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The Never In Forever
- Feb 9, 2010 at 7:04 PM
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Peni POV
As soon as I apparated in my Master Bathroom, the glue that was holding me together came undone. Sob's racked my chest as the gravity of the situation came closing in on me. Closing the door so that no one could hear me, I propped myself against it replaying the image over and over again. Marcus holding Pansy's shoulders while she wrapped around him, that loving look of gratification on his face. My Marcus. My sweet man. It had been a lie. My whole Fairy Tale love affair - everything I built my life around since Marcus asked me to marry him - was all a lie.
Two marriages fell out from under me - to Blaise and to Neville. Still I stayed standing. Where as now, I found myself kneeling on the bathroom floor hyperventilating between sobs with a hundred questions churning in my mind. Part of me didn't want to, couldn't wrap around the reality of the situation. There was no way my Marcus would do this. He hated Pansy Parkinson. Losing his virginity to her at Hogwarts was one of his biggest regrets. I mean, Sara I would have understood, but Pansy?
The note, added to setting up sitting for the children, to simply bring me in to see him doing another girl was not something I would have ever thought my love could do. Not Marcus. But my eyes saw what my brain did not want to accept. The whole life we built was a lie. Now the jig was up.
What was I going to do? How was I going to do this? Marcus systematically dismantled all of the self protection I built to protect myself for the sake of my children after the ruin of my relationships with Neville and Blaise. One by one he pulled down all of my defenses - my solid belief that there was no happily ever after, that I would always be not enough or too much, always just to the left of perfect for someone. Those beliefs keep my chin up when Blaise left me. It's what made it so enough to slip into second place behind Sara in Marcus's life when we were dating. I was sufficient to just be his runner up. It kept my heart at safe away distance so that when it came time for him to leave, to return to Sara or whoever, I could let him go and still maintain my dignity. There was nothing dignified now.
My cheek laid against the cold marble of the bathroom, knees curling into my chest, as I clung to myself trying to hold together my life that was being rent apart. My tears began to create pools spilling my dreams, my happiness on the floor as I began asking myself why? Why would he do this? How? Marcus loved me into oblivion just to destroy me like this? It was too hard to believe. The Marcus I knew elevated me to believe new heights about myself and about what was possible in my life. When he laid out all he wanted to give me, I traded in what I knew from experience, to purchase the dream. This was my rude awakening. Dreams don't come true.
With what strength I had left, I reminded myself why I came home. My children. My eight children. The weight of everything felt like I'd been saddled with two hundred extra pounds. It took time to roll to my hands and knees. Using the counter for leverage, I pulled myself to standing, making myself take deep breaths before I looked at the wild, desperate shell of a woman staring back at me. It had been awhile since I saw her staring back at me with the hollowness behind her eyes. With her Ferrel will to survive, she came to the surface to protect the vulnerable self within that was wounded beyond repair. Allowing her to harden what was soft with love hurt like freezer burn. This was my third strike. I'd pushed all that I had into the last inning of the game. There was nothing left to play with. The games ended so badly, I had no more desire to play. I was throwing in the towel. How could it have gone so wrong?
Outside I hear all four of my infants wailing. It was nap time. This was why I'd come home. Breena, Johni, Elissa, Marki, Bliss, Jaki, Deni, and Nevi were my reasons to live. I was the only steady parents they were going to have as I failed to hold any of their Father's to stay in my life. I had to be enough of a Father and Mother for them that I could fill these gaping holes my deficiencies as a wife left. I had to be double what I was for the eight who depended on me.
The cool water I splashed on my face, refreshed be enough to stop the tears. After drying my face, I headed to the Nursery, resolved I was not going to let this beat me. I was going to pull the plug on that damaged lover inside of me to put her to rest so that I could still cover what I needed to be for my kids, my Pack, and my Community. Marcus might have wanted to hurt me - he succeeded. But he wouldn't stop me. I had enough strength in my will power and determination to overpower the loss of love. My responsibilities were greater than my need to be cared for.
