Self Image-Embracing my not so perfect self!

[jenniferleah]

In a challenge I am doing on another website (jillinmichaels.com) this weeks challenge was to address body image. Now as most of my CM friends know, I have lost a TON of weight in the last 16 months (87lbs to date) and I have embraced a much healthier life. And I got to thinking as I wrote this, how many Mom's don't embrace their bodies??

How do you feel about your self image? And what changes can you make MENTALLY to embrace who you are??

Well here is my story:

When I was in my 20's I was very lean and slim (anywhere from 100-115lbs) and did so with a very healthy diet of cigarettes, diet coke and coffee. I ate ever other day I think...I worked in fashion at the time and I would work, work,work all day and dance/party most nights! That's life in the City! I worked hard and played hard and did not really take care of myself. I was a little TOO thin at times...fast forward to 1999 when I was just so burned out and not happy with life. I decided to take a 2 week vacation surfing in Mexico. I stayed at a very rustic camp with no electricity, running water (we had a solar heated gravity shower!). Now my idea of "roughing it" back then was staying at a hotel with no room service. BUT this simplicity brought me back to the person I really was INSIDE and I started to shed the materialistic, shallow self that I had become. My two week vacation turned into a sabbatical that lasted all summer. I took time to get to know ME and what I really wanted out of life. There was a pod of black dolphins that used to swim around us at dusk when we would be out on our boards fishing...I had always loved marine biology and I made the decision to return to college and get my BS. I moved back to Maine and lived with my parents for a while so I could save money on rent. I also started eating again...my mom's cooking is awesome! And I stopped walking everywhere since I now had a car again (didn't have one in Boston!). I started dating my husband, then I got lazy...and I got FAT! Moving back to Maine was tough because I had been gone so long I had lost touch with old friends. The ones that were here were married with kids...I have nothing in common with them anyway. So I ate some more.  I also abandoned my dream of being a marine mammologist and started to focus on human biology due to job demand. Not a lot of marine mammoligists in Maine LOL!! Now here is it 2003-2004, I am the heaviest ever (about 250lbs); I am miserable and I am in a dead end job. I went for being the "hot chick" to the "fat chick". SO I made a lot of jokes about myself and put myself down. I then started to hate my life, my body and myself. HOW had I done this to myself???

Then I had enough. I was done. I did not want to be the fat chick. I wanted to be the fit chick I saw running outside. I wanted to be the chick with the toned arms. I wanted to be active. I wanted to be healthy. It wasn't so much about body image but LIFE image. I wanted that active lifestyle. and I wanted a family. TIME TO CHANGE.

So I talked with one of the doctors I was good friends with at work and we came up with a plan to get me off the cigarettes and exercising. I quit cold turkey and that was my first day in the gym...I took control of my life.

Now, I look at myself in the mirror and I don't hate anything about myself. I love it because I changed it. My legs are strong and lean. My butt-covered in stretch marks from my fat days...and well, I won't be on the cover of Sports Illustrated this year but it's looking pretty good and my husband says it's his favorite part of me :) My stomach survived a BIG pregnancy (42 weeks and a 9+lb baby) and while I do have an uneven c-section scar and loose skin on my lower belly-the rest of it is all flat now. And I can see a little "4-pack" starting to show. If I can lean out more...will I actually have washboard abs for summer?? WOW, that is a huge victory for me. My boobs. Oh boy. Flat chested while thin....I get fat and so do the girls (from a 32B to a 40DD) and now they are gone. DEFLATED. Plus I breast fed. Let's just say they are not pretty anymore!! LOL The only way these puppies are ever going to look good again is with plastic surgery. AND I AM OK with that! They are only boobs and they have done their job. They nourished my daughter!! If I ever have the money maybe I will get a lift but it is not really high on my priority list. I can think of much more contructive ways to spend that money...like more gym gadgets!! I have a little bit of loose skin under my neck from losing...but I think I am really the only one that notices. I notice when I do jumping exercises in the gym it wiggles and stuff. But heck-just a reminder of how far I have come. I notice that my face is looking a little drawn at times and my laugh lines are more pronounced-again a reminder. It's part of me.

I can sit and pick apart every single thing about my body that is not my idea of perfect. But I don't. I have to embrace who I am NOW and I am pretty dang happy with that. I love the way my arms look now-so toned! I get a little giddy whenever someone compliments my arms-I have worked dang hard to build those shoulders, bi's and tri's! The girl who would hide her fat flabby arms is walking around in tank tops in winter...that is so dang funny to me!! I love what I have been able to accomplish. I love it that I have callouses on my hands from lifting. I love my black toenails from running. I love the blisters on my toes. I love the soreness and fatigue from pushing myself. I love it that I can push myself now when I would barely push myself off the couch.

WHat's not to love about a healthy, strong body??? even if it is not perfect???

We have to look beyond the superficial crap and realize how lucky we are to be strong, healthy women. CELEBRATE it because each one of you is beautiful!! Inside and out.

 

 

 

[thumpydumps]

Mar. 3, 2010 at 10:49 AM

Jennifer, this is a BEAUTIFUL journal entry!  So uplifting & inspiring :)  And YOU are beautiful :) :)

[pinkpanthera]

Mar. 3, 2010 at 11:26 AM

sniff!!! MY OH MY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

WHAT AN AMAZING THING TO SHARE. I am so touched.you are beautiful inside and out!!! Thanks for sharing your victory with us..I am SO blessed and honoted to share and witness your transformation and learn so much from you!!!

ah...SO JEALOUS of the 4pack!!! :D

Love you.

- pink.

[LovesFredric]

Mar. 3, 2010 at 12:52 PM

Girl you are SO amazing - there are tears in my eyes! 

[muensters_ma]

Mar. 3, 2010 at 1:07 PM

Great story Jenn :) Your such an inspiration for so many people! Me included :)

[jenni_michelle]

Mar. 4, 2010 at 2:43 PM

I just stumbled upon this journal and just had to say thank you! I am overweight right now and going through some of the things you went through. I just had to let you know your story was inspiring to me!

[mtnmama111]

Mar. 4, 2010 at 2:52 PM

[SwePea]

Mar. 4, 2010 at 7:14 PM

WOW! That is wonderful! I love your story! I too went up to the 200s. I went from 145 to 245 in a short time frame. I'm smaller than 145 now and still going! I am so glad I found you and the group! I'm so inspired to go out of my comfort zone and work hard for MY own body and myself! Thank you!

[taylor-made]

Mar. 7, 2010 at 12:17 AM

Fantastic journal entry!! It's amazing to look at how far we've come!! And you've come crazy--far, be proud!!!!

[CaitsMom408]

Mar. 20, 2010 at 10:31 PM

I'm a little late in reading this... but what a great entry!  I need to have an outlook like this!

[JJs-mommy]

May. 8, 2010 at 3:12 AM

I love it!!!!!! Thank you so much for this Jen! I really needed it! I find myself  a little down at times because my once 36 c's are now deflated as well! I have to remind myself that I did nurse two kids and my hubby still loves me! So I will focus and try REALLY hard to keep a smile on my face for all of the progress I have made and will continue to make. YOA ARE AN AMAZING WOMAN JEN!!!!! and I CAN'T WAIT TO MEET YOU IN PERSON ONE DAY! I'm serious!!!!! : )