i'm running a little bit late................

[peaceandlove628]

Warning:  this is very long and more for my own benefit than for anyone else :)

We had my IUD removed in August (so August probably doesn't "count" as a month of trying), and my period that month came on CD 34.  I feel like once I had a full cycle without the IUD my body sort of regulated and this is how it went:  September - CD 29 I began spotting, then had nothing, then began my period a couple days later.  October - CD 29 my period began and only lasted a couple days.  November - CD 28 my period began, it was pretty light but lasted several days.  

Now it's December and I am on CD 31 and have NADA!   Not a drop!  Of course I'm getting excited and anxious, especially because of the BFN I got this morning with FMU.  I am only about 15-16 DPO (if I even know exactly when I ovulated, which I don't).  So a BFN could not necessarily mean no baby!  I am hoping so hard that I'm pregnant!

I don't feel pregnant.... my boobs are sore, my back is a bit sore, and I've been having some cramps, so it's pretty much normal period symptoms (but usually what I get during my period, not leading up to it).  I'm so excited!!  I don't want to be excited because that will probably just make me more disappointed when I get AF, but who cares?!  It's fun........... :-)

The greatest thing about this is I am seeing how excited David actually is.  Every month when I've gotten AF, the days leading up to it we've both talked a bit about "what if I'm pregnant right now?"  Then I'd wake up one morning and feel very disappointed to see my little "friend."  I would crawl back in bed and stare at David until he'd wake up or say something to me.   Then I would just say "I got it."  He told me not to worry, and he was sorry and stuff.  Anyway, yesterday I got up and made coffee, then crawled back into bed, and he got right up (he knew I was already Late) and said, how are you?  I told him "pretty good."  He asked me if I got my period?  I told him No.... I was just "pretty good" and not "great" because I ate too many cookies and felt sick!!  The look on his face was amazing... he looked SO happy!!  Now I know how much he wants me to be pregnant, and that before he was just trying not to get his hopes up. 

Christmas Eve is my favorite day of the entire year, hands down, absolutely no question.  I have enough Christmas Spirit for 10 people.  Here's what I love about Christmas (I hope I can replicate my excitement into words): 

When you wake up one morning before Christmas and it had snowed all night and everythign is covered with a soft, white blanket and everything is so quiet and still.  Every branch of every tree is heavy, and covers the roads like a whipped cream roof; 

When children wear red velvet Santa suits; 

heading up in the attic to take my two large totes and my many small containers of decorations down, and spending literally hours putting each special ornament on the tree, looking at every old Christmas card, putting up my sign with two snowmen on it that says 'love keeps us warm'... love does keep us warm, and even putting my little christmas hand towels in the bathroom.  Then turning off all the lights and looking at the tree.  It's always so beautiful; 

Listening to Christmas music on the way to work, while cooking, while cleaning, while doing any otherwise mundane tasks that now become festive and happy and fun;

Staying inside to watch Christmas movies and drink hot spiced wine under a fuzzy blanket with the love of my life beside me, while outside it's bitter cold, but inside there is a soft glow to everything;

Choosing gifts to give to the people that I love, hoping that the meaningless object I am giving them can somehow convey the message to them that they mean so much to me, and my life wouldn't be the same without them; 

On Christmas Eve when all the preparations are completed, snuggling up with my husband and watching my all-time favorite movie, "It's a Wonderful Life" and remembering that life is a gift, and if you have people around you that love you, you are very very rich.... which I do.... and I always cry because I know I am so lucky, so "blessed", and life is good; 

Wakikng up Christmas morning and remembering all the Christmases of  the years that have passed.... me and my brothers all waking up somehow simultaneously, none of us having seen the tree with the presents under it or the tinsel on it, not even if we needed to get up for a drink, because seeing it would ruin the magic my mom made for us.  Waking our mom up and waiting for her to brush her teeth which seemed like it took an hour, and make her coffee, and coming back upstairs to get us, and going downstairs all at once, so we would each see the tree at the exact same moment (even when we were teenagers!), the look on my mom's face when she saw our face's... I don't think it even mattered what was in those beautifully wrapped boxes... it was just that moment.... that moment when we all felt that there was still a bit of magic left in this world;

Now, being older, the presents are mostly wrapped by me so there is not as much surprise, but seeing my brothers and my parents and step-parents and in-laws, all dressed cozily on Christmas morning, eating and drinking and laughing together without a care in the world besides just being with each other...  and all is right in the world for that one day....

That's why I love Christmas... and if it weren't for my mom I know I wouldn't have any of these amazing memories or this sort of love for the wonderful day.  It's not just a holiday for me, it's a time of year when you are allowed to become lighter, happier, kinder.  One day I will try to teach this to my own kids, and I hope that Christmas means this much to them.....

I definitely went a little overboard in detail with my love for Christmas... but now when I say that finding out I am pregnant for Christmas would be without a doubt the most magical thing I can imagine.  <3  Come on, sweet little baby, grow, grow, grow.  And if somehow I do find out I am pregnant on Christmas Eve.... I will believe in miracles. 

[reddforsyth]

Dec. 20, 2009 at 9:45 AM

Fantastic blog, dear! I wish you both the very best in trying for a little one. I, too, love all things Christmassy and snowy! I am thinking about getting the IUD after our daughter is born so any advice would be lovely to have. Take care and Merry Christmas season!

[Dannys1Luv]

Dec. 20, 2009 at 10:47 PM

I so hope you get your Christmas wish. I had my tubal ligation reversed in April and am currently 5 months preggo. The joy we are feeling this Holiday Season is unreal. I pray that you are blessed this cycle with the joy that you so desire. Good Luck!!!