Premenopause Sucks (Part 2)

[lisaann1213]

...I so totally hate this.

My genitals are on fire, I can't pee, still have no sex drive, and the last orgasam I had was in the shower the day before yesterday.  Can't masturbate & can't use sex toys because the rubbing (NO LUBRICATION + LOW OR MAYBE NO HORMONES) makes it burn, plus it takes too long.  I tried masturbating TWICE the other night and the first "non orgasam" was just a tiny spark, kind of like what I imaagine it would feel like if somebody gently tweaked your labia.  The second time, absolutely NOTHING, I tried for 45 minutes and because I was so dry it started to burn, so I just gave up.

 

Going to the gyno tomorrow, but it's not looking promising.  People have been suggesting around Cafemom that I should ask for low dose birth control pills (CAN'T DO HRT because my periods haven't stopped.) but because of my history and how anal my gyno is, she probably won't give them.  I am hoping at the very least for a suppository, which might relieve the burning, restore the moisture, and give me some feeling back.  The at least I might not feel so bad.  Getting something down there would be a consolation for basically doing what I consider to be giving in to the demands of my partner, because even though I might be able to "get off" esentially I'm going to be a dead lay lover.  I can't get turned on or horny at all, I do not want him touching me (Before touching would have been nice but now, I'll get nothing out of it, not even a tingle.).  I especially don't want him near my breasts, I have this weird feeling in them like they are somehow like a foreign body that doesn't belong and needs to be removed.  The feeling is even worse more torturous when I'm wearing a bra.  Occasionally I have to squeeze my breasts hard to the point of pain to make the the uneasiness fade, but it never goes away.

 

My emotions are pretty screwed up too.  I cry constantly and went off on a cab driver for leaving me standing in the cold for over an hour.

To make matters worse, Saturday is Valentines Day, my SO's & my anniversary.  I expect he will be expecting SEX, and sadly, there is nothing in the short term I can do to fix it.  Even if my gyno agrees to try the suppositories, rhey won't kick in right away and it does not restore my desire.  Wether or not she starts them right away is probably going to depend on my Pap Test, and I'm almost 99.99 percent sure i have a bacterial infection because of the lack of lubrication and hormones.  I just don't feel right down there today.  Barring that, even if I decided to give in and let him have what he needs, because I am incapable of feeling aroused and cannot orgasam normally, it will feel like a rape and I will cry and want to take a hot shower afterwards.

 

I've been looking stuff up to soften the blow, so he can learn to be more supportive, and sadly, alot of menopause support groups are geared towards women who have sex drives.  The long and the short of it is that they think because people like me are in the minority, that somehow we are doing it on purpose and somehow deserve to have our partners leave us or cheat on us since we can't get off or get aroused.  This one in NZ, even suggested that we need to accept just laying there dead as being normal to keep our men satisfied.  Do they not realize what it feels like to constantly know he's getting pleasure and we never do???  For me it would feel like rape, although according to at least one source,sex therapists will often suggest finding a middle ground to negate this.  I think I've found mine, although my man is not going to be happy.  My compromise is (A.  if and when he wants it, he has to do whatever he needs to get aroused ahead of time so he can get done as fast as possible, thus sparing me the emotional pain of feeling like I've been raped.  (B.  Whenever I say yes, he has to do something for me:  Watch my favorite movie or TV show, buy me something, eat what I want to, or take me somewhere I want to go.  I know it seeems cold, but what else can I do???  If I cut him off completely or always say no he will cheat, and until my periods do stop, there is no lasting way to restore my sex drive.

 

[NannyB.]

Feb. 11, 2010 at 10:45 AM

I think I read something yesterday that you wrote on this subject, and to which I briefly responded.  I am 63 years old, married 45 years, and while there have been changes in my body, none that have made me feel the way you seem to be feeling.  I make it a policy never to discuss my sex life with anyone since to me, it is the most sacred part of my marriage.  However, I will tell you this much.  The sexual response in women is first of all spiritual; secondly, it is emotional; and thirdly it is physical.  Any time these are out of order, the results are not going to be good.  In fact, they will be disastrous and your body will be the first to let you know.  So, my advice to you is to listen to what your body is so obviously telling you.