I'm not perfect, get over it and move on!

[Chibi_Kitten]

 As my title says... I'm not perfect, get over it and move on! Rubbing all my faults in my face, hardly helpful. I know my faults, I've been reminded of them in one way or another every single day of my life, I don't dispute them.

Sometimes I really hate being me. I'm not perfect, I don't try to be. I know I have flaws, I accept that, I can admit to them even if I dislike them. I'm working on them, I'm trying to be better, fix some bad habits. Whatever. I give people credit for trying, for making an effort, I think it should be recognized and appreciated.

Effort doesn't count though, only perfection does.

It sucks when people you love are ashamed of you, even when they love you. It sucks and it hurts. It's even worse when you try to be better, make all kinds of effort, but it doesn't matter at all. Despite even your best effort and that they do love you, they're still ashamed of you.

I know that I'm a horrible driver, I probably shouldn't have my lisence. Too many people tell me on a regular basis for it not to be the truth. Still, when I accidently brush against something (like the stupid pole thingy in the driveway) and I profusely and sincerely apologize several times, why can't you simply say that you do not accept my apology and let it go at that? Why go on and on and on making a huge deal out of it? Especially when there's no damage done whatsoever, not even the tiniest of scratches. Or that car that cut me off and is slowing down, I DID see it and I WAS slowing down but I'm not going to slam on my breaks in the middle lane on a busy freeway because of it. Why go on and on about slowing down? About paying attention to the road and the cars around me? I saw it, I slowed down. No, I didn't slam on my breaks, I didn't feel that would be a wise decision in the middle lane on a busy freeway with two small children in the car.

I know I'm a horrible wife and housekeeper. I'm trying really hard to be better there too, I swear I am. Sometimes I just get too busy though or get distracted and forget. I don't see the point in washing the dishes multiple times a day when it's just the four of us and we have a dishwasher, so I wash them at night before bed. Sometimes I do forget. I'm trying to keep up with an active 2yo, a defiant 6yo, laundry, sweeping and mopping, keeping the bathrooms clean, picking up the toys at night before bed so we don't stumble over them in the morning, paying bills, keeping the house decent, homework and all that. I know that being a stay at home mom I have no "real" responsibilities but that doesn't mean I have time to get every single thing around the house and outside it done every single day. Sometimes I forget to do the dishes before I go to bed or to fold that pile of laundry instead of having it wait till morning. I'm not lazy because I won't pick up the kids' toys all day long, I just don't see the point in picking them up when they're just going to get them back out in an hour or so. Therefore, I pick them up at night after the kids have gone to bed, although my 6yo does pick up his own.

Is it really necessary to point out my faults every single day? Really?

All my life, I have tried so hard to be good enough. Honestly, just once, for like five minutes, why can't I be good enough? What is so wrong with me that I'm not good enough? Nevermind, I know the answer, my faults. Still, what would it hurt for me to be good enough just one time for like five minutes?

I'm so sick and tired of trying so hard and still having everyone be so deeply ashamed of me, still having everyone point out all my flaws, still not being good enough. I'm not perfect, I know that, I'm not asking to be. I just want to be good enough, just one time, just for a few minutes. To have someone be proud of me... maybe to be proud of my accomplishments or something.

I graduated high school with a 4.0 GPA, at 16yo, the youngest in my class with the highest GPA. I was a good student, mostly A's and B's. I finished a college course on Child Psychology with an A-B average, an eight month course in two months. I thought these were things that people would be proud of me for, I was proud of them... till I realized that they weren't important, they don't matter at all.

I know I was a mistake. After about twenty years of being reminded of that every single day, it was really hard to doubt it. When I was fourteen and revealed some ugly truths about the family, I understood why everyone was angry and accused me of tearing the family apart. I got it, I understood then and I understand now.

What I don't understand is what was... what is so wrong with me that I'm not good enough. I wasn't then, when I was just a child. I wasn't then, when I was a teenager. I'm not now, as an adult. It's really difficult to build up my self-esteem and be confident when I have such a hard time finding things about myself to be proud of, things that are important.

Every time I find something that I'm like "Wow, I did that" and I proudly show it off, it's no big deal. It gets brushed aside, not important, even told that it's ugly or wrong or whatever. Like when I did my senior project on child abuse and, thanks to my personal story, the police force created a new program to reach out to abused children... I thought that was amazing, I inspired that and I thought it was cool. Until I "bragged" about it, which is when I was promptly told that the police officers had been brain storming different ideas for years and it was about time that something got decided on. Gee, thanks, that made me feel great.

Or how about when a few of my friends thought that I had a great voice and entered me into a singing contest? I placed first in the local community talent contest and third in the other one, I got a couple of cute little ribbons and was so happy to show them off. Telling me I sound like a dying cow when I sing, well, that certainly encouraged me to sing more often. I sing my kids a lullaby on occassion, sometimes I'll murmur along with the radio but I really don't want to offend anyone else so I try not to sing in front of people.

Oh, let's not forget about the art show. The challenge was to take a picture from the selection and draw it, color it and frame it. Guess what? I placed fourth out of fifteen! How cool was that? Oh, right, my drawing of the flowers looked more like someone had torched the paper and I tried to color it with melted wax.

Fuck accomplishments. Let's get to the real good stuff. Like my parenting. I'm a horrible mother afterall, right? I'm too harsh with my kids, I make them do things they don't want to do and that's just mean. Like when I make my 6yo do his homework when he'd rather watch tv or firmly tell my 2yo to go back to bed because it's bedtime, I won't let my 6yo have sticky/chewy candy as a snack and instead make him eat three healthy snacks a day and then he can have one piece of candy, I don't let my 2yo play outside in the yard without some responsible adult out there with her even though the yards are fenced in.

So... let's recap, shall we? I'm a horrible driver, I'm a horrible wife, I'm a horrible housekeeper, I'm a horrible mother, horrible daughter, horrible sister... Hell, I'm just a horrible person. No wonder I'm not good enough, no wonder I never have been.

Come to think of it... maybe it's better that I don't get that one time, that few minutes of being good enough. It's better not to know what I'm missing, to simply fantasize about it instead, that way I won't be miserable with the memory of it.

[Gruntlings]

Feb. 17, 2010 at 7:41 AM

*HUG* If your husband is on the list of people that makes you feel this way, consider leaving. If it's your family, consider taking a hiatus from them. What you describe is abusive. The people around you are being abusive toward you.

[Dollyphin]

Feb. 17, 2010 at 10:38 AM

Hey hunni, YOU are a good person,   and a GREAT friend.  HUGS!

[sweetheart1985]

Feb. 17, 2010 at 10:46 AM

This is all ridiculous, and you KNOW it, Chibi!! These people who critcize you? JEALOUS!! This whole post screams that. People are jealous of your abilities and amazing qualities and want to drag you down!

You're one of the most amazing friends I've ever had. You've helped me through a couple REALLY hard times. I love you so much!

Don't let people with no good ideas, looks, or abilities do that to you. You're pure awesome. And I would know. I'm good at picking awesome people to be my friends.

You tell your mom and sister Sammee said to fuck off (I'm guessing they are they ones giving you all this bullshit).

((((((hugs)))))))

CALL me whenever you need to. It's only fair I get to be here for you like you are for me, lady! =D