my story

[luna08]

i was born into a poor family, i had one older sister. my father was a drunk and chain smoker, or atleast thats the stories i herd from my mom. when i was two months old my mom ran away with my sister (5) and me. we lived on the streets for the first two years of my life. but according to all my hospital records we pent more time their then on the actual streets. i was always sick, and had failuer to thrive. we finally got our first of many apartments when i was two. it was all paid for by the government. we still had no electric, water, or food. dinner what ever we could find in the trash. birthdays dident really exsits. when i was five my mom gave my sister away. my sister was ten. i had no friends no family, my mom was all i knew. a social worker from pre-k steped in and monitored things. she brought food, toys, clothes, she brought love. after a year my mom began going on rants about how she put cameras in the dolls and was trying to take me away. my mom has manic deppresion and sqitzaphrenia. so we moved again. throught out the years we moved every year. i changed schools every year. till i turned 12 when i droped out completely. i started working as a janitor when i was 11 to pay the bills. i made $3.75 an hour and worked 11 hrs a day 7 days a week. i left at 4am came home at 6pm, made dinner, cleaned, budgted our money. i did everything to make my mom happy, or at least i tried but nothing was good enough. i still felt hated. i felt resentment twords the sister i never knew. why did she get to go away, why was i left to this life. my mom never beat me, but she did abuse me in another way. she yelled, she ignored, she made me feel like i was alone. and i was. i had no one. when i was 16 i couldent take it anymore. i had to get away from her. i dident want to die. i knew there was happiness out there. at 15 i had gotten back in school. but i decided to pretend to want to kill myself. i wrote a fake note and left it in plain sight, i cut myself over and over just deep enough for my mom to take me to the hospital. and that was all i needed, they sent me to a mental hospital. it was great. as long as i said i was going to kill myself they kept me. i ended up at state and satyed their for 3 months, but after that they said there was nothing more they could do and sent me home. i came home to a place i dident know. my mom had moved us again. she threw away everything. but she actually acted like a mom for two weeks then things went back to the same old way. i droped out for good at 16. havent been back since. at 17 i got pregnant with my first baby. at 18 me and my then bf(now dh) moved out and got our own place, three months later our dd was born. at 19 i got pregnant again and we now have a 4 month old ds as well. but after i moved out my mom did to, she dident tell me.i called my sister who i reuinted with at 16 and met for the first ime since i was 5 at 17. she told me mom dident want to see me, she dident want anyhting to do with me. im now 20 and havent seen her since. i worry about her even trough all the hate i feel she has for me. i still cry. i still feel alone. i feel broken. but i keep going. the way i was raised, treated, and abused make me stride for better with my children. i dont want them to ever go hungry, i never want them to feel the way i did, everytihing i never had they will. 

[JEHOVAHSOWNJES]

Mar. 13, 2010 at 1:55 AM

hi i hope you dont take this the wrong way but i also have bipolar the condition you mentioned your mom is not a bad person i pray i have the right words to say not everyone has to depend on medicine but sometimes it does help i am NOT saying she needs medicine but just try to let go of the anger or whatever you feel sometimes parents just do what they were raised i know you wont do that but just let love and forgiveness rule your heart and congrats for being a mom and now you can rewrite yall;s lives please if you want to let her be a grandmother she will change and be the better for it but thats your decision only you can make that thanks

[luna08]

Mar. 13, 2010 at 8:36 AM

1. she was also sqitzophrenic and was overly paranoid. she dident raise me at all, i know some ppl can still be good mothers but mine wasent

and even if i wanted her to be in my kids lives she dosent want to see/speak/hear from me

(Original Poster)

[boogernoodle]

Mar. 13, 2010 at 12:49 PM

I think you sound like an amazing woman!

[Lb128f]

Mar. 14, 2010 at 12:42 AM

I'm glad you got out. I'm sorry about how your life was until you did get out. And, I'm sorry that now...even though YOU are willing to forgive your Mom because you understand her illness...that she isn't willing to have a relationship, that's sad. But, at this point in your life it may be what needs to happen because it sounds like you are trying to do all the things you know you should to have a good life.

It's great that you were able to reunite with your Sis...I hope that relationship is good. And, I hope one day you might be able to locate your Dad...maybe HE isn't what your Mom said...but, was just a victim of your Mom's illness (like you've been).

Either way...I hope you will seek some counseling...it's free through the state (just call your local Public Health Dept. and ask about Mental Health Counseling)...you do NOT have to feel alone now...you can work through all that's happened with a counselor doing talk therapy...it does help. And...you are right...YOUR children deserve better...I know you will give them that! Good Luck!!