Dads Visitation and Funeral

[WestBamaMommy]

Dads visitation and funeral We had Dads visitation Friday night from 6-8 pm. Im not exactly sure what I was expecting but it exceeded anything I could have imagined. The whole night there was a line all the way out the door to view him. There was people everywhere. I was wearing 6 inch heels, so I left the line that the immediate family was standing in thanking everyone for coming, and took off my shoes. I tried my hardest not to cry because I felt like we were on display but sometimes it just came out. I seen alot of old friends and family I hadnt seen in years. So many people sent such pretty flowers it was incredible to see. Much to my surprise the evil bitch who gave birth to me didnt show up. I had like 4 calls that afternoon with people saying she would probably be there to show her ass. Luckily, she had a hint of decency and didnt do that. Saturday morning we got up and went and got the boys hair cut to make it look really good. It was a pretty eerie feeling all day, I hated it. We got to the church around 12:30 and they brought his body in. Me and the boys went up to him and just stared at him. I kissed him on the forehead and said my final goodbye. It was hell knowing I would never lay eyes on him again. People starting coming in and hugging us, telling us how sorry they were and how good of a man he was. I didnt know it but he hardly charged anyone the right price. He always well undercharged or even did the work for free. Apparently he did alot of good for the community and the kids never even knew it! We had the service, which was beautiful. I cried the whole time. They closed the casket and it hit me....I will never see my own dad again. I just leaned over onto Cliffs shoulder and cried. They had us follow the casket out of the building and we got into our cars and followed the hearse. You couldnt even see the end of the line of cars. It was incredible. We finally get to the graveyard and they sit us down and they take the flag off his casket and fold it up and presented it to me with a speech. I cant even remember what they said. It was almost an out of body experience. So finally they prayed and we walked out to the church while they prepared to lower him down. That was it...I am now fatherless. I will never see him or hear his voice again. A voice that I dreaded to hear so much because he always fussed at me. But I would give anything to hear him bitch at me again. I have always wondered if he loved me. He had never said he did, he never touched me, never hugged me. His ex girlfriend that he dated for like three years came over to me and just said you know your father loved you right? I said, Im not so sure. She sat down next to me, hugged me and told me about a conversation she had, had with him and he said he did love us, and he regretted not ever telling us. It meant the world to me. We promised to keep in touch because we kinda bonded at that moment. It was exactly what I needed to hear and had wanted to hear all my life. I just hate more than anything it came from someone else after he was gone and not from him. But at least I know it now. My heart is still broken. I am still crying all the time. I have a ton of plants in my house from the ones they didnt put on his grave. Hell, I even have two palm trees! Im not exactly sure what to do with all of them. Today returned to a normal day. Had to do grocery shopping since that hasnt been done in like a month. Its a very weird feeling. Theres this sadness but life HAS to go on. Im not sure what to do. I feel very empty and hollow inside. I have two incredibly wonderful amazing children trying to keep me entertained and happy..but all I want right now is to see my daddy and say a million Im sorry's for everything I had done wrong to him.

[sweetlovecocoa]

Dec. 22, 2009 at 2:55 PM

I'm so sorry for your loss