My New Pregnancy

[ambers3]

I am so desperate for some support. I can barely let out how this pregnancy is going for me cause it has been so hard. This evening I wrote to a fellow cafemom member who had touched me with her information on VBACs and her own birth story. I felt compelled to write her and I ended up spilling it all and letting it out. I thought I would post this letter to show my story. I am 21 weeks and 2 days pregnant today and this last 4 months has been a very big struggle for me. I always thought I was strong, I have done so much. I feel nothing more than a lost, vunerable child today- sad and heartbroken. I feel like I am in a dark room with my round belly no one caring about me just wanting this baby and not his mother. This is what I wrote:

Hi there, I wanted to connect with you when I saw your page here. I am a married 22 year old mom of 3 with one on the way. I have had 3 completely unecessary c sections and I am scarred to a point that I will never get over, but I am talking about the emotional scars.

I live in Washington and I can't find any doctor or midwife that takes my insurance and will allow me to do a VBAC now. I have been researching this subject for over 5 years now since my second pregnancy and I feel so insulted everytime a doctor or nurse tried to tell me that "after you have had more than 2 c sections then your risk of rupture is too high" when I have seen the statistics and the articles from the ACOG with my own eyes! I have read countless books, articles, websites, blogs, handouts... ect. ect., birth stories very very little supports thier reasoning! I was told today by a nurse practitioner that there is a "federal law" that prohibits a vaginal birth after more than one c section. She called me delusional. I knew this wasn't true and called the hospital's head of OB when I got back to my car I was so mad.  They informed me this is thier policy because of a guideline (not law) issued by the ACOG... The same institution that's own research does not back up that very statement.

I just wanted to reach out to you because I have no one who understands where I am coming from my whole family including my husband has said hurtful things, called me names (idiot, stupid, dramatic) and do not support me. My depression was at an all time high when I got pregnant I wanted to abort which is against my beliefs. I thought I would not survive another c section. Not emotionally. i wanted to get an abortion but could not afford one and then it got to be too late. I wanted to jump off the roof. Not because of a new baby I love my babies and want more children. I wanted to harm myself because I didn't want to go through another degrading painful cesection. My husband got me pregnant and deployed to iraq 2 days after I found out. I knew I could not recover from a c section without any help. I just didn't want to. I was ridden with thoughts of suicide. I thought of plans to hurt myself, stopped cleaning my home and started ignoring my children. I became and empty shadow of what I was. I called several crisis lines. I cried everytime my OB would talk to me. He diagnosed me as depressed. I told him that I didn't want another surgery so he suggested putting me on zoloft and gave me some information.  I refuse the zoloft and my whole family is upset with me. I knew why I was depressed and I would rather not harm my baby with more medical interventions.

3 days before Christmas last month I decided I was not mentally sound enough to be alone. I called my mom and some friends to see if anyone would take the kids so I could go to the Army Hospital and get a psych evaluation. I was ready to commit myself if I had to. My mom begged me to drive 100 miles to her house and I did. She didn't want me to ruin the Christmas plans by being in a mental hospital. I stayed with her and the day after Chrismas I came back home. I grabbed my list, feeling refreshed, and started calling doctors again. My second try I found a practice that said they would let me have a VBAC. I was elated. I made an appointment and ordered some books from amazon about birth started looking for a doula and some supportive friends. I got more serious about my exercises and I became happy! I started buying baby stuff and rubbing my belly. I was looking in the mirror at my belly and loving it all day. I was wearing shirts that exposed my belly cause I was proud! I got back to cleaning my house and taking my kids to playdates and living my life again. That week or so was great. I was happy for the first time in 4 months!!

This morning I had my appointment with this promising OB practice and I was doing my intake with the nurse, going over my history, when she started talking about how they do thier C sections. I said I wanted to VBAC, that is when she called me delusional and thus we are now caught up to the moment when I was told there was a "federal law" prohibiting VBACs after more than 1 cesarean. She appologized for the "new" receptionist that lead me to think I could have a VBAC. Sweet. I wasted my time and I started bawling on the spot. 

I got home and I was mad, hurt and MAD. I started again with my list of midwives and OBs... I covered 4 hospitals today with over 15 practices. they all said the same crap. I thought about having an unassisted birth. I would rather die than get cut open again. I know it is extreme but I really cannot do it another time. Now my whole family has abandoned me. They say I am going to risk my baby's life because I was to try to have a natural birth and that it is selfish. They are telling me to just do what the doctors say, they are doctors. "just wait till you try to shove a tree trunk through your crotch, you will be begging for drugs" (yeah, saw that one on my facebook this morning). They are all treating my like the doctors are. Like I am broken. Like I am too risky to do it. There is nothing wrong with me and I know this! 

I have 1 person that supports my right to choose. She supports me doing what I feel is best for my body. She is the only one. Over the last 2 months I have contacted ICAN, 2 chapters in my state in hopes of a minimum of support. No response. I have found a VBAC workshop and it has the wrong number listed, I emailed and I am waiting. I have emailed 3 doulas looking for resources or help and have gotten no response. I have emailed 3 Bradley Choldbirth instructors in my area and got 1 response but she had little to offer but her good luck and best wishes. I have called countless doctors, heads of OB departments, 4 ( I think) hospitals, 2 doulas and a handful of midwives. Still looking for support!

I just need somebody who understands why I have been driven to such extremes. I have had 3 horrible births. I have no support. I am having a hard time holding on to my hope. Thank you for reading this. I am sorry I dumped this all on an email when I am a stranger. I feel pretty desperate.

Thanks

[jennyjlj]

Jan. 6, 2010 at 3:27 AM

Have you tried the hospitals in Seattle, swedish is the big one for things like this.  If not try harbor view that is the big other local one. I have a few friends that i will ask around to about in the area.  I have a friend who had a VBAC with her second so it can be done.  I think the "rule" with VBACS is how long its been since  you had the last c-section. I had a friend whos little ones are less then two years apart and the fear for her was the tearing.  Congrats on the baby!! I'll let you know if i find something out

[foxyladyjoie]

Jan. 6, 2010 at 3:47 AM

my mom had 3 c sections and she said she rather do it that way

 

[jemm]

Jan. 6, 2010 at 4:56 PM

Well I support you. I think VBAC should always be attempted if the mother wants to. And for people to spout off uneducated responses just shows how lazy and uncaring they can be.

One of your best bets (usually) would be to just focus on midwives. What ones have you tried? And have you also tried seeing if Tonya http://www.cafemom.com/home/iamadoula has any suggestions? She's a doula and often has really good references.

I really hope you can find someone willing to assist you. I wish I knew someone offhand who would.

[Daemons_mommy]

Jan. 6, 2010 at 5:34 PM

I don't have any advice for you because I've never faced this. I just wanted to give you HUGS and bump this to the top of the posts with recent comments so maybe someone who has info on this will see it!

[Birthkeeper]

Jan. 16, 2010 at 1:27 PM

Hon, I'm hoping to be able to help you. I am a Midwife in Utah, and I have some contacts for you that may be able to point you in the right direction. I sent you a PM along with my personal email address.