My single motherhood

[lmsar]

 I've always thought I knew what I wanted and what was best for me. To look back on the places I've been, the things I've done, the men I've dated and the one I regretfully married I realize I may not be the best judge of what's best. I still have wants that do not get met anymore because I know now they may not be worth the trouble I used to put myself through. I've done my best to please everyone I know, in turn becoming lonely and depressed. It's my time to be happy and finally put myself, I'd say first but really I'm putting myself second. My son is number one and deserves to be. His needs are met way beyond my own. There is one thing I miss from the way I lived my life before my son and that is the intimacy I shared with the not-so-good men. I miss being held, hugged, kisses, and caressed. I miss being told I'm beautiful, sexy, the only one. No matter how true it was. Things are so different now that I'm a separated mother to a special needs son. First off my son always comes first, then I think about my body image. Before I got pregnant I had a poor body image. Now after a child, having Poly Cystic Ovarian Syndrome, and a cheating husband I feel like a hideous troll that needs to be living under a bridge. Every now and then I find the confidence to not give a crap what people think of me and pounce on the first willing participant. Liquid courage some call it but I'll call it binge drinking. I drink to get drunk because there are only a few times a year it is an option for me. I always regret it the next day but it was fun while I was drunk. I'm so afraid to allow another soul to really know who I am because I've been hurt so many times before. The only people I trust are those whom have already hurt me a time or two, which I know makes no sense at all. It would be so easy to run back to someone I was once comfortable with that already knows me inside and out. But then I'm reminded why it didn't work out the first time and now my child is involved. Since he is my child and he was traumatically injured I don't trust anyone with him and constantly feel judged for the things I do or the way I raise him. So to introduce anyone new into my life seems impossible because everyone wants to "help" me but he's my son, my responsibility and no one can do things for my son the way I do except maybe my mother. My life revolves completely around my son and how he's feeling that day, like right now it's 6:52 am and he's wide awake, fussing in his crib. I've tried talking to him, playing his lullabies, ignoring him, sometimes I have to give up and just go to sleep while he's up "playing" in his crib. We'll probably sleep until 4pm. What's a mother to do?! I feel like no one else in the whole wide world knows what I'm going through. I'm all alone in the reality of single motherhood. I'm as happy as I can be in my current situation but I wonder is anyone ever really completely content, satisfied? I love being my son's mommy, I just wish I could do more for him and still find time to find someone to love us both and accept our life the way it has to be. But this is no fairy tale, I have to wake now from my dream... 

[MSugarKane]

Dec. 27, 2009 at 8:42 AM

hugs!

[Lb128f]

Dec. 28, 2009 at 1:18 PM

I'm sorry you are feeling this way. It is important to put yourself 1st! That doesn't mean you don't love and care for your son....it just means that you will be a better Mom for him. If you feel good about yourself and have your life in order -- everything will be better for you and for him. I think choosing to be a single Mom over a life with someone who doesn't treat you well is a great choice! You've learned from prior mistakes that you are better off without people in your life who can make you feel good for the "moment" but, not overall....that's a great accomplishment that many never realize (or act on). So...enjoy this time you have with your son....go out when you can (learning to live and have fun without alcohol would be good too -- because it could become a habit)...seek out people who can add to your life -- not people who drain you of self worth or confidence. If you are feeling depressed seek out help in understanding why you are feeling this way. Counseling can make a huge difference in how you are feeling and in how you perceive life (in general).  And...try not to ever feel like wanting "ALL" the good things in life is a dream, it's not...it CAN happen! Good Luck!!