used them. She says I will not "accept her for who she is" <---if that means not including my son and daughter and husband, then no- I cannot accept her in that form, I will not push my family aside. There is no debating this issue. She says she isnt "speaking" to me because of this, well, that is her choice, even though I believe it to be a very immature choice, or even a hormonal spurt of the day, but I have to make it clear, no matter what is said and done that I will still talk to her because mature people can have differences and still talk, but I will not renounce my loved ones for her and everything that has happened to this point clearly states between the lines that - that is exactly how she feels and is expecting of me. Sorry Charlie, aint gonna happen! |
Comments:
Thanks meriana for your input. I certainly did not want to throw out there that she is "jealous" because I thought that would make me look ready to pounce on her. That is exactly what I thought though, and cannot ever say to her because it would only enrage her more. I bought her a plane ticket last year to fly here to see me, at her request- and when I followed through I think it shocked her and she backed out 10 days before the flight and went off on me in a mad way, wasting the $253 roundtrip plane ticket purchased for her in her posession.
This year she asked me to meet her for Christmas, which means I would have to drive 5 hours to where she will be "visiting" other family on her adopted side, which is very awkward for me, and I simply cannot even buy my kids christmas this year (read previous journal posts to attest this) and let alone gas money to get there and back, with two children and cannot afford a hotel stay, I am 6 months preggies, cant stay in a car that long (10+ hours) and she is bitter because I cannot make it with those reasons.
Im beside myself what to do here, I told her once not to mistake my unconditional love for her, as a "need" for her --one time awhile back when she had been very vulgar and verbally abusive to me. I severed the tie and three months later she imed me all apologetic and things were great again for awhile. Its been 2 and a half years since we started talking and I know it will take a lifetime to mend, but these outbursts also reflect on who she is as an individual not just an adoptee.
makes me wonder how she would treat jim and abbey if we WERE to gain a relationship other than internet...........
You could be right in that there are other issues at play here. From the sounds of it, she could use some counseling or at least a good adoptees rights group to help work through her feelings, etc. It does make one wonder if she is like this to her adoptive family.....perhaps some day you'll be able to speak with her adoptive mom and get some background regarding her. In the meantime, take care of yourself and your family. Be there for her when she is able to work on a good relationship (I know you will be). There are just some things she is going to have to work through and until she can, she won't be happy but there's no reason to allow her to make you miserable.
Hmmmm, I don't really have much in the form of advice to give, Sharey. This is WAY beyond anything I've ever dealth with. It appears she definitely has issues and from what I gather, you've done no wrong. I certainly understand the dilemma from your side and it appears she's not being very understanding. I'd just give it time. Leave the door open for her, but don't let her upset you too much. I do hope for the both of your sakes, that she matures and understands that what you did for her long ago, was very unselfish on your part and that although you'd love to have her a part of your life now, that you are currently a mom to 2 other children that you love just as much and shouldn't have to choose. Best wishes!
It could be that in the back of her mind she wonders why you kept your other children but not her. I found my BM 8yrs ago and this was an issue I had to deal with (she had a daughter older than me) I did about 6 mos of therapy to resolve this issue. Hope this helps.
Thank you, Marie, it does make sense why you would have issues, I would too in those circumstances! I read on the "birthmoms" group I beling to- how some mom are debating giving up the one they are carrying and they have kids at home and it still confuses me.
I was 18, homeless, no money, no family,and hopeless for a future for Jenny and we have been through all the details of how and why.
I waited 16 years after she was born to have another child, not thinking I was going to have anymore because of the pain of the adoption and loss, but it happened that I found the man I never thought existed, and now Im 39 still having children, because I put my life on hold after her.
I hope that through therapy, Marie, that you were able to cope, I know how punch-in-the-gut feelings adoptions can bring on. I wish it on no one.
Etexmom,
Youre so right, giving it time. Thats all I can do. I waited 18 years to contact her, I knew where she was the whole time, but didnt want to interfere with her upbringing, especially in her teenage years.
Her adoptive mom called me every few months until she was 2 and the details and loneliness ate at me so I severed the tie one time when I moved and didnt forward my info so there was no phone calls, and I waited until she was 18 to contact them again.
She had a very abusive childhood. Her adoptive parents divorced when she was 6. She went to live with her dad for one year until her mom yanked her back home. She was torn between the two, which the dad treated her better. Her a-mom smoked pot (Ive never been a drug user so this pisses me off) smoked pot in front of her, used to hit her alot, and changed after the divorce like Jenny was a "burden" and she was no longer the loving mom she used to be.
Jenny went overseas alot with her parents, she was spoiled a bit, going to Japan and London to museums and learning japaneese, she was spoiled in my opinoin from the things she 's told me.
I can never be that person to/for her. she knows that. We have talked in detail about how things are, and how things can be.
I can only be patient and wait (time) until she matures enough to be the person that "clicks" with the way our relationship was meant to be.
I post journals like this when she has hurt me, or Im confused and dont know what to think, so the suttle support of "YOUVE DONE NOTHING WRONG" and "JUST GIVE IT TIME" is exactly the kind of things in HONESTY that I need to hear to keep my thoughts clear. Thank you.
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Adoptees, when they find their bio families often, not always, are subject to a flood of emotions. Often they have kept their feelings hidden for years or didn't even realize they had certain feelings until that time. Then it tends to erupt, kind of like a volcano, into a torrent of hurt, uncertainity, insecurity, etc....it's a bit like being born all over again for them. It's a period of slow but usually great growth because they eventually come to a better understanding of themselves and what makes them tick. Sometimes, also, a bit of jealousy can raise it's head towards the siblings that were kept and they sometimes feel they need to fight for a legitmate position in the family. They don't know where/how they fit in or if they even do and that can cause them to become quite possessive. She sounds very emotional and confused....give it time and space...hopefully she'll come around someday when she has worked through her own feelings and is able to find balance.
- meriana
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