I sit here tonight thinking about what may happen this week. What may not happen. What may change my life for the best or crush it forever.
My husband and I have been trying to concieve since Sept 2007. After a few months of my period being later and later w/o being pregnant I went to the doctor to be checked out. Little did I know this would be the beginning of a 2 yr battle. Since this
we I have been to the doctor's office between 15 - 30 times at least. Lab work, exams, ultrasounds, even an MRI to check my pituitary gland. They found nothing.
The doctors seem to think that I have not been ovulating due to stress. My out of the country wedding, my 43yr old Uncle dying at home alone in his recliner, and then my 19 yr old cousin dying 5 months later in the same house as her dad is pretty stressfull I admit. For 2 yrs I would not have a period w/o taking Provera to make it happen. We decided to try an ovulation inducing med called Clomid somewhere around the Summer of 2008. We did 2 rounds and got pregnant. We were so excited.
We enjoyed it for about 4 wks and when we went to the first ultrasound at 9 wks the baby was no longer alive. No heartbeat. At that moment my heart felt like it would stop beating too. To add to this the doctor said he couldn't perfrom what he called an abortion. I couldn't believe his uncaring demeanor!! He sent me away in tears and told me to find someone to do the "abortion" asap. I went to the hospital and had to do another ultrasound to confirm "fetal demise". This time tho b/c it was so late at night they wouldn't let Chad come in with me b/c" the female tech was alone". I had a D&C the following week and was just destroyed.
Fast forward about 4 more rounds of Clomid and still no success we decided to stop for awhile during the Summer or 2009. Out of nowhere my cycles started up consistently for 4-5 mons and we decided we were ready to try again during the winter of 09. Which brings us to now.
I am sitting here over a month late and as of two weeks ago another negative pregnancy test. My husband finally did a semen analysis that we have been putting off all this time. We want to know but the fear of an absoloute no way in hell is a horrible lingering pain. One which we avoided at all costs until now. I see the doctor Friday Jan 29th and we will know for sure.
My mom just called as I was typing this and asked me if I'm so late and so tired lately could I be pregnant?? I'm in tears again for the millionth time this week. I have also come to know another mom that has a similar issue and she's in tears too. People who deal with infertility are so in tune to each other's pain it's amazing. Everytime another person ends up pregnant we kind of grieve together. We deal with it and cry about it together which helps a bit. It's not that we are mad at them or jealous of them, we are just sad for us.
I hope to God for me and everyone I know who wants a child and can care for a child financially/emotionally/spiritually etc can have one someday. I know that I am blessed to have the miracle that I already have but who can blame me for wanting another?!?! It's not wrong to want all the love your heart can hold!!
I even started a group for people with the same issue. I hope that through it and my amazing friends I can get some relief of my aching heart. I pray to God this appt goes well for us. Please please please do not let this week be the end of our hope.
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