Hitting A Brick Wall

[RosieCheeks64]

I haven't written about my friend's fight w/ cancer for a while. Believe me it has been a fight and he has been a valiant warrior. The struggle has been filled w/ highs and lows. We've had moments of exhilaration and times of deep despair. The weeks before Christmas were very difficult. Scott spent those weeks in a private room at the hospital. He was literally starving to death and had no immune system. The good news was that the chemo had killed all the cancer except for the tumor in his esophagus. The bad news was the chemo had just about killed him. He couldn't keep any food down and the tumor made it hard for him to swallow. He weighed around 110 lbs. The tumor  is big and needs treatment, but Scott needs to weigh at least 135 lbs to have more chemo. He can't have anymore radiation because he had all the radiation he could have 20 some odd years ago when he fought and beat the Hodgkins.

As I've said, those weeks before Christmas were rough. There was even discussion of hospice during that time and I left the hospital many nights crying the whole drive home. But then Scott would rally. He would not accept a death sentence and would force that protein shake down or whatever weird concoction they sat before him. He was willing to try anything. After several surgeries and finally getting a feeding tube in to bypass his stomach he got out of the hospital 2 days before Christmas. By New Year's Eve, he weighed 128 Lbs. I was elated! 7 more lbs and he could start chemo to get rid of that tumor. The other cancer was already gone. We were going to beat this!

Where we stand now and the brutal reality: The doctor said, "We have hit a brick wall." Scott now weighs around 110 lbs again. His stomach has stopped working. It has lost it's ability to squeeze and digest. The cancer has returned to his liver and it's active. The feeding tube has become dislodged. Scott is not strong enough to survive another surgery to place a distal J tube. Scott is not strong enough to survive chemo. He spent 4 days in the hospital this week trying to get IV nutrition but the side affects were too much for him. They asked him if he wanted to die in the hospital or die at home. He wants to die at home. The doctor released him from the hospital and sent him home.

He told me he will drink as many protein shakes as he can and live as long as he can but he knows that he needs to finish up some things. He promised me that he will live long enough to see KY win the NCAA. That will be April 1st, 2nd or 3rd.

 I don't know how to say goodbye. I wrote him a 3 page letter and left it w/ him last night. It was not emotional or gushy but it did say all the things that I wanted to make sure I said to him. Everything except goodbye. The song "Seasons in the Sun" keeps running through my head. I can't imagine my world w/out him somewhere out there in it.

[NicolesMommy]

Feb. 6, 2010 at 2:55 PM

Oh my goodness, my heart goes out to you!!! I wish I could say something to make you feel better, but I am at a loss. He has suffered sooo much; we can't even imagine how he has been feeling.  My thoughts and prayers are there for both of you through this awful and devastating time. HUGE hugs to you!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

[Lb128f]

Feb. 7, 2010 at 2:28 AM

I'm so sorry. Losing people we love is so difficult and seeing someone we love 'fade" before us...is painful. I'm glad you have been there for your friend...that you continue to be there for him. He needs you.

I'm also glad you wrote him a letter. Trying to say all the things we want (and need) to say before someone leaves is hard and things often get lost or forgotten in the process. Hopefully, not so with the letter and he can read it over as he wishes.

I'll be saying a prayer for Scott and for you.

If you haven't ever seen this...check it out. It can help during the process...(stages of dying).

http://cvc3.coastline.edu/modelcvc3courses/elliswaller/lesson13.htm

And...below is the accompanying poem, Gone From My Sight.

 

[Lb128f]

Feb. 7, 2010 at 2:29 AM

I am standing upon the seashore. A ship at my side spreads her white sails to the morning breeze and starts for the blue ocean. She is an object of beauty and strength. I stand and watch her until at length she hangs like a speck of white cloud just where the sea and sky come to mingle with each other.

Then someone at my side says: “There, she is gone!”

“Gone where?”

Gone from my sight. That is all. She is just as large in mast and hull and spar as she was when she left my side and she is just as able to bear the load of living freight to her destined port.

Her diminished size is in me, not in her. And just at the moment when someone at my side says: “There, she is gone!” There are other eyes watching her coming, and other voices ready to take up the glad shout: “Here she comes!”

And that is dying.

[HitMe]

Feb. 7, 2010 at 2:33 PM

This is such a sad sad story. Your in my thooughts and prayers. Stay with him he sure needs you!

[RosieCheeks64]

Feb. 7, 2010 at 6:29 PM

Thank you to everyone who has read this and for the kind words and poem. This is the saddest time of my life. I believe this is even harder than watching my grandparents die.

Scott is not ready to call hospice because he sees that as giving up and he still wants to fight. The doctors are not willing to help him fight at this point and want him to accept that the end is near. He knows that it is but I believe he will fight to stay alive until the very end.He wants so badly to stay alive and knows that he is dying. It's so hard. But I will be right behind him or right by his side. Where ever he needs or wants me to be, I will be there. He would do it for me.

(Original Poster)

[doodlebug814]

Feb. 7, 2010 at 10:43 PM

[CallieLynsMommy]

Feb. 12, 2010 at 4:47 PM

This made me cry. You are an amazing friend and Scott sounds like a truly extraordinary person. I'm undergoing chemotherapy for osteosarcoma now and having some trouble with my chemo. I'm no where as near as bad as your dear friend but, in a way, I can relate to his battle. He sounds as if he'll never stop fighting and in my eyes, that's a strong, true, bold way to go. I'm so glad you wrote him the note, I'm sure he appreciates it very much. You are both in my thoughts.