Giving up my fight

[ambers3]

I am going to let it all out now, since I am choosing to give up the fight.

I was 14 years old when I had my first baby. She was a larger baby so her due date got changed often. I am not sure when she was actually due but on Jan. 29th (4 days after my "final" due date) I went in to be induced. 24 hours later nothing really happened so I consented to a cesarean. I don't remember much except getting a needle put in and out of my spine 7 times in 2 different positions and being told to "HOLD STILL OR YOU'LL BE PARALYZED!" and going numb once it was done. Then some wrenching and pulling and my daughter was out and she whisked by me as I vomited all over my face. Then everyone left. My baby, my boyfriend, the nurses. Everyone but 2 docs putting me together like the scarecrow from the Wizard of Oz. I wasn't really aware that that was not a normal experience. That was the experience of my mother and growing up when I was small and I would ask her how the babies come out of the mommies she told me the doctors cut them out and I was always well aware of her scar.

When I was 17 I naively got pregnant again. I figured it would all be the same that I would go into labor and try again. I was informed early into my pregnancy that I would have to schedule a c-section for this birth because the small town hospital was ill prepared for the rare event that I would rupture. I googled VBACs and first found ICAN then.  I knew more but since I had no car and would not be able to drive the 50 miles to the next hospital that was allowing VBACs I scheduled. My 2nd daughter was born 4lbs smaller than my first at 38 weeks, orange with jaundice and seemingly premature. Her birth was a solemn event and the pictures of me before hand are haunting with the depressed look on my face. I had PPD so bad I truly am amazed that I never shook her or committed suicide.

I eventually got on with life and lost my baby weight and got my own apartment and my own car. I had a job and started working to get my CNA. I was a single mom and doing well though I was younger than most moms around me.

At 20 I was pregnant again. This time I wanted to VBAC I had moved to a larger city and I knew that the Hospital allowed VBACs. I found a great doctor just by luck and in my 37th week I was informed that I would have to schedule a c section. I was shocked! I thought they were allowed?! Well I failed to realize that it is up to the doctor and not the hospital. So a week and a half later my 3rd daughter was born. It went ok but by then I was tired of surgery. I had had a friend give birth vaginally in between my 2nd and 3rd c sections that made me envious. She was back at work 4 days after her birth, she was walking around and happy. She was out of the hospital 1 day after her son was born! I was heartbroken as I sat in my hospital bed, wearing a diaper and sucking on ice chunks thinking about how she had such a great recovery. My baby was crying and I could not help her, I had to press a nurse call button. I knew this was not okay.

I got married when my 3rd daughter was 5 months old. A little while into our marriage we were unexpectedly pregnant. As soon as we wrapped our minds around it I miscarried. After that we tried to get pregnant. We went through 5 months with no success and we got news that he would soon deploy. I became worried of having a pregnancy alone so we decided to stop trying and wait till he returned. 2 days before he deployed I got a positive pregnancy test. I laid on the floor crying. "negative?" he asked. "NO" I cried. He smiled "It will be okay babe". No it wont, I said that everyday. After he left I did something I never in my life considered. I scheduled an abortion. I could not handle another surgery I knew I couldn't. I felt so stupid for never think about how another pregnancy would end. Of course I would have to have another c section! When I was denied for extra medical coverage and the funds for an abortion were not available to me I realized that I had to have this baby. I found out the Army hospital gave a definite "NO" to the VBA3C and proceeded to disenroll from Tricare prime to Tricare Standard so I could see a civillian provider.

I prayed for forgiveness every night for wanting to end my baby's life.  I prayed for strength and I prayed for more options. I studied ICAN and I studied other studies. I read and read and made myself insane. My depression went up and it went down. I also have severe morning sickness. I went to my last Ob hoping to get good care while I looked for a VBACing option. I stopped going to church as my depression took a grip over me. I got a list of all the VBACing hospitals in Washington state and proceeded to get a list of their child birthing providers and after cross-referencing them to my insurance "provider search" I made a list. I started calling. The "No"s rang in. I kept going. I lost hope.

3 days before Christmas I called my mom to tell her that I was suicidal and that I was finding a babysitter so I could go to the hospital. I laid on the floor for 3 hours surrounded by glass I had broken before I fell to the floor to cry. She begged me to go to her house (100 miles away) instead. I ended up packing up the presents, the dogs and my kids into my tiny car and going. I pretended to be happy while I was there, I pretended long enough that I felt happy. I came back on the 27 and prayed.

On December 28th I was cleaning the kitchen when I found my list. I gave a sigh and decided to call again but I told myself I would not get discouraged. On my 2nd call I got a yes. I scheduled an appointment. I was elated. I became happy, I started showering regularly, emailing my husband, cooking, cleaning and feeling great. I took the kids out for playdates and I went to church again! I felt like 1 million pounds was lifted from my soul. I was given my choice back!
I went to my appointment on the 5th of January. After the nurse took all my info in she explained how the clinic worked. I had the coice of the family doctors or the OBs upstairs "the OBs will be doing your c section either way". I told her I was going to have a VBAC. "I don't know where you got the delusion that you could have a VBAC" she responded. After tears and argument she explained it was not an option and apologized for the misinformation from the "new" receptionist. 