Ellena, the Nanny, asked no questions as I came into the Nursery. I quietly thanked her for not pointing out that I'd been crying. I helped her change the Quads before we set them up on my bed where they were all propped in two row of pillows two deep beside me. Magically I charmed their bottles to stay up so I could rub tummies and sweet faces while I sang to them. It wasn't love songs like I had been singing. I went back to singing the old Native American Hymn I used to always sing to the boys when they were babies before this euphoric love warped my mind. I forced myself not to look past them to the empty space Marcus usually filled on their other side of our children. The idea of going back to be a single Mother again without a solid partner to help divy up the responsibilities of the children was intimidating to say the least. Intimidating and lonely. A tear escaped my eye at the thought of crawling back in bed alone after night time feedings. A tiny hand reached up touching my cheek. Glancing down, Johni had broken from his bottle and was giving me his amazing smile that made his blue eyes - that were the exact image of his Fathers- dance. A day without the light of Marcus's blue eyes dancing that way in front of me now seemed like a day dark and bare. Looking up, furiously I blinked back tears. I was not going to make my kids suffer watching me cry. It was not their fault. Damming up the tide of emotions trying to surge their way through, Mommy crying would not be the last thing my babies saw before nap time.
One by one, I picked up each of the Quad's to bring them and lay them down in their cribs. As soon as I came out, there was no time to to sink back into my pity party. Bliss toddled sleepily out of her bedroom with her blanket curled to her cheek reaching with outstretched arms. Silently, I apologized to my baby for what she was loosing. This was one of Marcus's favorite parts of the day when Bliss snuggled herself awake from her nap. Daddy Marcus wasn't here, it was just me. As I held my Blissful of love close to me, I began to fear the transition this would be for the children. Deni and Jaki had to lose Neville as Daddy. Deni and Bliss lost Baba Blaise for a year. Now they all were about to lose Daddy Marcus who they all loved completely. He wasn't cheating on them. He was cheating on me. Bliss hummed along to the song I sang as I started brainstorming ways I could ease them through this. Should I offer Marcus a room to stay so that he could be separate of me, but close to the kids? Would he even want that? Or would he just want a clean break from me? That brought my mind back around to wondering why. Why was he doing this? Just yesterday he was happy, or so I thought. The babies had been fussy lately. Jaki and Bliss were showing signs of being caught as middle children between their mischevious older twins brothers and Quad younger syblings. Marcus was the one who spoke calm to my worries about that. He loved the children. Was it me? Had I done something, said something, that put him off? If I did, why didn't he just tell me? Maybe he had, and I missed it? Was I too busy with life, with joking, wiith being me that I missed what he needed from me? I tried. Gawd did I try. I gave it all I had. Maybe that was the problem.
The running dialogue continued in my head as I took Bliss downstairs for a snack. Leaning on the counter, I twisted the top off of oreos giving one to Bliss and one to me. My mind turned more pragmatic wondering somehow if this was all a mistake. I'd cheated on Neville twice during our marriage. Given once we were spilt up and once I thought I had his permission, but the point was, I was forgiven. Should I forgive Marcus for this? Then nothing would really have to change. While part of my heart thought maybe that could save us, their was a whole other side that doubted the semantics as the lack of trust would pull me back just enough sp that the flow of love would be inhibited making us only a fragment of what Marcus and I were. Or what I thought we were. If he did this in the first place, wasn't he sending me a clear message?
"Ahhhhhh....," Jaki jumped out in front of Em yelling in his Ninja costume before running off pretending to kick and punch everything in his path. I fixed Bliss's tutu, already feeling the tears wanting to spill over. I'd held off my parents and G-maw from telling them what was happening. There was no way I'd get out of talking about it with Em now. "Go get Mamaw and show her you're dance, okay?" I tucked a flower in Blissmas's hair. "Show Papaw how pretty you are." With the biggest smile ever, Bliss ran off as I turned back to chop the Zucchini, taking deep breaths. It would have been Daddy she wanted to show off for. Damn him for breaking her heart as well as mine.
Em POV
Coming out of the house, I'd seen Marcus leaning against the tree with his head on his knee's, the frame of his body defeated. Without hesitating, I walked over, willing to offer whatever support I could for whatever had happened. In my heart, blood or not, Marcus would always be my brother.
"Hey..." I kneeled down in front of him, placing a hand on his knee, "What's going on?"
Slowly, his head raised, his eyes meeting mine and the despair I'd seen there tearing at my heart. His blue eyes floated behind unshed tears as he shook his head, his voice choking out, "Just check on Peni. Please Em, just check on Peni."
Not knowing what to say to calm the desperate look in his eyes, I'd stood, nodding to him as I turned to the house, heading to find Peni. Seeing her back turned towards me, her fingers moving quickly as her puffy pink eyes watched the blade of her knife, I asked softly, "Peni, what's going on, Marcus wouldn't even talk to me...."
