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RIP Dad
Dec 16, 2009 at 4:28 PM
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- WestBamaMommy
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I spent the night Sunday night at the hospital with my dad. During the night I talked to the nurse and just said look...tell us the fucking truth..what is going on with my dad. She told me they had to drain his stomach because he was throwing up alot and they found old medicine they had given him and they said it wasnt digesting any of the liquid food they were giving im so they pulled the feeding tube out of him. She told me that his kidneys were also starting to shut down which basically meant that he was laying there slowly shutting down. I called my brother early Monday morning after talking to the doctor who agreed that he was just laying there slowly dying and with his organs as far gone as they were there wasnt anything else to do but to make him comfortable. So we talked and agreed to go ahead and take the ventilator out and let him go on his own, alot quicker. We called family and friends and everyone arrived around 12. They pumped him full of morphine to make sure he was at ease. I lost it when I knew they were getting ready to take it out. I have never been so sad in my life. No matter what me and him have been thru, how Ive shit on him, how hes shit on me..it didnt matter...he was my dad and I knew he was about to die. It crushed me. They take it out and for 12 hours he lived. His BP and heart rate had stayed really steady all day so I figured we had till the next day so I went ahead and took the boys home so they could get some sleep and was planning to be back up there in a few hours. Well, as soon as I get home I get the call. I head back up and he had left by that time. Everyone left the room while I sat there to give me some time. I kneeled by his bed and cried and held his hand. I dont know how long I sat there but it just wasnt enough time. Cliff came in and sat with me for a while and promised dad he would take care of me. The nurse came in and said I could have alittle longer with him but they needed to get him moved. I just grabbed onto him and hugged him and started kissing his cold head. I kept expecting him to breath but he wouldnt. I have never seen anything so still in my life. His preacher came in and talked to me and calmed me down. I gathered my things and took that very very long walk down the hall. We had to talk to someone before he left about this veterns benefits. After everyone had left, I sat in the chair in the emergency room that he had sat in alittle over three weeks ago and I lost it again. I cried and cried. Luckily no one was in there to see me make a fool out of myself.

Yesterday started planning his funeral which has been a nightmare. I got my dress today and now all that is really left is to order flowers and talk to the pastors that will be doing it. Tomorrow I think I will just take a day and lay around and be miserable. The days are going so slow. Which Im kinda thankful for because knowing that come Saturday afternoon Ill never lay eyes on him again kills me. Not sure how Im gonna handle it. The kids are holding up well. Tyler has been hugging me anytime I break down and cry which has been very sweet. Jordan is pretty emotionless over it right now. I think it might hit him later.

Im not sure how to handle all this. Ill probably be putting alot of my feelings on here since it helps me get it out so be prepared to wallow in my self pity with me or just dont read em. Its not about who reads this stuff to me, its about getting my free self therapy sometimes. This will be one of those times.

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