Relationship Counseling: Pt 0 - At the starting gate

[MunchiesMom324]

This is written, in part, to AverageJosey1... as she has inspired me to work on my relationship with DF. 

He chased me for 6 months before I gave him my number, and it was 6 months after that before I went on a date with him.  The first few months were bliss... I couldnt remember being happier.  We were engaged 2 months after we became "exclusive", found out we were pregnant 2 weeks after becoming engaged.  He treated my son (who was 3 1/2 when we started dating) like his own child, and I felt blessed for finding a man (still, so young! He had just turned 21) willing to be so grown up, wanting to be my son's father figure and wanting to be with me for life.  He didn't see the girl who got caught up with the "wrong kind of guy" at the tender age of 16, he didnt care that I was technically still married to the drug addict and that the divorce was going to take FOREVER to get finalized... he just wanted to be with me, with us. 

Well, that first pregnancy was a tubal, we spent our first valentine's day together at the hospital having my tube removed... but we found out we were pregnant just a few  months later!  Yes, we had our share of problems... at first, when DS1 was in K4 and got kicked out for his behavior... got kicked out of several day cares too... and the house we were living in was forclosed on... so we had to go live with his mother.  This was no problem, we were still very happy, very much in love. When DS2 was 6 weeks old, we found a place of our own.

Somewhere, some how... this is about the time things starting going wrong... this was in March of 2008.  We had been together for almost 1 1/2 years... we had a nice little single-wide that was rent-free (we had to do house and yard work for the landlord next door in place of rent)... everything looked great from the outside.  Things were brewing under the surface of our relationship though... For some reason I felt disconnected from him, he felt disconnected from me... we had our first "blow up" at each other (over a pizza cutter, of all things) when we first moved in. 

Since then, things have been... blah.  We had DS3 in April of this year, there have been a few job changes and moves... We should be happy.  We have a wonderful little family, we have a live-in babysitter... we might be living paycheck to paycheck, but nobody lacks anything.  Why aren't we happy?  We aren't unhappy but we just co-exist.  We might snap at each other in passing sometimes, others, we are loving... but I know that I don't look forward to spending a whole lot of time with him, and I know the feeling is mutual.  Where did we go wrong to go from absolutely inseperable to barely more than housemates?  He is no longer my best friend... I wish he were.  Do you know what our typical day is?

I wake up, get ready for work (or get Alex ready for school, depending on the day) - once I'm gone, he gets up and gets ready for work.  I get home in the afternoon, I clean house and take care of the kids and cook dinner.  He comes home, doesnt touch dinner... I ask him how work was and his response is "it was work".  Besides that, the only other conversation we have is about who is getting which child ready for bed and tucked in, and then an "I love you" (not too heartfelt either, just the standard ritualistic type) when I go to bed (a good hour before he does.

There may be small variances in our day-to-day routine, but this is pretty much the typical day.

After reading a few of AverageJosey1's journal posts about her mission to "re-vamp" her relationship with her DH, I have decided to do the same. 

I have been putting off our counseling sessions... I could give you the reasons, but the truth is, they are nothing but excuses.   I am going to txt DF on my lunch break and see if we can go somewhere just once a week to talk.  Somewhere where we won't be interrupted by "Mommy, I need water" or "Can I have ***" or whatever.  I would do this when kids are in bed, but honestly, when the last one fades off to sleep, I am so exhausted I can't think straight...

So maybe we can go get coffee once a week to "reconnect".  I hope this works, keep us in your thoughts and prayers.  I will do a journal each week, detailing each "session" and the results.

[busyworkingmom]

Dec. 15, 2009 at 1:06 PM

I have went thru the same problem, Communication is the biggest part of a relationship!  My husband and I had gotten into a fight I finally just blew up on him asking him if he was just trying to piss me off or what and he said yeah what ya going to do about it, I said you can pack your bags and leave. he did then he called the next day asking what i want to do I said I'm done come get your shit and leave, he came back to argue then left, I went to the store to get new door locks and he calls and tells me hes not leaving. I was pissed, because im tired of fighting. This might be TMI but we would never go to bed at the same time if we did he rolled the other way he didnt want to look at me, I was lucky if I got laid once in 6 months. Yeah well now it has gotten better and I'm thankful for it. My daughter doesnt like it when we kiss or anything, which I think its because she wants me back with her dad. I wish you the best luck hun, and I think that would be a great thing for the 2 of you is you need time together.

[AverageJosey1]

Dec. 15, 2009 at 3:51 PM

Hi there~glad to see you're starting!  It's not easy, but it's worth it.  Thanks for the compliments ~ I'm not sure anyone has ever "dedicated" anything like this to me...lol.  Be true to yourself, even when it's hard, and the rest should start unfolding.  Good luck!