Even though I haven't officially filed for a divorce yet I hate it more and more all the time. My husband and I have been split up for a little over 2 months now. We finally talked on the phone tonight without screaming or hanging up. I found myself for the first time really feeling bad about it. Not that I didn't feel bad before but this time he was actually sober and sounded like he's finally starting to understand things.
I do feel bad for breaking his heart and tearing his life apart and I do realize that the things that have happened these past 2 months between us were because of the anger. I need to keep remembering though that I didn't leave him for no reason. Just because I'm the one who left doesn't mean it was my fault. I hope we can continue on this path though and learn to be friends. Of course it's hard for all of us.
I'm dating and living with a man so I feel like it's a tug of war. Sometimes I just need to talk to my husband to figure out things like custody and just to figure all things out. As bad as things had gotten between us I know that he is going to be my friend through everything. If I ever do just need to talk about something I can't talk to anyone else about I can call him and talk to him but of course that makes my boyfriend angry. He's never been through this so it's hard for him to understand. Hell it's hard for me to understand even. I know it's hard on both of them but neither seems to realize it's hard on me too. I'm trying but I can only do so much and I'm confused of course.
I'm happy with where I'm at in life but I feel horrible for what I've done to everyone else. I spent so long putting everyone elses happiness first and I'm just doing the best I can not to let that happen again but I feel like I'm letting other peoples emotions control every move I make in life. I work too hard to keep everyone else happy. I waste years and years keeping everyone happy before I finally realize I can't do it anymore. I don't know why I can't just do what I think is right as soon as I realize it.
I think my husband is right though. I really don't know myself. I got married at 16 and had my son at 17. I grew up too quick without finding myself first and now I'm stuck with all kinds of extra stuff while trying to find out who I am
. I hate the fact that as much as I'm going to miss my son sometimes I need to learn to share him with his father. The thought of being without him kills me but I need to do what is going to be the best for him in the long run. Thats one of the things that kept me around so long. I couldn't image sharing him so I just stuck around so I wouldn't have to worry about it. I realized though that I wasn't being the best mother I could be because I wasn't happy at all. The more time that goes by the harder it is to see what was so horrible that I was so unhappy
. I feel like I'm on a rollercoaster that I just can't get off of. I've never been a fan of rollercoasters and now I know why. I was always scared that I would fall off the rollercoaster though and now I'm wishing that it could only be that easy. I wish that there was a way I could just let out all of my emotions, my wishes,hopes and fears. I wish there was someone who understood and I wish I could just take a break from all of the not understanding.
It's hard enough and right now all I could use is support but I need to keep a happy face and support everyone else. Now here I sit.. My boyfriend is mad because I like to write to let everything out and he wants me to tell him all of it. Sometimes I need to have my own thoughts and let them out where I chose. If thats writing then I wish he could just respect that and let me do it. Nope.. He gets mad and asks me to tell him and when I say no he turns on some song and turns it up loud. Writing is where I turn to when I'm overloaded with things I don't want to say outloud. He's mad that I talked to my husband for an hour. Thats something that I need to do from time to time. We've been through a lot and sometimes it's just nice to talk to someone who knows every little detail about you.
Am I wrong? I just can't seem to understand it all.