Missing my dad

[AntelopeMom]

Brief intro first:

So this is a picture of my dad and my daughter Ana, it was taken in 2008. My dad was diagnosed on November 7, 2009 with colon-rectal cancer. After an catscan it was discovered that the cancer had spread to various other parts of his body. His doctor told us that even with chemotherapy my dad only had 5-6 months left. I brought my dad home on Hospice care on November 21, 2009 and he passed away November 26, 2009, Thanksgiving morning.

My life today:

So it's been one month since dad died and I hurt so bad. I'm mad because I never even had a chance to wrap my brain around the fact that he had cancer and was dying before he did die. I was with him when he passed away and he went peacefully in his sleep, but that doesn't make it any easier for me. I lost my mom in 2000 to lung cancer. She was diagnosed in 1997 and given about a year to live and she survived for 3 years. My dad lived for three weeks after beign diagnosed. I feel like my heart has been ripped out of my body.

I know I need and have to be strong for my kids. They are the only reason I get out of bed every day. I just miss dad so much. I feel like there is a hole in my heart that may never heal.

Will this pain ever lessen? I am 36 years old and feel like a child. I try to stay busy because if I don't, I think of dad and start to cry. I replay the moment that he took his last breath over and over in my mind, as if I could have done something different at that moment and he would still be here.

Am I crazy? Or do I just feel like I am.

[princess1973]

Dec. 27, 2009 at 8:30 AM

No, you are not crazy.  You are going through the grieving process, which is very hard.  I'm sorry that you didnt have time to adjust to what was happening with your dad, sadly it doesnt make it any easier.  You will have very bad days, and you will have days that are tolerable.  I'm sorry that you are going through this, there is never an easy age, an easy time, or whatever.  Plainly put, its horrible.  Please remember that he isnt suffering, and remember the great memories you and your dad had.  Share your memories with your kids, sometimes that helps, I know it helped me with dealing with my uncles death (who was like my dad).  Again I'm sorry for your loss, but one day you will meet again.  (((HUGS)))

[MSugarKane]

Dec. 27, 2009 at 8:31 AM

The death of a parent takes well over six months or more to grieve properly.  At first you have tons of memories flooding back to you from your childhood.  You get tons of regrets, what you wished you had done differently while he was alive.   Then sadness, and a great part of yourself will feel missing.  You will have so many feelings and memories and emotions that will flood you.  Take each one, and let them fall into place.   Just know the death of a parent is a long process to lay to rest.   Its normal.  And I am guessing since you are so young, not many of your friends have lost parents yet.   This was the hardest on me when my dad died. I was the first one to lose a parent and no one understood me.   I heard things like I should 'just get over it.'   But deep down in my heart I knew that they could not know how I felt and when it became their turn they would know.    Sorry to hear about your dad.  Talking about him gives his life purpose for when he was alive.

 

[AntelopeMom]

Dec. 27, 2009 at 9:34 PM

Thank you to both of you for the kind words. I do have my tolerable moments but then I get hit with sadness. Thank you again.

(Original Poster)