Dazed, angry and heart broken I went to my car. I drove home and cried. I needed help. I called more doctors and got more "no"s I became obsessive over it. My depression was getting bad. I laid in bed most days, my 19 month old and 4 year old were running the house on their own. I get up to make food and change a diaper, wipe noses and went back to bed. I stared at the Rx I had for Zoloft from my OB. I called my regular doc to get another opinion about the depression. I got in that afternoon. Now I had 2 Rx for Zoloft to stare at. But I knew what I was upset about, wouldn't it be better to just let me make a choice?

My books came in the mail. The ones I ordered immediately after I thought I found a VBACing doctor. "Ina May's Guide to Childbirth" was one. The book empowered me. I began learning about Midwifes and the Midwifery model of care. I was excited! But I still had no one to back me up. My family had been shunning my ideas so I had stopped taking to them. My husband was growing tired of my depression and threatening divorce. I was stuck in between a rock and a hard place.

I finally got a call back from ICAN of Seattle. She too was empowering to me and she gave me some midwives names. I found number to go with the names and discovered that Yes, they will do my birth but NO they are not covered by my insurance. The average home birth is between $2000 and $3400 and I talked to my husband about it, feeling good on the subject. He told me I was unreasonable to think about a home birth because we need to buy a car. That was true. I became buried in depression again. I emailed my FRG leader and she come over as soon as she could. She watched my kids while I went to talk to a very mixed up chaplain and then a counselor. The counselor suggested that I take the Zoloft and stop "obsessing about birth". I said I would understand if I had a medical reason that I needed c sections but I don't. He said "don't you see? You do need them now, because of the number of c sections you have had!" He had this smug look of realization on his face that I could tell he hoped I would share. "But THEY made me that way, I was born able to give birth" I said. It was going no where. I left my appointment feeling suicidal again. I got back to my kids, cleaned up the house and went to bed.
I woke the next morning at 10am. The FRG leader came by to visit and give me hugs. She put some dinner she made m,e in my fridge and some fresh baked brownies and a bag of oranges on my counter. I was grateful. I got a call back from the counselor. He wanted me to find a baby sitter and come in so someone from the Rear-D command could escort me to the Army hospital for a evaluation and a possible 72 hour hold. At this point I thought it couldn't hurt since all I wanted to do was die. But I became frightened and declined. I went to bed instead. Later I was able to talk to my husband. He told me that he was at his breaking point with me. That I either need to dramatically change or he was taking the babies and divorcing me. I told him I could just take the Zoloft and I would probably feel better but knowing the risks that we both discussed he informed me that if the baby had any problems from the medication that he was leaving me and there are "no ifs, ands or buts about it". I tried explaining my reasons for feeling this way just like I have been for months to everyone around me. The feelings of being treated in human, the loss of choice over my body being stripped from me. The loss of dignity, wearing diapers, having nurses "change me" not being able to move or walk or stand. Having the shot in my back, puking on a cold OR table watching my baby being roughhoused by nurses. I am crazy. I freak out when I don't get what I want. I am selfish.

I am giving up now. I cannot fight a war on my own as everyone who I need and love fall from my ranks. I will deal with losing myself so I can keep my family. I will try hard to pretend to enjoy my life. I will give up on the hopes of having the power to chose how my body is handled or how I can give birth. I will go through the pain and the suffering of another unnecessary surgery. I will do it without medication to numb my feelings in my brain. I will try hard to love this baby. I will try hard not to resent my life. I will try hard to forget that last child I wanted. I will try hard to forgive myself for letting another man (my doctor) have control over my body.

I read one time on a VBAC support blog a woman who compared forced c sections to rape. She was criticized greatly for her comment. Being someone who has been through both, I have to agree.

[KrhMsh]

Jan. 15, 2010 at 10:15 AM

There's nothing I can say to make you feel better, especially since I don't feel the same as you. All I can say is talk to your hubby about support, and him doing that little thing for you, because it doesn't help when you feel like the one who's supposed to be rooting for you no matter what isn't. 

Other than that I want you to know I hear you. I'm listening, and I care, I have had the same feelings over different things, and I want you to know your holding on DOES make a difference.

I would look up or ask for advice on bargaining with midwives, see if they would do a discount for you, and explain the situation and how much it means to you, maybe you & hubby can meet in the middle if a midwife is willing to lower her fee. I'd talk to hubby about it first, THEN start in on the midwives once he gives the ok. Also, check into a personal loan for a midwife(like from a bank) and pay your midwife in payments if she'll let you. Cars can also be financed...

Good lick. Please hang in there!

