Working through Catie's Birth Story 2-10-2010

[Squirrell34]

It's taken me a few days to get this all fixed up in my head.  So bear with me.

I'm writing this for a few reasons.
1)  To remember it.
2)  For catharsis.  I need to get it out, and typing in a journal seems to work for me lately.
3)  Maybe some other Mom will see this, and find some insight from it.

I had my first son 2 years ago - Nov 2007. 
I ended up with a c-section; 30 hours of pitocin couldn't start contractions after my water had broken on my due date.  When I had my c-section, I was 2cm dilated.  I don't know whether the water breaking came from my doctor stripping my membranes, or just it was time.   And I didn't know if contractions would have started on their own, and got me dilated.  I also had complications; due to the intense pitocin, my uterus failed to contract.
I just about hemmoraged, which caused some severe weakness & dizziness to impact my recovery.

My post-partum was rough.  I had been convinced by my doctor, doula, and birth class instructors that I could deliver vaginally, and I felt like a failure because I could not.

I felt like a failure because my son was tongue-tied.  No one could help me with my latch issues.  By the time a doctor snipped his tongue, he didn't want to "relearn" a good suckle.  I went to LaLeche league meetings, had 3 lactation consultants visit the house.  I was stuck with sensitive, painful raw nipples.  Again -- I felt failure.  Why would something so natural be so painful?

I had a leave of absence from my job for 6 months.  I was terribly lonely, but felt obligated to be home 24/7 with my son.  I was in a real bad place; and gained back about 1/2 of my pregnancy weight.

I swore when we got pregnant again this June that things would be different.  I had gotten myself to a better place.  I felt more confident as a parent.  I knew that even if my 2nd child couldn't nurse, I successfully fed my 1st child breastmilk until he weaned to cow's millk (pumping).  I had a better support system in place via CM & Facebook.  I had a better job, and a more realistic manager, who also has young kids.

My morning sickness was managed better.  I still got tired, and sick, but was able to manage around it.  My boss allowed me to adjust my work schedule to work some from home, and come in later to sleep longer.Our ultrasound showed it was a healthy baby girl.  We got very excited about having a baby sister for our son.  We figured out ways to paint the new nursery, and transition my son from a crib to a toddler bed, so we could save on furniture.  My CM friends even through me a baby shower (thank you ladies; I love love you!)

I was eating very well.  I gained only 18 pounds.  My energy level was still very high.  Well, relatively high -- I was chasing a toddler and working full-time.  I was a candidate for a VBAC.   In the case my first pregnancy was a fluke, the doctors gave me the green light to deliver vaginally the 2nd time around, with some oversight on their part.  We all agreed that induction was not the way to go if we could help it.

Everything seemed to be falling into place...or so it seemed.

At Week 36 I started feeling contractions.  About every 2 hours or so.  They got stronger and more frequent. By the beginning of Week 38, I was having them about every hour, for about a minute.   These weren't Braxton-Hicks; they were almost like clockwork. Doctor checked me and I was 2cm.  I had actually progressed MORE cervically this time than last.  I was excited for the possibility of a vaginal delivery.

3 days later, things got wacky.  I started having contractions, closer together.  Every hour turned to 45 min, to 30, to 20, and soon to every 10. 
By the time we arranged babysitters, I got to the hospital and I was having contractions every 8 min.  While at the hospital, every 5.  Then they went back to every 10, then every 30 min. I was discharged, and told that if I can't sleep through them, to call.  Or if they are every 5 min for more than 6 hours.
Sunday, Monday, and Tuesday were the most uncomfortable days ever.  Contractions would start every morning, and by the end of the night they were 5-8 min apart.  But I could fall asleep.  So I would.  Then wake up and do it all over again. My parents were up at this point, and could see I was uncomfortable. I had a doctors app't that Monday, where we decided to schedule the C-section consult & U/S for Weds -- that was Week 39; the earliest the hospital will do a scheduled planned c-section.

Tuesday night contractions were PAINFUL.  I couldn't fall asleep through them.   I got up to call the doctor, and my water broke.  And broke like a freakin' ocean.

I was at the hospital within a half hour.  Immediately checked.  Only 3 cm.  Immediately asked for an epidural.  Heart rate monitored.  Her heartbeat was sky high (180) and wouldn't rise or fall with contractions.   Pretty much as soon as the epidural was in place, I was being wheeled into the OR for an emergency c-section.  I didn't know but the NICU team was on standby.

Catie was born at 4am on Wednesday 2/10/2010; at 39w 0days -- less than 5 hours after arrival.  Apgar score of 3, 30 min after delivery. While the NICU was working to get Catie to breathe, I was having issues of my own.  Apparently I had problems contracting (again).  This time I just needed additional sutures.  According to the surgeon, they tied me up "like a rump roast".  Lovely description, eh?

My husband waited with me.  There was no room in the NICU for him to watch Catie.  And he decided he needed to be seated in the case that his daughter or wife was dying.  I kicked him out when I woke up and found out she was in the NICU.  I made him check on her.  He came back with a photo.

