Debating Adoption and a few other topics.. a vent of sorts??

[she29]

I have been thinking very seriously about adoption lately.  I want to do what is best. Best for me, best for the current circumstances, best to maybe get away from the abuse again, but mostly best for my other children.

Yesterday my son Robert was admitted into the psychiatric ward due to out of control behavior, violent tendencies, and so much more that no one seems to know nor understand at this point in time. Although the hope is that this could help?

I think the worst thing about this entire situation is how very responsible I feel for leaving him. Leaving him with my abusive ex husband, leaving him without a mom, leaving him to suffer as much as I did not want too. I know that hindsight really is 20/20 and if I could turn back the clock I would. I am so sad that at 6 years old Robbie remembers- he remembers how his dad beat me up, he remembers me running to try and survive, but most devastating is he remembers wanting to beat his dad up so he would leave mommy alone. I have a hard time with my mixed  feelings and emotions for my son, I guess some things you just have to work out in time. I know he is my son, but I honestly feel like he is a stranger to me. I have tried to work on our rocky relationship. But after 5 years of not knowing where he was, not knowing even what his favorite color was, how can this be repaired? I was a coward I admit it, I drove over to that house, I drove down there a 3 hour drive only to come back empty handed, without my son, because I was scared, too scared to get out of the van, too scared to protect my child. Such a coward.. I signed guardianship papers over to Robbie's paternal aunt and uncle. I believe in my heart they can give him what I can't at least not right now. Stability and security, a family who loves him. In a way I feel selfish for my choice, but on the other hand I feel relieved and hopeful. Robbie very obviously has more than just typical 6 year old problems. He almost got kicked out of kindergarten. The anguish of not knowing really what to do, or how to respond to his behavior after I brought him home with me 5 years later, proved to be too much, even for me, the seasoned foster kid with 20 years of abandonment, pain, and loss underneath my belt..

Losing Marshall I think was such a huge turning point in my life. I have never felt so lost or broken. But I know I am mommy first. Even if my children are not with me in the household at this point. They still count on me, they still wonder what is wrong with mommy, and they ask constantly when are they coming home? How-how can I answer that  when I don't know- I don't know if today will be a good day for mommy, or if today I will turn off my phone and ignore the entire world. If today I will wake up at 6am and take a shower and leave the house, or if I will feel so sad that I will remain in my pjs until 6pm.

If I can't offer the kids I have stability. How could I ever deal with a baby? I have heard such horror stories about adoption and some awful cases of abuse and even death. I am just so torn.  I have spoken to the latest jerk that is on/off again and who is this baby's father and was also father to Marshall and is Destinee's father as well. He makes everything so difficult grr. It seems like someone played such a cruel joke on me. After Marshall I never wanted to be pregnant or deal with anything again. And in honesty I don't want to be with Justin anymore either. I want this 4 year rollercoaster to come to a screaching halt so I can walk off unscathed. Oh don't I wish it were that simple.. I know I can do bad all by myself, I also know that having another child with Justin is not a good idea, it just gives him more power, and much more control. He is a good dad, but a horrible partner..

So adoption seems to be the smart choice.. I have contacted an adoption specialist. But I have put off calling them back for many weeks now. I don't know why. I guess maybe I want to see where this pregnancy goes, and how far I get, before making a choice that will change my life and the lives of the ones I love most. After Marshall I don't have much faith in medicine or trust in doctors. I am well aware of the fact that I have a mental defect. I get tired of hearing about it, I take my medication, sometimes it helps, sometimes it definitely doesn't. But I know when something is wrong with a pregnancy, and I knew that something was seriously wrong with Marshall. But no one listened to me, because of my mental illness, it was all in my head? Really... So tell me doctors if it truly is all in my head, why am I not holding and rocking my almost 6 month old son at this moment???

Instead all I have is a tiny urn in a box with all his clothes and toys that sits in a storage shed because it sucks to even look at it.. Tell me again how crazy I am..

[married2chris]

Feb. 23, 2010 at 8:09 PM

i personally have a mother that has many mental dissabilities she lacks the mother instinct...has split personality bipolar manic depressant....she beat me severly for years...i became her punching bag ..eventually after numeriouse reports to cps made by schools family and neighbors i was finnally handed over to my grandmother...so far none of her mental ill have been passed on to me or my children...................everythings ok in the end if its not ok its not the end 

[she29]

Feb. 23, 2010 at 8:18 PM

My biological mother is schizophrenic and bi-polar. I just suffer from severe major depression. And an inability to have healthy relationships apparently. I have the mother instinct but have been struggling lately..

(Original Poster)

[boogernoodle]

Feb. 23, 2010 at 8:52 PM

you sound like you are really trying to work it out .I admire your honesty and commitment to your children.My mom had major depression as well so I can empathize with your struggle.I am an adoptive mom and can assure you that if you do choose adoption there are lots and lots of adoptive parents who love their children more than anything.I think for some of us it makes us more committed to being a good parent because we were entrusted with a birthmother's precious child.I know that everyday I look at my daughter's beautiful face and thank the heavens for giving me the opportunity to parent this little person.Good luck to you and I am sending you a stranger support hug.

[she29]

Feb. 24, 2010 at 4:50 AM

Thanx:)

(Original Poster)