Nightmare, vision of birth gone wrong, positive implications?

[SillyJessi]

That cauterizing feeling of being violated, of being turned inside-out and having something stolen from you.  I wonder sometimes, how a woman feels if her child is abducted, or worse.  It's a dark place and it haunts my wonder.  Human spirit.  Resolve, strength, persistence of instinct and so on.

Alright.  I am pregnant, and had a dream last night.

I am planning Unassisted Home Birth #2 and have no qualms about it whatever.  I'm completely reliant on birth process blah blah blah, it's just a baby being born.

ANYways, last night I had a horrible dream in which, somehow, I ended up in a birthcenter environment.  (a clarifying point: I am an UNASSISTED birther by nature, I do NOT want ANYONE around me during the birth of my babies, something about theft and alteration of the biological/spiritual intelligence within me/baby directing the experience etc.).  SO, there is a woman of such a kind nature, but she is a threat to me.  She is directing my birth.  I see another birthing woman "in front" of me, with her "midwife" and her husband, she looks enraptured and happy, beautiful, and it looks good on her, the woman holding her on one side the man on the other, and she's just blissed out, having a baby in peace and serenity.

Then there's me, and I'm fighting, that grating feeling on the inside, and I feel extracted and violated, somehow trapped in this false clinical peaceful location, with this pseudo-soothing voice urging me to hold out my arm, roll over, belly up and ready my self for being separated from my baby. 

Then I feel the baby being born, this is where it gets wrong.  I FELT IT, the baby was TAKEN  OUT OF ME, it wasn't born, or expelled, it was EXTRACTED, it was the Ninth of August, and the baby weighed 6 pounds, (that's early and small for my babies).  It's a boy, and he's wisked away before I can hold him.

Somehow we're separated and then reunited two hours later, and he hasn't eaten, I try to put him on my stomach to let him find the breast, its as if the breast has no meaning to him, he won't eat, I try to encourage him, days pass in a matter of hours and I'm engorged and he still hasn't eaten, I begin to worry he simply won't and will die, I see them retrospectively removing my baby's placenta and umbilical cord and coiling it up, putting it into a disc-shaped medical case and putting it on ice like an organ transplant and taking it away in a wheeled cart.  Priority delivery.  Then I see that blissed-out woman in front of me, they made her baby's placenta an al-a-carte delicacy as well.  Matching placentas, just organs, nothing magical anymore.

 

Horrified, I felt like I lost my baby for days, we were strangers meeting, with the basic knowledge that we should be more.  he didn't know who I was, more importantly, what I had to offer him, and I felt like he might as well die (like I had no desire to mother him or help him, i had no connection, no instincts left).  I felt robbed, lied to, desecrated, and there my baby was, an alien wrapped in a blanket with no mother, no instinct to eat, and no clue for the purpose of his life.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

**************

 

SO, the moral of this story is, this pregnancy, just like the last, I am deep and secretly concerned about the violation of my baby's birth.  I am remembering the birth of my first, the midwife who let me down by failure to be there, she morphed into a man, a woman-hating baby-extracting money-making man, and I was robbed, of my baby, of his blood, of our rights, of my privacy, of all the contents of my uterus, of the  gold drops from my breast, of my money and my dignity.  best be lie ve, i am worried about a replay of this scenario. 

When I was pregnant with #2, i had similar dreams to this.  being strapped down, forcibly drugged, and raped of my child.  But I had an easy labor, and an unhindered, simple birth.  He breastfed half an hour after birth, and the placenta was expelled a little later, to be buried in the woods in what I call a Sacred Place, a year later...  it was a long process, healing from that first birth, and i am grateful i was able to actually birth "the right way" after birthing so wrong the first time.  and now, I'm going for birth #3, and suddenly the old animal instincts are resurfacing - to fight to protect my baby, his birth, me, and everything WE have shared for the last 9 months...

 

I know the birth will be as welcome and right as my second. 

I pray that you all have or have had the right birth for YOU AND YOUR BABY (as the blissed-out woman reminded me, not all births are the same, not all women have the same needs in birth).

I just ache and hurt, that reverberating pain of separation from my first born, and the fear of angels that it would happen again, I refuse that it will, i demand it will not.

[Raintree]

Feb. 15, 2010 at 9:09 PM

Odd, Jessi. I was just thinking about you the other day- wondering where you were, what was up, etc.

Could this dream mean something beyond the birthing experience?