That was it; no baby, just a photo.  No little girl to hold.  She was on a ventilator, getting a blood transfusion.  And I told the Mother-Baby nurse I had -- "I am letting you know.  It's 8am.  By this afternoon I will be OUT of this bed. And up in the NICU with my baby girl.  I need YOUR help to make that happen.  You tell me what I need to do to get my butt up there."

I was wheeled up there at 1:30.  And the NICU was a scary sight for me.  Kids with IV's coming out their head.  Poor Catie had 2 IV's; one in each arm.  And the candula for Oxygen assistance.  And she looks like a mutant giant compared to some of the other babies in there.
I got to experience the lack of communication between the NICU & the OB surgeons.  Some NICU residents were speculating WHY Catie got sick.  And in turn speculated in front of me.  So the real set of circumstances got all jarbled.  What DID happen, in hindsight & lots of lab work later -- my water broke, and severe acute infection set in quickly.  During or near delivery, there was supposed to be a rush of blood from me to her via the cord.  That didn't happen.

Or alternately, when the infection hit, blood delivery to Catie got reduced.  In any effect she had 1/2 the blood she was supposed to.  The infection was widespread, and took 10 days of 2 different wide-spectrum antibiotics to treat.

That's right.  she stayed in the hospital for 10 days fighting a blood infection caused by a ganky placenta.  And I stayed with her the whole time.  I just about went crazy myself.  And completely lost touch with my 2YO.  Thank God the bloodwork came back clean 2 Fridays ago.  As many of my CM friends know, (whom I called) I was pretty much a ball of tears for about 4 days prior to her release.

The first 4 days I was recovering.  The next 5 I was a "border"; essentially a child chaperone.  The first 2 were OK.  I told myself I'd use them to perfect nursing her.  And I did.  She & I are a nursing TEAM.  But when I heard we needed another 3 days of antibiotics, I just about cracked.  At this time I was living off of hospital-provided banana bread & tuna salad sandwiches.  I lost all contact with friends & family due to the H1N1 restrictions at my hospital.  I quickly became a nutcase.

I had made plans to leave the hospital on Day 10, and visit daily to see her, but leave her in the nurses care at night.  I was SOOO torn.  I felt like I was abandoning her.  But I needed to get home. My husband's paternity time off ran out.  My 2year old started crying for Mommy.  And if I spent 1 more night in that hospital, I'd be readmitted to the psych ward.  Luckily we never had to execute that plan.  But it tore me up to have to make those plans.  Made me feel like the worst Mother ever.

The Friday she left the hospital, February 19, 2010 was the best day of my life.  We started to get back to a new "normal".  My son is great with Catie.  She has no real "effects" of her NICU stay, except her heel prick scars are still there, and her cord still hasn't fallen off since they tried to IV there.  My son still gets freaked out if someone uses "my" car to pick him up and I'm not in it.  He freaks out & thinks Mommy is back in the hospital.  I hope that fades over time.

OB's say that there is no reason that I could not deliver a 3rd child safely, but we'll have to see if we want to deal with that.  I am not sure I want to deal with the whole "uncontracting uterus" problem.  Or risk another infection. Or be able to afford a 3rd child.

She's fine now.  But her birth was SOOO different.  We didn't get footprints.  We didn't get any of that.  We did eventually get a healthy marvelous newborn, but I feel like I had to fight like heck to get her home from the hospital.  I need to keep reminding myself that I DO have my Catie-bug, and that is the most important thing -- especially when I see all the birth stories of other Feb mommies.

As for right now, I'm focusing on my family, especially helping Catie adjust to being home and having a 2YO older brother, a farting dog, and 2 indisposed cats added to her life.  And being the best Mom I can be, and really REALLY knowing that I am a darn good one, regardless of how my family got here.  I refuse to be held captive by thoughts of anything being MY fault, or that somehow that delivery is a judgement on my parenting ability.  It's behind us, and we've got to move forward; positively.

That doesn't mean I won't have doubts, but hopefully I can come back to this journal (and maybe a few replies) and take heart that we've moved forward, and I'm moving to a better place.

Catie in the NICU:

Catie now w/Andyman:

[LoveMyDog]

Mar. 2, 2010 at 2:10 PM

((HUGS))

[manders018]

Mar. 2, 2010 at 7:18 PM

Squirrell... You are an amazing woman and an AMAZING mom... those kids are lucky to have you as you are lucky to have them. I just wish I could be half the mom you are!

[Lb128f]

Mar. 3, 2010 at 12:47 AM

She's adorable! I'm sorry you and Catie had so many problems. I'm glad you have her home now! Enjoy!!

[shawneewaiting]

Mar. 3, 2010 at 9:16 PM

It's good to hear that ou know you're a good mom! You wouldn't be so worried about it all if you weren't. A lot of women in your shoes would just be out for a pity party. I know I am a damn good mother and it's a good feeling, don't ever forget it.

[MamaSusieQ045]

Mar. 9, 2010 at 8:20 AM

you are such a strong woman! i'm glad she is finally home and healthy! her brother looks soooo cute holding her!