[fern624]

Jan. 15, 2010 at 7:32 PM

As a depressed personf myself because of health witch i cant help i have threaths from my hubby..zoloft seem to help me anlong with the new drug abilify..So dont give up trust in God..Pray my child and if it is meant to be the lord will see that it all works out..Most in all TRUST WITHIN YOURSELF..I'll keep good vibes your way and keep you your chin up and trust your hubby and things will go great...

[fern624]

Jan. 15, 2010 at 7:34 PM

oh and if you need someoneto talk to message me fern624

[shannipoo714]

Jan. 16, 2010 at 12:12 AM

I'm sorry you're feeling this way.  I can't really understand your position, but I know it's tough when nobody you care about and who is supposed to care about you is being supportive.  I had two c-sections, but I wanted them, so it's different for me.  Don't give up hope, and once the baby comes and you can take meds, I hope you'll feel better and the depression goes away.  (((HUGS)))

[wendy46121]

Jan. 16, 2010 at 10:56 AM

Don't give up, you deserve the birth of your dreams.  :) Talk to the midwives you spoke with about homebirthing, (HBAC)  talk with them about bartering, and payment plans!!!  Most midwives WILL do this!!!

Your body was MADE to give birth, I am so sorry you have had a bunch of sorry ass OBs tell you that you are broken!  You're not broken! You just need to give your body a chance and trust that it's perfect.  I know it is!!  

There are groups on CM who can help you, encourage you to get the VBAC birth you want.  

 

[wendy46121]

Jan. 16, 2010 at 10:59 AM

By the way you are not selfish or crazy.  Your husband is being a complete asshole about this.  Husbands are supposed to stand by and support their wives, especially during hard times. 

[Pishyah]

Jan. 16, 2010 at 11:28 AM

This is not you being selfish!  This is NOT you being crazy!  People need to wake up and realize that this is a serious issue for not only you but many other women!  Talk to the midwives who would let you VBA3C and see if they'll barter, cut the price back, maybe even do one pro-bono!  Don't give up because you won't be able to deal with the depression any better.  If it bothers you now it will constantly bother you.  You can do this, hun!  Just stay home, even.  Don't go to the hospital until you're crowning, don't give up!  DON'T!

:*************(

[NoahsMomma418]

Jan. 16, 2010 at 11:28 AM

DO NOT GIVE UP!!! You are right you where created to give birth. You can do it, your body can do you! Talk to the midwives see if you can work out a payment. See if you can trade. See if you can find an underground midwife. Hell, find out if there are any home birthers near you that would be willing to help you. Go to Wish upon a Hero and see if you can get anyone to help. 

 You aren't crazy, you are a WOMAN. you are POWERFUL. you are STRONG. You deserve to birth your baby the way you want.  PM me if you need to talk. I've  never had a c-section but I'm a proud UCer and I support you 100%!

[Pishyah]

Jan. 16, 2010 at 11:33 AM

I told him I could just take the Zoloft and I would probably feel better but knowing the risks that we both discussed he informed me that if the baby had any problems from the medication that he was leaving me and there are "no ifs, ands or buts about it".

Your husband needs a good asskicking.  THIS is one of the worst things I've heard anyone say in a while!  Would he rather you kill yourself?  Your depression isn't a chosen situation!  It is quite obvious that you'd LOVE to snap your fingers and feel better about this!  Your story has me in tears and I wish I could kick this jerk in the balls right now!  MANY women experience PPD DURING pregnancy and HAVE to take something.  I am so sorry that amid this fight he is treating you this way!

[TanyaR1024]

Jan. 16, 2010 at 11:34 AM

Listen to me. You tell your husband that the birth of your child is worth any amount of money and is more important than a car. You call the midwives and explain your situtation. Work out a payment plan with them, see if you can barter with them by cleaning their house, doing office work for them, whatever needs to be done that you can do. Tell your husband if he is not willing to pay for a midwife, you will have the baby unassisted. If he is not willing to support you in whatever you choose and does not understand that the meer thought of being cut open for no good reason has made you want to take your own life, he is a sorry excuse for a husband. He doesnt have to understand your feelings but he sure as hell needs to respect them. Stop talking to OBs and nurses and counselors who think that all is just peachy keen with being sliced open for no good reason. They dont understand and they probably never will. Join every online support group you can find and get your support online because I know you wont get it in real life. Our country makes women play these little "games" to try to get the birth they want and most never will be able to get that birth (unless the birth they desire involves being cut or drugged). The system is just not designed to support natural birth. So give that system a big "fuck you" and refuse to play their games. If you give me your location, I can help you find some local support. Surround yourself with as many people as you can that will support your desires. They are out there even if your area seems very mainstream. Unfortunately, you are going to have to grow a very thick skin until the baby is here and be ready to do what you need to do to ensure your babys safe entrance into the world, even if that means telling everyone around you to go to hell. I KNOW you can do this! There are many women online who have been cut open and have been told by everyone that they would be cut open again and have said NO. Find those women and know that you are just as strong as them. Please join the groups Birth is Normal and Birth Unhindered on here. They will offer you tons of research and support.