Depression is a cruel time bomb

[momof3inTN]

It is amazing how wonderful things can be, for short or long periods of time. How much a person can take and live with. All that a person can endure, before the walls start crashing and depression rears its ugly head once again.

I have always struggled with depression, for all of my adult life and a great deal of my teenage years.

A couple of years ago I finally got on some good medications, that helped to ease that weight of the world on my shoulders. But even with the meds, the depression was so dense that there were times I contemplated the most awful of ideas.

But for over a year now, I have been so happy. So full of life. There has been a peace over me that has not waivered. A hope and a joy and a light in even my darkest of times.

You would think that with my husband gone for such long periods of time that depression would be daily, or at least a weekly occurrence. But, oddly enough, it hasn't this past year.

We all have our "down" days. I am not claiming that every day has been peaches and cream since that bright day in November of 2008 when I finally awoke from the fog that had bogged me down for so, so long.

No. There have been days when I have cried. But they were here and there. Not every day. They came and went. A day here, a month of happiness. Then a day there followed by 3 months of normality.

But that is not the case this time.

After over a year of being "normal" I am struggling once again. The depression that has creaped into my heart is so great that I feel more overwhelmed than ever.

Sure I can go out and put on a happy face and smile with the best of them. But inside my heart is crying, pounding... my brain overpowered with fears and worries, concerns and loss.

I feel powerless to stop it.

I pray almost every waking hour for relief... for a sign... for something to get me through the day.

The cruelest part is hearing my children say something they haven't said in over a year, "Why is mommy crying?"

[graciebeth]

Jan. 22, 2010 at 11:45 AM

I will pray for you, because I have been there, myself, after my dad died, I went through it bad for two solid years and am just now coming out of it, the only thing that has gotten me through is my faith, and lexapro..I hope you feel better..it's the worst feeling in the world.

[SCMom130]

Jan. 23, 2010 at 10:25 PM

I know exactly what you're going through. I've struggled with depression for most of my life. I had to return to medication last year because it became a struggle to even get up and care for my child. Feel free to PM me if you want to talk...take care.

[momof3inTN]

Jan. 24, 2010 at 10:31 AM

Thank you both. I was getting overwhelmed with SO much... all at one time. Things are starting to improve again, little by little. I wish I could go back for meds but, alas, I am currently without insurance (and even if I did have the $75 for the doctor's visit - because you have to have an appointment, they won't call in a prescription without seeing you first, I don't have the $91 for my meds per month as the $4 lists don't include my meds and those actually make me feel worse). Things will get better, I know that... just need to get through this rough time first.

(Original Poster)

[sonja007]

Jan. 25, 2010 at 9:41 AM

I can so relate to the horrible costs of meds.  I had to stop my migraine meds due to the money issue.  It sure has made life ugly not being able to take care of the pain.    All we can do is take one day at a time.

Sending healing vibes your way.