Reflections on a lifetime

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Reflections on a lifetime
Dec 28, 2009 at 9:55 PM
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- Dianne1259
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How can it be possible? How in the world did I miss the passage of my life? It seems that way at this point, sure I have memories, not all wonderful ones, lots of sad ones, some good ones, but wasn't I just a school girl full of dreams yesterday? Now I embark on the second half of a CENTURY of my life!

What do I have to show for it?

Well three wonderful boys for one, not perfect, not without their own troubles and sadnesses but all around, great kids, all blessings from Heavenly Father.

My faith, that somehow, someway, I will get through the days and I do, one day at a time, sometimes one second at a time. But I get through, despite the many many days I vowed I'd not wake up to one more day of unhappiness.

No, I certainly don't have the life I expected I would have, no fairytail ending, no prince charming swept me off my feet and put me in a castle. But now at this age, I have learned to love and allowed myself to be hurt and hopefully grown through the pain of the years, and who knows, maybe learned some lessons? I sure hope so.

No, I NEVER listened to my mom, and I probably never will, not even now! I am stubborn and strong willed. Much to my own detriment. Not always happy, but who is ALWAYS happy anyway? How do we learn to live with disappointment and sadness and become stronger if we don't experience them? I for one have had enough disappointment and sadness to last me the rest of my life. I am sure there will be more in my future, but I VOW to wake up tomorrow and believe that it will be a beginning of a new chapter in my life. Putting the pain of the past behind me and moving on into a new future that I alone am responsible for come what may.

Believe it or not, yes I still do believe in true love, maybe not marriage, but yes to love, true love. Commitment, yes I can do that but I don't honestly expect it from anyone else. Maybe that's the synic in me, maybe that's the hurt of all those failed marriages, but I want to believe that even without a piece of paper I can find someone to share my life and happiness with.

Actually I think I have found someone, maybe not someone to last a lifetime, but I will take all the years of love I can get and choose to be happy while I have him in my life. He may be the silent type, may not say "I love you" or "I care about you", but he sure knows how to SHOW me that he cares about me. and showing it means more than saying it and not showing it! Like the men I married! I am blessed! No he isn't perfect, but neither am I. I wonder all the time why he chose me, and he says the same to me "why choose me, I'm no one special" but to me he is! He came along at a time when I was so alone I didn't think I would ever find someone to laugh with again. I was prepared to be alone, and then there he was! Those blue eyes and that smile that melts my heart. I hate being so far away from him, and maybe we will find a place together, and maybe we won't. But I will enjoy every blissfull second we have to share together. I will cry with him, I will hold him when he faces his deamons, (if he lets me) and while he doesn't know it, I will pray for him.

What does the future hold? Someday my kids will all be grown and out of the house ~ somedays I think it can't happen soon enough! But the nights when it is quiet and they are sleeping and looking like the angels they were before they learned to walk and talk, I will wish they stay the way they are just a little longer. In the meantime, I will work hard to make life a little better for us, school, hopefully someday return to work and make something for us. Hopefully help them find the healing they need so desperately from the deamons that haunt them and threaten to destroy them. Again, I pray.

So tomorrow starts another chapter. I wonder what the future will bring? Maybe it's better not to wonder, just to accept it and walk through it and learn from it and enjoy it.

HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO ME!

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