Ramblings

[talladegas_mom]

Well my wonderful lil sister got me thinking.  Mainly about how music and certain songs affect people soo deeply.  I can't help but be affect by songs.  The other day I was minding my own business folding laundry and all of a sudden a song comes on the radio and I end up on the floor in tears.  I didn't realize how sad I was about losing my grandpa.  It has been months yet there I was bawling.

Then another time I am nursing my lil boy to sleep and he had finally drifted off to sleep so I was sneeking out of the room and then the radio starts playing Kenny Chesney "Who you'd be today."  I didn't automatically start crying, but I couldn't leave the room.  I just sat down and listened and thought about baby Orion. 

I feel soo guilty getting to experience all the new things with my lil boy that it constantly reminds me this is was my sister would have went through.  And even though I already have went through all these stages with my daughter, it is somehow different with a boy and the fact that she didn't get any of it with her baby tears me up inside.

Then I heard another song today that kinda pulled it all together for me.  It reminded me of 2008 when I was pregnant with baby Bristol and going though all the emotions and depressions of life.  I have come to terms with the fact that I am an over emotional person.  Things tend to affect me a lil bit more than your average person.  But I am okay with that.  The part that made 2008 so hard for me wasn't just that I was pregnant and feeling upset that just the year before I had watched my lil sister in the hospital with a preemie baby and the joy of her bringing him home and then the crushing blow of her sudden loss.  I still have nightmares of that morning.  Waking up and seeing my sister on the couch.  Without her baby.  He was home for a week before she lost him.  It takes more than a week to adjust to having your new baby home.  Then we had to deal with losing him.

So with all the emotions I was dealing with I shut myself off.  I went on auto pilot and that puts a huge strain on a marriage.  So I hear this song this afternoon and I realize this song fits perfectly how i felt and how I still feel at times. 

I guess I should mention that the song is Whataya want from Me by Adam Lambert.  Seriously you should just listen to it sometime.  It really makes me want to just make Josh listen to the song next time we are having an argument due to my emotions and depression. 

My depression is still a touchy subject too.  I have never thought it was bad enough for medication except for in 2008 when I was pregnant and couldn't tkae anything.  I am just coming to terms with my anxiety and although I realize I have defeated most of my axieties I realize that to get over the last hurdle might require medication.  Not even forever maybe.  Maybe just long enough to help me cope.  Once I can cope maybe I will then see that I can do these things and I will no longer need medicine.  But at this point I don't know what to do.  I am too proud to tell my doc and too scared to go to a different doctor.  Only time will tell.

Anyways, I doubt anyone will read this, just needed to write this all out.