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Catie's struggle, and how it impacts me.
- Feb 18, 2010 at 2:15 PM
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- Comments (8) Total Views (139) Everyone can see this journal post.
This is not a good news story yet. In fact, it has been the hardest 10 days of my life so far. I have tried to stay positive, but in fact I'm now at the point where I don't feel I have anything to feel positive about.
Last Tuesday night @ 10pm my water broke. By 4am I delivered Catie. Catie's Apgar score was 3 even 30min after birth. Within 36 hours, they had given her a blood transfusion of 1/2 her blood volume, and had her on 2 wide-panel antibiotics. Spent 3.5 days in the NICU stabilizing.
After testing, it was found my placenta had a wide-spread acute infection. Her blood now has an infection in it, which is tracked by a protien count called CRP. Her initial CRP screening was at 13. You need <1.0 to be discharged. Within 48 hours it dropped to 5.6.
We were told that after 7 days, they would test, and if <1.0 we could go home. We were at 1.6. So another 3 days (10), a retest and if <1.0 we could go home. Tomorrow is Day 3. The results were 1.2 yesterday, and 1.6 today. If tomorrow's CRP value is >1.0, she stays another 4 days (14) and then gets a retest; no interim tests in between.
I've been in the hospital since delivery. I have been staying as a "border mother" in the mother-baby unit since she was moved down here from the NICU. I've been alone most of the time, with the exception of when my husband visits. It's been hell.
I've tried to find the positives....we can get lactation/breastfeeding help. We can bond. We can watch the olympics. I can hold her w/o worrying about my 2YO. We can both heal.
He will be unable to visit next week. He has to go back to work. My 2YO is starting to get upset that I'm not home. He understands Mommy's in the hospital with Catie trying to get her better, but after a while that's a hollow statement. I've been coming home the last few nights to spend time with him, but just as he warms up, I have to go.
We are considering having me come and stay for the day with Catie, and go home at night to my own house to get some sleep and spend time with Andrew & hubby. But in doing so, I feel like I'm abandoning Catie. If I choose to remain with Catie through her entire ordeal, my husband & son won't ever see me, and I'll be 100% alone. I don't know if I can do that mentally. Another option is to ignore the medical instructions and begin driving, so I can get myself to & from the hospital as I please. Spend the night with Catie, and then go home every night for dinner & bedtime on my own volition.
I don't know what to do. I'm at a loss. No choice is easy.
I feel hopeless, helpless, and at the mercy of some damn blood protien. Seeing my baby with this huge IV board & IV in her arm angers me. Why MY baby? Why make HER suffer? When can she come home, and get that damn thing off her arm?
I'm stumped. The only rational answer to solve our problem is to get her home, but that's out of my hands. I'd pray more, but God isn't listening to me. He hasn't heard me yet, and I'm wondering if he is ignoring me.
I know life isn't fair. And life can be hard. But this is almost too much for me to bear. I don't know how people can help me. But I just want the whole mess to go away. I've been so sad, but I keep it all in so Catie's not affected.
Comments:
Okay I have read a few things about this. I am by no means an expert. First the ony thing that seems to be any different than what your doing now would be for the nursing mother to take antibiotics also.
Ask the hospital/ cliniciton/pediatrician/ gyn about this option. Also is there no possible way to have home health care at your house and you take care of your baby at home?
I can have a visiting nurse come. But then they have to add a PIC line into her heart, rather than the IV she currently has.
I feel like a horrible mother. No matter my choice, I'm a horrible mom to 1 of my kids.
I felt so torn as well. I felt that Adam needed me more than Nathan and that Nathan was used to me not being around. On the other hand, I felt that Adam needed the least amount of stimulation possible for him to mature and for a few days of his NICU stay I wasnt able to hold him except to feed him due to BILI lights. In the end, I ignored hospital reccommendations (I didnt have a c-section) and drove daily to be with my son for about 5 horus a day.
No one can tell you how to do it. A mother always feels guilt about any decision. NICUs are about ups and downs and steps forward and back. You are not being a horrible mother no matter what decision you make. You are doing what you need to do and your son will adjust either way...he is a well attached healthy young boy. Nathan didnt take too long to adjust to my being away and then home and then away...he bounced right back once a routine was developed when Adam came home.
I really wish I could help you...if there is something I CAN do from NE PA, let me know!
Natasha
horrible mom my arse!!!! Not possible. You are doing what you need to do for the family. You might feel like a horrible in about 10 years because Catie wants to join a dance squad that you feel dresses inappropriate. Doesn't matter--you are still doing what is right for the family.
just think of this way--Mr Sq and Andyman are getting LOTS of extra male bonding in. AND Mr Sq is learning the hard way about YOUR life!!!! See??? and THERE is the silver lining!!
LOL Sqeek. Don said he understood how hard it was to maintain the household...but it didnt last more than a week or so before I was cleaning up after him again.
I am also so sorry you are so alone in the hospital. I didnt have many visitors in my few weeks at the hospital and I really had to detatch from that to focus on what I needed to. That was where my 20 knitted dishcloths came from!
I am here if you need me. ...you have a great support system here in online land and many of use have been there and totally understand your pain. I just wish I could take the pain away.....hugs!
I'm praying for you and the baby too!
I know exactly how you feel Squirrell. I went through a similar issue with my youngest son when he was born. He was born 2 months early via C-section. When he was born he was blue and his lungs would not open so that he could breathe. The doctors immediately rushed him out of the OR and straight to NICU. They gave hm servantin (sp) to open his lungs and he was put on a ventilator. He was born at 10:20 am but I was unable to get any information on him until 7pm that evening. I was devastated. All I could think about was "Why" my son. "What did I do wrong to make him so sick?". Once they got him stabilized I was able to see him. When I entered the NICU my heart sank. There were sooo many very sick babies there and I just couldn't have prepared myself for what I saw when I got to see my son for the first time. He was so tiny yet he was fighting so hard. You couldn't even make out a baby due to all the tubes and breathing machines that were hooked up to him. I cried so hard and to this day have no answers as to why I could not have carried him linger than I did. He spent two weeks in the NICU before being transferred to the newborn nursery. I was faced with the hard choice of staying there with him or going home to care for my other children for the duration of his time in the hospital. After a lot of thought and constant reassurance from the hospital staff and the specialists that were working with my son I decided to go home for a few hours. I would get up in the mornings and get my older kids off to school and then off to the hospital I would go. I would stay there all day with him until it was time for the kids to come home. I would go home to them and get things ready for the next day. After dinner we would all go to the hospital to visit and give night sugars and hugs. He was able to come home 4 weeks after he was born. That was 12 years ago.
No one can make the decision for you. Know that with whatever decision you make your family knows that you love them. Catie knows that she has a mother who would spend every last breath trying to ensure that she has the best care she can have. You husband and son know that even though you are not there right now that you love them and it is because of their love for you that you can keep on hanging in there. I know in my heart you will find peace with whatever decision you make. Hang in there mama. You have many years of good times yet to be had. Take care of yourself so that you can be the best you can be for your entire family. Give Catie hugs and kisses from all her cafe mommies :o)
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It's going to be ok. I'll be praying for you.
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