Praying...finally

[MamaRene0506]

Before my father's passing I didn't pray very often. Just everything was going good for my father up until the day we went back to the hospital. I then did start praying for him to heal and be able to be going home again and just be okay. But the longer he was in the hospital and the more my family fough with his wife the worse things became. I couldnt have been with my father like he asked me to but he understood but still I wish I just went out when he asked me to.

My fathers final week I spent with him, it felt like forever to get to him but I dropped what I was doing got a babysitter and we jumped in the car and drove for a day straight. barely stopped to fill up gas and let my nephews use the restroom. But all I could think of was if my brother would be able to say his final goodbye to dad. My brother is in the army and it always a struggle to get him home for emergencies. My sister and her boys were living with us in oregon for a few months but instead of her paying for greyhound to go back to az she decided to go with us. But she of course still owes me money lol. never will see it.

When we finally got to AZ, it was about 2 in the morning when we got to my dads and his wifes house. The next day we went to see dad, and it was the same but different. I spent as much time as I could with him. Holding his hands, kissing his forehead, talking to him about the boys, and telling him that I love him and wish he could stay. I talked to my brother when we was at an airport and he told me to tell dads wife to go ahead and not wait for him, my father was on a ventalator and the doctors said we can keep him on as long as we need until my brother got there or my father will do it himself.

So that was friday morning at 230. I saw my father at 7pm on that friday. He had skipped a heartbeat when i was there and his eyes were like poping out of his head like he was frightened. I talked to him telling him it was okay to let go. His wife wasnt going to end it so I told dad to do it himself. To stop fighting and go at rest. We all love him and he will never be forgotten. Sure enough, 1124pm that friday he passed. Even though I thought I was ready to let go of my dad, I wasn't. I cried to hard that I felt a huge part of me die with him.

I hold on to alot of things of my dad, I was the last one to hear his voice, I was the last one to see him alive and the last one to see his eyes opened...out of us kids. My sister and brother both didnt see dad. So it hurts that I am the last one to have all of this. I am/was daddys baby. Ever since dad passed 3 months ago, I have continuous dreams about him or of him. I drives me crazy because my dreams are messing with me and making me miss him more because i cannot pick the phone up and call him, i cannot hug him anymore, i cannot see him with his grandchildren and do everything he wanted to do.

Finally, I have started praying again, and God has given me strength that I didn't have when my father left this world. but I have to keep remembering that he is still in my heart and my soul. I am part of him and so are my children. I look at my fathers picture everyday and I tell him I love him and I miss him being here and where ever I go, to the beach, to the park, or go swimming. I always think of him being there right next to me. I feel like he is here with me helping me continue on strong for my children.