The end is in sight!!!!

But fears are looming on the horizon...

         I didn't want this. I didn't ask for this. I gave up and was content with my relationship and my wonderful 8 year old daughter.

It hurt me to tell her that I was no going to get pregnant again. She's been wanting a sibling since she was 3. But, as a mom, I felt I had to be honest with her, and for that matter- myself. I tried for 7 years to get pregnant and even bought so many uni-sex clothes to last for the first year... I had LOTS of time on my hands... (2 weeks after giving thousands of dollars worth of years of collecting, I find out I am 13 weeks prgnant). God has a killer sense of humor!!!

PCOS- polycystic ovarian syndrome... on top of him having a vasectomy, it just wasn't possible. I couldn't keep her hopes up. So why am I sitting her just 4 weeks away from delievering a sister for my daughter? PCOS wasn't a womb death sentance. And, as for him, he never went back to make sure the operation took. Fate?

He told me to abort "the chicken embryo". I couldn't even give it a second thought. I realized right then that even though I didn't want another child at the moment, I couldn't find it in me to get rid of her. That was never an option for me. This thing inside of me, already had a beating heart, all the major body systems are in place, brain structure is fully formed, was no longer an embryo- but a fetus, and, get this.... fingernails!!

I left him that day.

At that moment I knew that I cared for the baby taking up room and board in my womb. I stopped drinking, which I did socially. Except for the 2 times I got plastered... Memorial day and July 2, my birthday. I was taking perscribed sleeping pills, and muscle relaxers, I stopped them that day. I believe the fetus went through withdrawl within me. The whole first trimester had passed without me having an inkling of what was going on right under my nose!

That didn't last long! No more pills made her crazy!!!! But, things finally settled long enough for me to start getting these bad mommy fears.

My belly started growing, and my daughter was in heaven!! She would come to snuggle with me as she always does, but over time, it started to get uncomfortable... a 70 pound child in the lap of her mother with an ever growing belly meant not nearly as much room in said lap as before. I started to resent this thing in me (which by now I knew was another daughter). She wasn't even here yet and was already cutting into special time with my baby girl. The one I have had all to myself for the last 8 years. I didn't want to start to think about having to share that time with anyone else.

That is when I started to think the worst.

How could I possibly love this "thing"???

What if my first-born is my favorite and I treat the new one as the proverbial "red-headed step-child" (no offence)? A modern day Cinderella?

I toyed with the idea of putting her up for adoption. My daughter was in the room when the Dr. came in and laid the pregnancy bombshell on us all. She told me if I gave the baby away, she would leave with the baby to. She was already in line to the big-sister club celebration, ticket in hand.

I am now with a VERY supportive man, who is willing to raise this baby as his own. He's made the comment "It sometimes seems like it'll be easier for me to love the baby, then for you." And I believe he may be right.

What kind of mother doesn't love the baby growing inside of her???

Am I a bad mom from the start? What does that say about the type of mother I am to the one I am so blessed with already?

Everyone around me, God bless them, tries so hard to help with these "irrational fears" by saying you'll love her once you see her... once they place her in your arms it'll be instant love...

4 weeks to go and I am still unsure. I know i care for her. 100% sure about that. I have gone to every pre-natal. Went through every blood test. Am drinking unheard amounts of water, peeing ever 2 minutes. I am going through this to make sure she is healthy and has the best start as possible, given the circumstances. But, is it love?

I haven't told too many people about this, for fear that they will think the worst of me. But dealing with it myself, at 36 weeks along, is NOT doing anything to help the stress level!!

I want to love her, I want to be a good mother to her. I know I can be a good mom, I have been doing it for the past 8 years! Very soon, I will see what my daughter looks like, I will have the chance to hold her for the first time in my very own arms... I'll look into those beautiful baby eyes and...

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Comments:

ZLand...
Feb. 7, 2011 at 4:49 PM

Wow  girl that is a lot to think about and carry around, but you know I know exactly how you feel. I felt the same thing when I was about five or six months along. Yes I was sooo excited to be pregnant and he would be my first son with my now hubbie so it made things special between us, but I had a five year old son from another relationship whom met the world to me. Anyone hurt my baby and watch out cause the fingernails are going to fly! Anyway I wanted to try for a daughter with my now husband and when I found out it was a boy I felt the same way would I be able to love my new son just as much as my other son, or would I love my older son more, and because I wanted a daughter regret having my new son. After time though as I got to see more sonagrams and felt the baby move, oh and go shopping for him as well as pick out his name I began to love our new son Zackariah more and more, and by the time came I was beyond ready to meet him, and yes it was love at first sight! So hang in there everything will be fine and just try to keep positive.

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