Yesterday and today on the Steve Wilkos show he's had drug addicts on the show. Yesterday it was 2 sisters...1 was 19 and had been using for 4 years...the other was 20 and her own sister had shot her up for the 1st time, and now she was addicted also. Both were addicted to heroin, both were shooting up. Today there was a 16 yr old girl who got involved with a 24 yr. old man and meth...ran away from home, dropped out of school, staying in abandoned buildings with this 24 yr. old, both stories were just heartbreaking. They all had stuff going for them...family, children, school, friends. It just got me thinking...the one 19 yr. old girl was talking about hating the fact that before her eyes even open in the morning she's thinking about where the next high is going to come from. I remember that feeling all to well. If I can't find some way to get it today i'm gonna be sick by noon. It was constantly on my mind...how many bags do I have left? How long is that going to last me? Where am I going to get money from tomorrow? I've gotta remember to hide the bags before Mike gets home. Try not to act high. Try not to get fired for passing out at my desk....trying to run out to the city in my hour lunch break, and be back in time. Sneak in the bathroom during break and snort it off the toilet paper dispenser...all the lies, all the covering, all the pretending to be okay. No one will ever fully understand the difference between then and now for me. I NEVER thought I would make it out of using. I thought I needed that stuff...I thought it actually made me a better person. Now I see these stories and I hear what they are saying....and I had to sound like that 2 years ago. Excuses after excuses. I needed that stuff to function...and there at the end, I needed it to get out of bed, I didn't think there was any coming out of that. I was doing so much I started withdrawling after only 12 hours of not having anything. Usually you don't start withdrawling until 48 hrs. There towards the end the police were starting to watch us...cause I was always with "that crowd." There is one time in particular that I remember ALL to well. Me and my hook-up were coming back from a pick-up. He had a bundle (10 bags of heroin) in his sock, and I had a bundle in my bra...so there were 20 bags of heroin in the car between the 2 of us.....that's like 10 years in prison. He decides that he wants to stop at his regular place to get a syringe (needle) ....and he stopped at the same pharmacy EVERY time...and that's how they got him I think....but anyways while he was inside I decided to do one of my bags...so I got a cd case and did mine, just as I finished snorting it and putting the rest back in my bra...my friend was just sitting back down in the passenger seat...I kid you not, about the time my hand was coming back out of my shirt about 10 police cars surrounded my car in the walgreens parking lot, and I thought I was screwed for life! I still don't know why to this day....but my hook-up covered for me...he said he had lied to me and asked me to bring him out here for something else, and I didn't know about the drugs....they let me go, and I made it home with that bundle, and surprisingly enough was back out there the next day. I think about that now....I would be sitting in jail using the computer right now....I wouldn't be able to see my kids. And I think about all the people we hung out with who didn't make it out of that lifestyle....i'm pretty sure my hook-up is still sitting in jail cause he covered for me...I mean he caught some new charges after that incident....but I know he's in jail still to this day. I just see all these people who are caught up in that lifestyle and they think it's cool and glamorous and they're livin the thug life!! But in all actuality they have nothing, they are miserable, depressed, angry...bottom line they are messed up about something...using drugs to cover something emotional. I know I was...and people might try and shrug that off and say no I was just using for fun...but that is a lie. It took me going to rehab to deal with the issues behind why I was using...and why I was doing other stuff for that matter too...but once I delt with the issues behind it it's like the cravings and the want went away... I don't know how to describe it other than that. Now, as of this day I have no desire to use....I've thought about using 1 time in a year and a half and thats only because it was being used in front of my face...but it still didn't bother me. You hear these stories about people who relapse, relapse, relapse....it's a cycle. I see it happening in front of my face....a good friend of mine....her boyfriend is a thug...recently "temporarily" lost his kids to CPS, got arrested for a burglary charge 2 days ago....while he is on probation. He was the one that was using in front of me. It's like the more stress comes in his life the more he uses. Now that CPS is involved...now that he got arrested 2 days ago...is CPS gonna pull the plug now? Are they gonna say you had your chance and you got arrested while you were supposed to be getting your shit together? He's digging a deeper hole....and he doesn't even realize it. But I didn't realize what I was doing to myself either. It's just frustrating when you try to tell people not to go down the road I went down...it's not worth it....and it's like they don't listen...they just have to see for themselves. All this to say that I never thought I would be sitting on this side of the fence a year and a half ago....I thought I would still be using...I thought i would never get out.....but I did, and now you would have to drag me back kicking and screaming and you would have to force it down my throat to get me to use.....cause i have absolutly no desire to ever have that addicted feeling ever again...I just can't describe in words what that feeling was every morning....and if I went the rest of my life never having that feeling again it still wouldn't be long enough. I am happier and more fullfilled now than I ever thought I could be...and you couldn't pay me enough to go back to that time in my life. Eventually once my girls go to school I think i'm going to get into helping people with addictions somehow. Cause fact of the matter is....it's not this easy, or cut and dry for other drug users out there....you usually wrestle with it for your whole life. Anyhow...all that to say, I am SO thankful to all the people that helped and supported me out of that time in my life....and now I feel compelled to pass that help on to someone else. Cause it IS possible to come out of drugs!!
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