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IVF and babies
- Jan 27, 2010 at 1:16 PM
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- Comments (13) Total Views (499) Everyone can see this journal post.
We spent roughly the first 3 years together doing fertility treatment.
Then we took about a year off.
Now, we are looking at IVF. Its not a male issue, its a female one. Its my fault I can't conceive, there's something slightly off with my body that they can't figure out how to fix.
It's so hard. my baby clock is ticking away, I dream of being pregnant, I dream of peeing on a stick, and even in my dream state, in my disbelief of actually being pregnant, I pee on 5 more sticks just to make sure it was right! lol
Then I wake up. And, I try to put the dream from my mind. sometimes in my dream I am really pregnant and I can feel the baby moving and I am so excited in my dream that I call him over and tell him to come feel the baby move.
It's hard to have a biological clock, ticking away. Knowing you have infertility issues, trying to pretend that the hurtful comments from others of "its not meant to be, or maybe you should adopt" don't hurt as bad as they do.
Its insensitive, its hurtful and people are totally oblivious to the struggle and pain that comes along with infertility.
the feeling of being unfeminine, or not female enough to conceive.
I don't think people really understand what its like to go through something like this. I try to remember that people who can have babies naturally, or don't even want them just won't understand what its like.
the hardest thing i've had to do is watch my friends have babies around me, see the joy on their face when they find out their pregnant, see them go through their 9 months and then have this beautiful, tiny, perfect little baby to show for it...
and, I still don't have one.
when you have this urge, this longing for this, its not rational, its not logical and anyone trying to be logical or rational really just comes off like an insensitive prick to you. (especially with comments like, It's gods will, or its fate, or maybe it means your supposed to adopt.)
Those type of comments just make me want to drastically bash peoples face in. It's like telling someone who has a miscarriage that its better that the baby died...
Its why I rarely talk about it.
Its something i try to keep to myself most of the time. There aren't very many people that can relate to the struggles, the pain, the inner tears, the self-blaming.
I admit, that I am excited about the idea of being able to do IVF finally, that we are getting closer it to becoming reality, and that I am scared it won't work either.
I have no reason why my body is a little off. there's no medical explanation for it... it just doesn't work quite right.
That kind of knowledge occasionally makes me feel bad, even if I try to ignore it or put it from my mind.
It's just not as easy as "forget about it".
Comments:
Thanks. I've experienced being pregnant once before, with my son who's almost 6, which is why I think it hurts so bad, knowing what it feels like, the emotions that went through the entire processes, and feeling like something is still missing from our family and knowing what that void is, but being unable to fill it.
I can totally relate to you and what you are going through. My DH and I have been trying to concieve for almost 2 years. He has a son from a previous marriage who is 5, and I so badly want a baby. It kills me a little inside each month when it doesn't happen. I too have been to specialists and have taken pills and given myself shots. And I have nothing to show for it. I fell apart last year when my best friend became pregnant, with her 4th baby. A week prior to that she told me she wasn't in love with her husband and wanted to leave him. So I question why does she get to have a baby, and I can't. Me, who is so utterly in love with my husband and totally commited to our marriage. I too hate the patronizing words people use..."it'll happen when it's supposed to" or "maybe it's not meant to be". How can a baby not be meant to be?! Sorry I highjacked your journal. I just wanted you to know that you are absolutely NOT alone in your feelings. I wish you much luck and success as you begin this next step!
hijack away. Its nice to know I am not the only person who feels that way, or reacts emotionally to those insensitive comments, even if people don't realize they are hurtful.
I had my daughter with no problems. With my son it was another story. We did fertility treatments and nothing. I was so depressed one night I could not tell DH "no". A couple days later I had a blood test done and the numbers were higher then normal but not high enough to say I was actually pregnant so they had me come back 3 days later just to see if the numbers went up. I stopped counting at how long we had been trying when it hit 18 months.
It irritates me when friends talk about trying to get pregnant and complaing it didn't work that month but they only had sex once. Then when they do get pregnant they complain how bad it is. Or how bad they want a drink.
Both my sisters have had great difficulty conceiving. Neither one has ever had regular cycles, and one sister has PCOS. She has used IVF successfully in the past, and is now expecting her third baby (hopefully a girl!), and my other sister went to a nutritionist and had fertility-focused acupuncture. The latter sister had quicker success, so if you haven't tried that route yet, why not?
We had a hard time conceiving but I was kind of the opposite of you. Adoption appealed a lot more to me than IVF or any other kind of invasive treatment. We were actually looking into adoption when I got pregnant so we didn't go through with it, but some of my family made it clear that they felt adoption was inferior to having a biological child. I think infertility's hard enough without people on the outside second-guessing you.
My sister-in-law is going through this right now. She starts her hormones next month and hopes to be pregnant by the end of March. She has been waiting and trying for about 5 years now. I see how hard it is for her, but I know she holds a lot inside. Thank you for sharing this and helping me to see some of her inner struggles so that I can be a better friend for her. As someone who is on the outside, I am guilty of saying "It will happen when it is supposed to", thinking I had to say SOMEthing.. but as with everything, sometimes saying nothing is better. Thanks again, and good luck with your IVF!
My sister - in- law went thru many treatment with IVF over 8 years ago. They actually found that her eggs were to hard and the sperm couldn't get into the egg. So they had to harvest her eggs and put a tiny slit in them to get the sperm in. She now has two beautiful 8 year olds. I also had to go thru a year of treatment to get my 8 year old pride and joy. It can't be extremely fustrating and heartbreaking. I will keep you and your family in my thoughts. Good Luck!
I just wanted to say, please don't think you're alone and please don't let comments made by others hurt you too much...
my sister and her husband tried for 6 years, including hormone injections and calendars and follicle counts and the whole nine yards...
when I was 8 months pregnant with my daughter, they were going through their first round of IVF... it was successful, and she was pregnant with triplet boys...
she unfortunately experienced another oddity which caused her cervix to open prematurely and bateria caused her water to break. she lost baby 1 at 18 weeks and the other 2 at 22 weeks....
it was incredibly difficult for her to be around myself and my healthy daughter... it was also difficult for me to be around her, I felt so much grief and so very ashamed that I was able to have a child and not her. it took us a long time to get past it, and the following year she successfully carried twin daughter to term and delivered healthy beautiful girls thanks to IVF...
since then she has had another daughter thanks to IVF and they are a happy healthy family.... IVF is an amazingly challenging and beautiful thing and I dearly hope that you have a successfully beautiful, healthy pregnancy and baby of your very own... many blessings Kajira
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I'm so sorry I'm sure you have a huge void where you hoped someday there will be children. I can say though I have 3 friends who had IVF and it took the 1st round 2 got one baby and the other got twins. Then another friend got PG her 2nd round with the cutest twin boys ever!!! You could never convince me those couples we not meant to be parents. I hope you get your wish and feel a baby inside you and have a child to love for the rest of your life. BIG HUGS Ali
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