Darkest Before the Dawn

[caseylauren]

I feel an ‘Aha Moment’ coming soon… but I’m not quite there yet… oh, and did I hear recently that Oprah is trying to trademark ‘aha moment’?? Maybe I owe her some money? Cuz I use that phrase all the time.. and have been for quite awhile now….

Last night was a very low point for me…I’ve mentioned financial instability, but I haven’t told you that as a real estate assistant, I was laid off several months ago… I’ve been in the real estate industry for over 25 years and it’s what I know… unfortunately, it’s one of the industries that have been severely affected during this recent economic crisis… My low point coincided with what they call the ‘wolf moon’… I had never heard it called that, but it’s when the moon is closest to the earth, and also happens to be a full moon…which only happens once or twice a year… it’s when the emergency rooms fill up and people have emotional meltdowns… like I did last night!

I’m mostly angry at myself… and I struggle with feeling let down by my ex, Steve…… why isn’t he a better provider for his kids?? Why is he more focused on himself than being a responsible father?? I felt during most of my marriage to him that I had three kids… and he still exhibits those tendencies today… even though I realized recently that my financial instability gave me the gift of having an equal parenting partner, (because we live together as roommates now)… which I haven’t had since divorcing 7 years ago…(you know, I felt the guilt of being the one to end the relationship, so put up with being the 70% parent, emotionally, physically and financially).

I’m at a place of not knowing if I can pay rent next month… and not being able to pay my bills on time… so I’m angry… and also frustrated at why I would create this situation for myself… what else is there to learn about lack of money in my life??? It causes me to think that I’ve done something wrong or that I didn’t ‘get it’ right… I question everything I believe… so I cry, I beg the heavens… I sit in the unemployment office for 3 hours only to be told I have to jump through more hoops… which I’m willing to do, because I’ve got kids to take care of…

And then Steve comes in and offers me a gift…he reminds me that all I need to do is trust myself completely… have I ever not taken care of myself when I needed to??? Why would things be any different now??? So, I take a deep breath and let his reassuring words wash over me…get out of my head… quit trying to force or control and know with all my heart that I am exactly where I want to be… for whatever reason, and I need to trust that…it’s just an experience… I have my kids… I have my family… there is love and I am loved… and I am grateful for that… because, really… in the big picture…..what else matters?

Caseys