Mommy Wars...A New Hope...

[Squirrell34]

Now this isn't my first CM journal rodeo.  I've put my big girl panties on and am ready for it.

I'm totally going to forgo the usual discussions -- Formula vs. Nursing; Cloth vs. Disposables, etc.    Those have been discussed, and are still discussed on an almost daily basis here.

After a while, your child gets potty trained, and off the boob or bottle.  And you move on to different milestones.  But the venom remains....


I am proud of my son.  I enjoy watching my child (soon children) grow up.  And how they learn, and how they develop.  And I want to share that with my friends and family.  Just because I'm sharing, doesn't mean I'm comparing.  My son is no better or worse than your child because of his milestones.   Each child develops differently, and their achievements should be celebrated in turn.

I find that I have a very limited audience who is willing to be 100% supportive of my son.  Usually responses are tempered with, "Oh -- my daughter did that 2 weeks ago!" or "It's about time; he should have been doing that MUCH sooner."  or "Well, my son hasn't done that yet -- but he's done THIS instead -- has YOURS?"  and my favorite "Well, that makes sense, because HE's in DAYCARE".  Seriously -- they're toddlers.  It's not a competition.  Exactly when my son figured out HOW to eat -- and that he likes -- a Peanut Butter sandwich will not set the wheels in motion for him to become either a serial killer or a top neurosurgeon.  CafeMom is not immune -- sure -- it infiltrates a lot of the baby groups, but it's also a pandemic on facebook status updates as well.

While the phrases have changed as the baby grows, the vitriol has not.  It seems as though everywhere you go, Mothers need to constantly reprove themselves by comparing their children.  And in a way, we can't help that.  We have population growth curves, milestones, and key metrics our kids should meet up to.  They're constantly being tested and checked and measured, especially in the first 6 months.  New Moms get programmed to assess their child against the rest of the population -- first with poops, then with growth curves, and teeth, walking, standing, solid foods, and the list goes on. But as our kids grow, they need the room to grow at their own pace, and explore their own interests in their own time.  At times we need to throw out the books and the charts -- and just let our kids be kids.  (within reason -- the scales can help diagnose learning or behavioral issues that are important to not ignore).

I'm guilty too.  I've noticed I have been sucked into this mentality.  And I've made a resolution to no longer continue the competition.
I now stop myself mentally when friends have posted good news, and my first response is to compare.  And rather than compare my son to their child, I leave a nice comment.  That's it; that's centered around the child's success.  It will take some time to be completely comparison free, but I think with a bit of work on my part, it will become habit, and I'll be a more supportive friend for it.

This is very different from a Mom asking for advice or asking a question.  When another Mom asks me when my son has done something, I'll still tell them.  If they seem concerned, I'll also offer up some other friends, and the approx age of that milestone occurring.  Just so they get a broader idea.  Questions are questions, but a child's achievement should just flat-out be celebrated.

And as for me, I've stopped posting a lot of milestones.  Why?  Not because I don't want to share.  But I don't want the competition.  I want to look back at my child's progress, and be happy with his growth, no matter how fast or slow it is.  I want to spend my time praising my child's accomplishments, rather than worrying about who he's better or worse in comparison to.

P.S -- anyone catch my title reference?  May the force be with you.

[baconbits]

Jan. 11, 2010 at 1:07 PM

I think you have this one right. We're raising 3 grandchildren and truthfully the youngest is going to bypass the older 2 as she gets older but I love to celebrate each child's achievements. Each child is different and where one may grow quickly the next may grow quickly in another area. Celebrate each milestone in their life.

[mmmegan38]

Jan. 11, 2010 at 4:18 PM

Well I am a 110% supporative of you boy. I know he is smart.  He is freaking fantastic. It is such a joy to watch and see how our kids evolve.

[JennyDillyAnna]

Jan. 11, 2010 at 5:29 PM

I'm in your camp!  Total support.  I have a worser time comparing between my two girls.  So different.. 

[LoveMyDog]

Jan. 27, 2010 at 2:33 PM

Great post and Sorry I totaly missed the Star Wars tie in. Heck I almost missed the entire post.