i'm down, and keep on falling

[sleepymamaof3]

hello, you can consider this sorta an intro, or whatever, it's long and i needed to write. i am in such a down state right now. actually, it all seemed to kick back in 1 month after my 3rd lil boy was born (7/30/09). since this all has come back, i've never felt this down (or up, luckily the ups are not as bad as they used to be) since i was a teenager. i've been off meds and pretty happy for 7 years, and now it is all crashing down. since august i have been feeling down, and occasionally doing pretty well. well, so far since the new year i've been feeling worse. yesterday was horrible. on top of not feeling great (sore throat, cough - and i'm not the only one, my lil guy has a mild case of bronculitis and my 2nd guy - 21 months - has a bad cold) i was holding back so many tears, feeling so anxious, and when i get really depressed my head hurts so bad and i get such horrible chest pains. my dr said the chest pains are probably related to the depression and nothing else since i sound fine and they hit when i'm stressed and down. by last night it was getting worse. i tried to make baby back ribs, well the type i got was awful so after 3 hours i threw them out and made something else quickly. that just killed me, i tried so hard and they stunk. i know it wasn't my fault, it was just bbq sauce on em, it must have been the type i bought. oh well, first try. then the boys were so active and tired and acting up. (i'm realizing how tough it is now, they are 3.5 years, 21 months and almost 7 months old, all active lil boys) and i love my hubby to death, but, and he'll admit it, he's not much help at all. well, i finally got them all to bed, and every night we watch george lopez (his old show, not the new stand up comedy) and that is what i wait for every day, because it is the only time that i feel fine, nothing bothers me, i'm, relaxed. well, since i felt so down yesterday, i was really looking forward to it, and just wanted hubby to cuddle to me, i just needed to be held and feel safe. he was so tired he passed out the second he laid in bed. now, i was a little mad, but mostly that made me feel so much worse, but i couldn't wake him, he was tired. so i started snacking even though i wasn't hungry and crying between laughing at the show. then the baby didn't sleep well (since he's sick he wakes 2-3 times a night, while usually he sleep almost all night long) and he just wants to be held. he doesn't sleep well, then i don't. he wouldn't eat, i tried to lay him in his bed, and i swear, i opened the door to his room stepped inside and he started screaming. well, i can't let him just scream himself to sleep, all 3 boys share a room. right now, he's awake here with me and the other 2 boys are asleep. and honestly, i don't know how i am supposed to make it today. i feel worse and hubby had to go to work, he can't stay home though i really needed him to. the baby cries i cry. i want to crawl into bed and stay there. i have no strength, physically and emotionally. dh said i could bring the boys to his aunts, but the 2 little ones are sick and the oldest one is easy. i honestly plan on keeping all the tvs on cartoons, let them play and eat whatever they want today (at least till dh gets home). they never get free for all days, it's usually really strict around here. i have to call the bank over the house, i need to clean - wash the floor, the whole bathroom, straighten out normal day to day stuff, and then cook dinner. i can't. but i will. how i do i don't know. i am literally on the edge, i can't stop crying, i am sick to my stomach with this depression and the only thing that keeps me going is my family. so somehow, bc of them, i find the strength to do everything that i need to, bc they deserve everything to be great. even if i have to cry my eyes out while doing it, and work at getting it all done even if it makes me pass out with exhaustion. honestly, i don't know how to take care of myself, only them. the dr prescribed me lamictal, starting at 25mg a day for 1 week, then 50mg, then i go for another appt and up it from there as needed, but i've only been on it for i think 4 days. when i'm not depressed i'm angry. i snap and yell easily, and towards certain people (bil's gf - who lives in the appt behind mine) i have really awful thoughts about, get so angry and furious it actually makes me sick to my stomach. i hate living in this house, on this street, in this area. i hate my job (well, no i love my job - i'm laid off right now, thank god, but will return in april, and am so sick to stomach just thinking about that.) i have no friends, no one to talk to, i turn here, to cafe mom, to find someone who will listen, to pretend to care for a stranger, bc i have no one who will listen to me. i have absolutely no life, it is ridiculous. my life is sitting in the house with my kids. i would change that, get rid of that, but i want to add to it, to have at least 1 friend to talk to. to maybe go out with for just a few hours a week, but i don't. dh tells me to find a friend, ha, how? where am i supposed to go, what am i supposed to do? i have no idea how to. i want to just have us all run away, move somewhere completely new, and start fresh. that won't happen, but i want so bad for it to. i'll even settle to moving to guatemala, his home country. i don't speak spanish, and it would be worse there than here. but it's some where else, and i need some sort of change. sorry for the rant, it's long i know and if you made it through, then thanks.

[Fordmomma]

Feb. 16, 2010 at 9:51 AM

I'm sorry your feeling so sad and lost. I know its hard but try to find some time for yourself. Exercise is proven to help depression so maybe just a 10 minute walk at night will help. BIG HUGS I hope with summer coming soon it will help your mood honey.

[Dannille33]

Feb. 16, 2010 at 11:08 AM

I know exactly how you feel.. I cracked as I put it last aug. I can relate and have even tracked my journey on here and on another blogging site. If you ever want to talk I am here ... I'll be your friend. The best friends to have are the ones that understand. Winter is the worst time for those who have depression ... tis winter depression so that's a start. As far as the way you cry and how your hubby might just not get it or whatever... well I know my husband can't seem to grasp that I have anything going even. No matter how much I talk to him though he listens and never says anything back. It sounds like you need to see a therapist to and hit a support group. I can also relate to the not wanting to live where you live .. I live in the country where it is so beautiful no matter the season or the day. Yet I moved here 3 years ago and it changed me for the worst. I moved from a town that I lived in and knew for 30 yrs. I slowly declined in mental status after moving here and not to mention can't find a friend here to save my life. So know im here ..... and take some deep breathes though  i know it's hard to do... and try to get some me time ... though I have three kids and know how hard that is as well ... hang in there ok... and there are people that can lend an ear.. Huge hugs ....