Hopefully, we will find out the sex of our baby. I'm kind of scared. This whole pregnancy has been kind of scary to begin with because it was a surprise. DH tells me we used the meant to be method when I just kind of think that we just probably weren't as careful as we had been for the almost four years before that. So, not only was it a bit of a surprise, we have had the added stress of being in South Korea which has been very difficult for me. DH is an ESL teacher. He's sort of at the mercy of whatever school he happens to be working for. It hasn't been an easy year plus for us. DH started working in November of 2009 and that job ended rather abruptly so he had to take on another job and that was when we joined him, about a year ago. That one also ended well before the contract which meant having to move. Housing is provided with the job so when the job ends, so does the housing and when DH finds a new job, we have to get new housing too. Housing here is small. We are living in a three ROOM apartment. That's not three bedrooms, that's three rooms. There's a kitchen (which is probably considered both the kitchen and the livingroom). It has a TINY counter and a fridge that just a little larger than your large dorm fridge (due to the add freezer). DD loves it because it's easy for her to get into. There's a table in there with chairs. We have a small porch area that you hang clothes up in to dry since only a washer is provided. We have a SMALL bedroom that has enough room for a queen sized bed and a mat and then there's the small dresser/tv stand deal we have in there too. The bathroom is so small that there isn't even a regular shower in there. The BATHROOM is the shower. There's a shower head attached to the sink and it hangs on the wall and everytime you take a shower, everything gets wet. There's a drain in the floor for the water to go down. At least there's a standard toilet and not one of those in-the-floor ones.
I can't imagine trying to fit four of us here. I can't imagine trying to nurse a baby with the option of only a bed or a kitchen chair to sit on. I definitely can't imagine giving birth here. I'm obese which wasn't a problem with my last pregnancy because I had a very laid back OB who wasn't overly concerned about my weight and I didn't have any complications that gave her any reason to be concerned. However, I did end up with a cesarean so I'm trying to have a VBAC and unfortunately, there's a bit of a weight bias here which means that not only am I not being given a decent chance for a VBAC, I'm also not entirely sure I'll be allowed to be awake for the surgery. That scares me. Add to that the language barrier and some of the differences between hospitals here and at home (like not all of them allowing rooming, they keep the baby in the nursury and page you when it's time for the baby to eat and they often get formula) and it really makes me nervous to think of maybe having to spend five days in a hospital recovering from major surgery again. I worry about the OB's experience with doing a cesarean on an obese woman when the OB has never had an obese patient. What complications can result from that?
We go in tomorrow for the level 2 ultrasound and I'm hoping that the baby cooperates and we find out the sex. We actually changed OBs because the one I was seeing was not going to tell us before 36 weeks. The one we switched to is willing to tell us. I'm worried it will be a boy. DH believes in circumcising. He fully believes in the Old Testament scriptures where God commands that infants be circumcised on the 8th day. No, he's not Jewish but he follows many of the Old Testament laws that many mainstream Christians do not. He fully believes in following what God commands and nothing is going to change his mind as far as that goes. I'm kind of on the fence. I can see both sides and why either would choose to circumcise or not circumcise. However, I'm bombarded day by day by things online on how it shouldn't be done, how it is mutilation, how one state is even trying to ban it. It just seems that as far as parenting choices go, circumcising is the worst thing you can do. I don't know if circumcising is the best choice if we have a boy and I don't know if not circumcising is the best choice. I don't feel I can really say when I have no experience with having a penis myself. I just can't help but hope that the baby I'm carrying is a girl and not a boy so that I don't have to worry about it at all because I'm kind of tired of the debate. Not to mention, it's not really easy to get infant circumcision done in South Korea. Boys here get it done at 10 so there aren't many doctors here who are experienced with infant circumcision. That's kind of scary to think about too.
We are pretty much planning for me to return to the US and there's a lot of factors that has gone into that decision but it's not an easy choice to make. There are concerns I have about staying here including whether or not we can actually afford to raise a child here when I can't even work (I don't have the degree to get the visa I would need in order to work here) and things here are two to three times what they cost in the US. To find a larger place to live, we would have to put THOUSANDS of dollars down and STILL have rent to pay, there's no way to find a place for rent that only requires first and last month's rent, many places are $4000 or more and still require hundreds for rent. Going back to the US wouldn't be easy either. DH still has his contract to finish and it ends five days after my due date. He wants to finish the contract so that he can get another month's pay which would help us a lot but it very well may mean he won't be home in time for the birth. I would have to find a place to live, a car, furniture, and stuff for the baby. At least a lot of that can be found on freecycle and at rummage sales but it's still not going to be easy getting it all figured out. I have a lot of fears and worries this pregnancy and I really wish that the answers were all easy to figure out but they're not.
I'm more than halfway through this pregnancy and no closer to figuring things out. I'm uncertain about the future and not sure what's going to happen. It's really scary sometimes.