She didn't pause in her slicing of the Zucchini, her voice harsh as she replied, "That's so nice of him to put off on me to tell you." she rolled her eyes and for a moment, her fingers moved faster before stopping all together, a tear slipping down her cheek as she took a deep breath, "I don't even know how to say it. You'd think if he had the audacity," her eyes flashed and she began waving the knife, her voice gathering strength as she continued, "to cheat on me he'd have the balls to face up to it and tell at least his family so I don't have to do everything." she turned her attention back to massacring the zucchini, "by myself."
There was no way I heard what I just heard, I told myself. Marcus is not the cheating type, he's not a bastard like my father, not evil like my Caleb turned out to be. Marcus was like my John, one of the worlds few really good guys. Leaning my hands against the counter, I asked her, "He did what now?"
Waving the knife again, her eyes snapped up to mine, "ohhh... not only does he do it, but he and Blaise staged it. Sending Sara and I I notes that their surprising us with a romantic dinner for us to walk in seeing both of them doing this skank ass hoe. Both of them..." as her eyes began to brim again, she turned back to the cutting board and I tried to wrap my mind around her words. It just wasn't possible, there was no conceivable way Marcus would do that, everything in me was yelling. I'd watched him every day of his life, I knew how hard he fought to be what he was, I couldn't stomach the fact that he would freely fall so far. It just wasn't possible. Peni's voice broke my thoughts, pulling me back to her, "You know i was okay after Neville left. After Blaise, I was alright. I was strong. I knew I could do it. now.. Marcus came along with all his forever.. and being so... wonderful... " as her voice broke, her body collapsed, leaning into the counter as her head dropped against her arm, her shoulders shaking with the force of the sobs she was trying to contain, her voice thick with emotion, "I don't know how to rebuild from here. This hurts so much I can barely breath."
Walking over, the image of Marcus' face outside flashed in front of my eyes as my arm wrapped around her waist, "It just doesn't sound like him." Like I would with my own daughter, I trailed my fingers through the hair of my daughter-in-law, trying to comfort her, "It doesn't make sense. I've known him his whole life Peni, it doesn't sound like him at all." playing her words over in my mind, reliving the betrayal she must be feeling, knowing myself what it was like to learn that everything about the man you loved was nothing but a lie, I quietly offered, "If you hand me the knife, I will go outside and skin him alive for you."
Peni POV
That was the thing I kept coming back to. This wasn't like him. I knew Marcus. All of the time we spent in Wolf form, I saw directly into his mind through the Pack consciousness. He was madly in love, devoted. What could have changed so much? If this wasn't like him, did I do something that pushed him to it? Putting the knife down I told her, "All he had to do was tell me. Tell me I wasn't enough. Or that I was too much. It's not him. It's not. He wouldn't unless he had a reason. Did I ask too much? Did I push things to far? Was it all the joking? Did I give him too much so there was no more chase or mystery? Or was it just me?" The sob caught in my chest with a pain so real it brought me to the floor as I tried to catch my breath.
Em followed me down to the floor soothing, "Shhh...Peni, you know how much he loves you. We all see it and awww over it every day. He says it all the time. I've never seen him happier. I don't understand, but if he did something that stupid, it's not on you."
It's not me. But the truth of all the statements before that one she said all contract that this wasn't somehow me. He was happy, in love, and a doting husband till today. None of it made sense. My head was hurting from the effort of trying to solve the unsolvable mystery. "I don't even know what it was now," I confided. "How could he deceive me so thoroughly? I have been around the block a couple of times. I really thought I would have seen this coming. It's not like I haven't been in his head. Last night we went for a run - no hint. Nothing but us." Us - magically, passionately, in love - us. I wiped my face trying to erase how that statement hurt. I tried to pull myself together. I didn't want my kids to come in to see me like this. "I'm not going to do this. I'm not going to fall apart. My eyes are open now. I have too many responsibilities for this." Standing up, I gave Em a hand to help her to her feet telling myself, "He can have whatever he wants." I would keep telling myself that until I believed it as fact.
Just then the twins came running in. Quickly I turned wiping my face, burying the emotion down as they went back and forth pushing each other saying, "You ask her. No you ask her." When I reached for the second Zucchini to chop, Deni spoke up asking, "Mom, can we have three eggs?"
