On the verge of a breakdown and a 180 turn in life

[chelleluvxander]

    So, I am going to see a counselor at the University of Phoenix here in West Des Moines Iowa tonight and I will be starting school shortly, that is the highlight of my day. Today I had to go apply for medical and food stamps... my husband and I are not doing well at all. I am living at his parents house, and he is staying with his grandparents. Basically since I had my almost two year old I have been feeling quite INSANE. My son is 3 now and is flourishing, he will be starting head start soon as well. I have so much going on.

   At the end of August, actually my birthday I was kicked out of my in-laws house  because I couldn't handle their overbearing behavior over my children. The spanking IMO is out of control.... I don't have a problem with people using that method of discipline, but it is not my cup of tea. So for 4 1/2 months I was homeless, living with various family members and then in a hotel for 2 months... until last Monday I apologized to my step mother in law. Now, things are even worse! My husband has been laid off for over a year now, doesn't want a job. I have been working nights and now I am looking for a semi professional day job while I am school (online classes). My car was totaled in October because my husband was pissed off and not paying attention during a storm... he owes about 14g's for that accident... which I was hurt pretty badly and luckily my family was not. I love love love my husband, we are coming up on our 7th year this January.... but how much unhappiness can one take. It's not all to do with money but determination and aspiration to do well in life, not for just us, but to give our children great lives. I am sorry if this is scattered and not making sense, but it will, please bare with me.

   I came from a very poor family, living in shelters, living off the state, my parents were on drugs, and I am ashamed that I need help from our government. I just don't know what to do. I want to stay with him, but when I get my student loans and income taxes, I'm wondering if I should go? I'll have the money and be able to get a nice place for us to live and transportation. I can't imagine life without him, but I am tired of being invisible and ignored, treated like a 'bitch' because I have to tell him what to do because he has no idea what he is doing, whether it being taking care of the kids, cleaning, paying bills, or working (he has gotten fired from 3 really great jobs). I don't even know if I can do it alone because in some instances he is a big help... I am not perfect by any means.

  I have rheumatoid arthritis and horrible back problems... I actually have two surgeries (my gall bladder removal this January, and my back/lumbar surgery this april/may). SO am I staying for convenience and because I am afraid to be alone? If I wanted to leave today, I have nowhere to go, like I said I was without a home and I will never put my children in that situation again.... even prior to that we seperated, living under the same roof, but were seeing other people... that's over and behind us, no hard feelings believe me we have already been to therapy and worked that out. My whole point being, I am 23, very ambitious, I live to make my kids happy, and I live with my complete opposite which I guess is what happens when you get together at 16. When I do receive my financial aid and have means to live on my own, do I stay or do  I go. I don't necessarily want to have a bunch of comments about how wrong he is or I am, I know what is wrong... I want real advice, from people that have been here or that have insight on how this could work or why you think it won't work. We've made it 7 years and have two beautiful children... is that enough? Do I stay until I have my surgeries and finish school, is that selfish? He is just so DARN childish I want to cry... He is a great friend, great man, even a great dad... but the whole relationship he has been a horrible partner/husband... my attraction to him emotionally is so deteriorated we haven't had sex in months.... MONTHS. I have no desire to make love to him, at times I feel an emotional connection but immediately it is driven away buy something dumb, like him wanting to play football on PS3.... Hmmmm.... what to do?!?!???

Please help and thanks for letting me vent.... he isn't all that bad, when you are upset with someone you tend to only list the bad side and not the good so forgive me.

Happy New Year

Rachelle

[Jenneliz]

Dec. 30, 2009 at 3:15 PM

Hi Rachelle-

This might not be the most popular opinion, but I think you should try and stay with him. It sounds like you do love him and no man is perfect. Some people might come on here and say leave him, you can do better blah blah blah. I personally think you sound like a great mom who wants the best for her kids. Just because you need state help right now doesnt mean it'll always be that way.all relationships go through rough spots.

[Nonoluna]

Dec. 30, 2009 at 10:07 PM

I couldn't vote. It sounds like you aren't ready to give up on the relationship and if you do leave, part of you will regret that decision forever. Does this mean that you won't leave him at some point in the future? No...that might still happen.

YOU are working very, Very, VERY hard to improve the lives of everyone in your family. Right now, quite frankly, he isn't. There might be a big reason for that. Unless he's just naturally disinclined to work and unambitious, he may be suffering from depression. You can't force him to go, but I would strongly suggest that you seek counseling together, and just like you are doing, he needs to talk to someone himself. If he won't, then your decision to leave is going to be a whole lot easier.

A relationship is a tremendous amount of work but it needs to be balanced. You started out on a road together but you might start walking different paths as you continue on in your lives. Maybe your purpose of being together was having 2 beautiful children but your futures might be separate.

Hugs and please know that you are in my thoughts!