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Another agoraphobic day turns into a panic night.
- Feb 5, 2010 at 5:18 AM
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- Comments (19) Total Views (514) Everyone can see this journal post.
Nighttime is the hardest. Knowing everyone in the house is asleep and here I am dreading going to bed. The dreams are just too much sometimes. Waking up with a start...ugh. 1 am, 2 am, 3 am...
I finally go to bed and in the morning I'm so exhausted. I can't shut my mind off. It just keeps going and going, jumping from one subject to another all by itself. It's like I don't even have control over what I'm thinking.
I describe it as standing on a platform as the subway is speeding by and trying to look in the windows. You just can't get a fix on what's inside because the train is moving too fast. Such is the inside of my head. I shut myself away for days ignoring the phone. I avoid any contact with people at all if I can get away with it.
When I do have control, I'm constantly thinking about all the worrisome things. Mainly, leaving the house. Bad things happen when I leave the house. Panic attacks in line at the grocery store and stopped at a red light with cars in front and behind me. (Friends who have heard this before, please forgive me) Having a Vasovagal attack out in public many times over the last several years has made it even more difficult.
Usually it is because of some sort of med reaction. One morning, I wanted to try Excedrin for my headaches. I had never had it before and wanted to see if it would be better than the Tylenol I take every morning. My boys (12 and 14) and I were at JoAnn Fabrics when I started to have what I thought was a panic attack. I broke a Xanax in half and put it under my tongue (this did not escape my oldest's attention) I tried to engage in watching the boys 'oooo' and 'aaaw' over some stuff in the kids crafts section. We were there to get a birthday gift. After a few minutes, I knew it wasn't what I thought it was. I told the boys to hurry and grab a card while I stood in line. All the while, convincing myself that I WILL buy these items. We were out of dog food and Safeway was right next door. I WILL get the dog food, willing myself to keep moving. I vaguely remember going into the store. All I wanted was to go home. I felt sick to my stomach and thought my bowels were going to explode right there.
I got in the car, my tunnel vision becoming narrower by the minute. I followed the tail lights in front of me once on the highway. After a few miles, it was no use. I had no business driving a vehicle. I just wanted to so badly get home before it happened. I managed to pull into a service station. I remember seeing my oldest son pulling out his cell phone as I hopped out and beat feet for the bathroom. I got there just in time to relieve myself from both ends. I was so dizzy, I barely made it back to the car. I climbed into the passenger side,laid back the seat and continued my downward spiral.
"Dad is on his way."
2 o'clock on a Friday afternoon and my husband just happened to have gotten out of an awards ceremony, got to his car and had just turned on his phone. (Thank the Gods)
By the time my husband got to the service station, I could hardly move.
"I want to go home."
He left his car there, and we started for home. After a few miles, my head fell off the headrest and my son was holding it up.
"Screw this."
I heard my husband say as he turned the car around and headed for the ER at Naval Hospital.
By the time we got there, I could not move or talk...but I could hear just fine. I was completely cognitive and completely paralyzed. I wanted to answer the questions that the DRs were throwing left and right, but I couldn't get the words out.
My oldest son had remembered what happened at JoAnns and told the DRs about my taking the Xanax. He had also overheard me telling a friend on the phone that morning that I was trying something new for my headaches.
They started a bag of Benadryl as well as a saline bag. Within about 5 minutes, I was able to start wiggling my fingers and toes. I could moan, but not yet talk. After a few more minutes, everything else started to come back.
This was not the first time this had happened.
The brain is a tricky thing. It does things to you whether you want it to or not. Biologically it does what it wants without regard to your own psychology.
The very first time this happened, I actually went into v-fib. They had to stop and re-start my heart twice before a normal rhythm was restored. I had been using Primatene Mist for a flare-up of my asthma. Having been a nurse's aid AND an EMT, I should have known better. It was an accumulative effect of epinephrine that threw my heart all out-of-whack. My body shut everything down that wasn't vital to give my heart a chance to regulate. They told me it eventually would have gone back to normal, but it would have taken several hours to do so.
Another time, I was taken by ambulance. As I was loosing my ability to communicate, I was trying to tell the EMTs what to do. I was yelling at them to tell me I was breathing OK because I was starting to not feel it. I wanted them to tell me my O2 stats. I didn't want to be intubated!!! I had done that before...not pretty. Apparently, for awhile down the road, I was telling them how to take care of me. (whats the saying...Dr's make the worst patients, lol) They eventually Ativan-ed my ass to shut me up.
Sometimes, I drop like a fly with no warning at all. Other times, it is a slow shut-down process.
In the back of my mind, I wonder when it will happen again. Apparently I have a very "sensitive system." At least I know what it is now. I know that for the most part my body will wake up and I will be able to move and talk again. It's the part in between where I can hear and feel everything, but can't talk or move that is the scariest and most embarrassing.
Agoraphobia. It's amazing what it has done to me. Ironically enough, I have to leave the house to go see my therapist to talk about how I can't leave the house. Hmph.
Comments:
I am sorry you have to deal with all of this. ((hugs))
Wow. I had no idea that you were suffering with this. :( ((hugs))
I had no idea the symptoms were so physically debilitating. I thought it was strictly a difficulty with open spaces.
I always wondered about agoraphobics having to go out to get therapy. How do you handle that? I guess I thought that was one case where the doctor made house calls or you teleconferenced it.
Finally, I'm so thankful your oldest boy is so competent. He is a real lifesaver.
With your symptoms this severe, going out without adequate support is unsafe. You need someone to help you here, to do the driving and help you manage your panic attacks. You have to go through the process of exposing yourself to stressful stimuli in order to teach your body and brain to deal with it better, but you can't be in danger while you're doing that! I don't know if you have someone who can fill that role adequately, but that's what you really need at this point.
All I can say is that I have hugs and love for you, Jo. I hope it gets better soon.
(((Hugs)))
:-) You know I love you, all of you, right?
(((HUGS))) I wish I lived closer so I could help you out more and carpool you to the grocery store.
Oh wow Jo, I had no idea. I'm so sorry you're having to deal with this. Hugs....
Yesterday, I was suppose to have two appointments. I cancelled them both. AND, one of them WAS with my therapist. She has increased my meds.
I often times wait for Todd or the boys to get home to go shopping. If I'm with someone, I usually do OK. I do have moments of 'Fuck this shit' and just to spite myself, I'll go to the pet store or a book store. The last few times I did this, I made it home in one piece without having to take something. It was hard, but I did it.
Liz, I know I need exposure. Last weekend, a friend and I took a small road trip to go to rock shops. We even went to a small diner to eat lunch. This is where I'm like a cop and case the joint. Where are the closest exits? Where is the bathroom? Then, when possible, I sit in the corner so there is no one behind me. I hate that. I don't like it when people are behind me.
A few months ago, I had a big challenge and I went to see a friend who was in a rehabilitation center recovering from a motorcycle accident. She lives four hours away and I stayed in a hotel by myself. It was very scary and I had copious amounts of anxiety, I had to take my Xanax, but I wanted to see her so much...I took the leap...and survived.
I'm actually going to do it again in a couple weeks. She is home now, so I won't have to stay in a hotel.
Two steps forward and one step back.
Thanks for all the love and hugs. I just needed a diarrhea of the mouth moment.
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