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Estrangement and Olive Branches.
- Feb 5, 2010 at 11:27 AM
- By
- Comments (25) Total Views (551) Everyone can see this journal post.
It's taken me some time to get my feelings out here so forgive me as my thoughts jump around like a little bunny.
Many of you know the situation of estrangement with my mother's side of our family. Recently, my mother was approached by her brother and his family, with whom we have not associated in over twenty years.
I wrote a letter to my mother's sisters and her brother two years ago and got no response from any of them. Last year, Lily was in CCD and had my Aunt Diane as her teacher. We had virtually no contact even then...the whole school year. Now, they suddenly want back into mom's (our?) life.
I have to ask myself why. I just don't trust it.
When my girls were at church with John last week, my mother asked, or rather "mouthed" from the organ bench across the church if the girls could stay after mass with her.
John had to work and she was going to take them for the day, so after mass John just left them with her.
She had someone to introduce the girls to. Who was it? My cousin and her fiancé. Really.
Frankly, I'm a little pissed at my mother for doing this. I understand that she wants her family back. We don't even know what it was exactly that pissed them off so much that they would glare at her if they happened to see her in the supermarket. NOW they want to make amends? WHAT THE FUCK FOR??
I almost suspect that someone is dying and they need to repair the relationship, but I don't know.
There are so many thoughts going through my mind about this and how shady it seems. I'm not usually so distrustful of people, but come on, twenty years people? And not so much as a "fuck you, Erika it's none of your business" in response to my letter of closure? I had the closure I wanted. I got to be the one to say FUCK YOU, I'M DONE WAITING.
I don't want my daughters to fall into this shit. I was fine with them not knowing them, actually. After this long...how do you get it together...and why do they want to?
When Mom called to tell me that Uncle Jim greeted her after mass a few weeks ago, I know she wanted me to share her joy about this "momentous occasion". I couldn't. Their absence affected us all greatly. The hurt it has caused can't be repaired. I don't trust this.
It's not that I don't want her to be in touch with her siblings. I just wish that they hadn't been such assholes in the first place.
If she wants to expose herself to this and let them into her life, that's fine. However, my children and husband and I will have a say as to whether or not we do.
My gut says, "I want an explanation for the past before I accept any olive branches."
Comments:
You are correct in wanting an explanation, Riki, and I would be feeling much the same you are right now about it.
I hug you now. C'mere, you can be MY family, and I'll be yours.
I feel you have every right to demand and explanation for their absent in the past 20 years. And a reason for them wanting to just reappear as if nothing ever happened. I also think you have every right to feel the way you are too.
{{{{{{HUGS}}}}}}
I can understand not trusting them. I have been hurt by my family and wonder why I forgive so easily but I think now it's because it's easier to forgive -but we just never forget. I do keep my guard up.
I loves you.
The more I let out about this, the more I find people who have experienced something similar. Thank you for your support, friends.
I do think that you are owed an explanation. They didn't just shun your mother for some offense unknown to you, they shunned you too. I think that is utterly ludicrous behavior and I wouldn't trust them either. Maybe they need flower girls for your cousin's wedding.
OMG, Sam, that's totally what I was thinking. Actually, it was that my mother is the organist for the church and if Catherine is getting married there (which she is), they'll have to have some communication with Mom. If this is all about the music for the wedding...*grrr*
I think you are right to be distrustful and cautious of this whole situation, Erika. Can you sit down with your mom and express what is on your heart?
I wouldn't want my kids caught up in that either, some major 'splainin' needs to come from the estranged family members. I would want a direct response from them regarding your letter before I'd proceed at all. Maybe you could let them know that, or have your mom tell them that.
I hug you, and I'm sorry you have to deal with this nonsense.
By the way, I love you like the sister I never had, and I won't neber eber hurt you. *smooch*
My gut says, "I want an explanation for the past before I accept any olive branches."
I think this is very valid. You need some explanation and they need to know how hurt you were by all of this.
I ((hugs)) you now - and not in a pervy way at all. ;) I lurves you bunches babe and I am here for you if you need me.
Follow your gut. Something is amiss....more so than when the whole thing started. Not wanting your children involved is normal and super healthy for the kids.
Hugs and hugs and oh yeah, by the way, we can be family too. I've always thought the most precious family members were those we had a choice about including. (How's that for sucky grammar??)
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You have to follow your guy. You don't have to jump all in, tread carefully and quietly. But, I'd let your mother have her family... if they do end up causing a problem in the future, she'll still be able to take with her the memories that are forming now. If we guard our hearts completely, we miss out on so many little things. :-)
- HistoryMamaX3
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