Shoring myself up, I set the knife down trying to think out whatever skulduggery my mad scientist son's were up to. "Are you using them on any of your brother's or sisters?"
Deni answered, "No."
"Pets?"
"No."
"Anything electric?"
"No."
Turning to look at them, they gave me their most innocent smiles. Rather than stopper their experiments, I encouraged it. Their free spirits mixed with their creative genius made them extraordinary. But boundaries were always needed, "Outside you can," I told them adding, "Don't throw them at any house or anything that belongs to anyone. Or at anyone. Don't hide them in places you cannot find them. Or where someone else could find them and be surprised by the mess of stepping on an egg."
The look my boys shared told me I hadn't hit on whatever they had planned. After a , "Thanks, Mom," they ran outside. I suppressed the urge to yell after them, "But feel free to throw them at your Daddy Marcus." But that would be bringing them into this. That I would not do.
Em stood up adding the pasta to the boiling water asking me, "What are you gonna do Pen?"
Leaning against the counter, I gave her the only acceptable answer, "I just have to pick up and keep going. He's a wonderful Father. I want him to be happy. I just wish he would have...," Ugh. I stopped myself. I could beat myself up all day with could have, should have, would haves. That didn't change the fact of what was. "Nothing can be changed." It was what it was. Taking a deep breath I asked Em, "Where did you see him - the bastard - sorry, I know he's your Brother?"
"Bastard works," Em agreed. "He's outside. Under the window, sitting the foot of the tree. He looks like hell."
I wanted to scream at myself for that part of me that automatically wanted to react to his pain. All day I'd been asking myself questions, rolling over the facts, trying to speculate about how this happened when the person who could answer all of those questions stood right outside my window. The thought of talking to him, hearing him tell me to my face all that I feared, terrified me. When something terrified me, I preferred to face the fear head on. That meant marching outside to Marcus. Wiping my hands I told her, "I'm going to go deal with this. Sitting in here isn't solving anything." Holding onto her arm, I took several deep breaths before I wiped the tears that wanted to fall. I didn't want to show him my weakness. I was strong enough. Again, I would tell myself that as many times as I need to in order to make it fact. "Can you stay here for a second while I deal with this?"
Em nodded, "I got it. You do what you need to do and I'll be here when you get back." She took over chopping as I tried to give her the run down, "The Quads are in the nursery with Ellena. Jaki's upstairs. Bliss is with my parents and the twins are out back." I was so thankful for her coming to me with support. This couldn't be easy on her. It wasn't easy on me, either. But I had to conquer the fear. I assured her, "I promise I won't be this much of a mess when I come back." I planned to settled this once and for all. I was experienced at handling the break up marriages now. Knowing breaking up means the splitting of family, there was an extra ache in my heart knowing I could lose John and Em's friendship. I wanted her to know, I wouldn't take it personally. "He'll probably need you after this. I understand that."
"I'll be here," Em was resolute in her answer. I leaned against her, hugging her, thankful for.
For the sake of her family, and the kids, it was imparitive for me to end this amicably. There was no need for me to dump on him. My emotions were my own problem. If we could just severe, then maybe we could dance around the circle of the life we built together with an easy distance. At least he let me keep the choice to remove my ring myself, like I asked him before we married. He was giving me space without barging in here making demands. I cared for him, I loved him. The part of me that wanted to kill him, or hurt him till he felt as bad as I did, wasn't going to take precedence over my kids, the family, or friends we shared. If I could help it, they were not going to punished in the destruction of my marriage. My heart could bare the destruction of that alone. Opening the door, I set off to find Marcus to settle this ones and for all.
Comments:
Oh poor Peni! I can't imagine being in her shoes! That would be horrible, 8 kids and a complete bastard for a husband. He should be shot, or AK'd in the head or something. The pack could pull him into peices. That would work for me. And then Peni can barbeque them. And scatter the ashes in a pile of shit. That sounds fitting. I love you Peni!
I so hate Marcus for doing this to Peni! It's not like Blaise and Sara, who you could see were falling apart. This is Peni and Marcus, the perfect love. That he could be such a bastard absolutely floors me. It's no surprise it's ripped apart Peni's world, how could it do anything else? She has been thoroughly deceived. She is an incredibly strong woman to pick herself up and continue on for the sake of her children. I hope she goes outside and murders him and then follows Tina's instructions above! Wonderful job portraying what that moment must feel like
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Peni Clearwater written by Amorentia. Emily "Em" Roche written by shtteredprncess
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